Monday, April 24, 2006

Live from MA

The mini-tour was great!
Our shows were great!
Seeing the cow road kill, not so great.
Sou, Bill and Liberty were excellent hosts and kept us fed watered and full of great conversation.
Tony was so great and made me feel so loved...I love him! We met and talked with so many extremely nice people. I love meeting new people in new places. I have been to MA before but never to Worcester. So I am not even sure if I spelled it correctly and yes I could check but considering I arrived this morning around 6:30 and am now sitting at my desk....I DON'T THINK SO.
I drove for about 5 or 6 hours straight, sorry,
into Atlanta,
hopped out of the car at home,
my intention was to jump in the shower then into my car and go to work.
What actually happened was
I ran into the house pulled out the clothes
I would wear when I got out of the shower.
Turned the light on in the bathroom,
sat on my bed
turned on the TV,
you know for background noise,
and apparently fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure I was asleep
because I woke when
I thought something was crawling on me....
Actually something was leaking from me.
Drool feels like a bug
when it's running down your arm
and you didn't know you were sleep...
Don't cha think?
I was at work by 9:30...
not to shabby and I only look a little glazed over,
I have warned my students,
that the sleep deprived can be unpredictable and dangerous
so they should tread lightly.
All got it but one who replied...
"The last time somebody said that was when I was at Hogwarts and professor..."
I cut him off with a stare, then went into the hallway and laughed my ass off.
Apparently the sleep deprived also find silly shit funny...
but it was really funny....
My sarcasm and smart-ass classes are going quite well,
all A's!!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I am there for I am, tired!

I am tired.
My body is betraying me and trying to act 40.
I didn't sleep last night.
Not at all.
I thought I was sleep but ...No I wasn't.
I woke feeling like I had been dusted with pollen and run over by a truck.
It's not unlike other mornings when I haven't slept the night before.
I was thinking about it and in the last month I think I may have slept a total of 6 days.
Probably not good.
I am expecting a psychotic episode any minute now.
Ooooh, but when I snap, I want it to be good!
I want phrases like, "We didn't see that coming'"
and " You know, I knew her ass was crazy"
and my favorite, "She did what!!!"
I go in and out of interrupted sleep cycles.
There was once this time a couple years ago I had insomnia for almost three months.
No sleep at all!
I was hanging like a thread.
People would stay in my classroom waiting for me to break or pass out.
I would lie in bed an cry myself to exhaustion. My body would shut down.
I would lie there eyes closed, but no REM cycle would happen for me.
When I finally broke, I was hanging out on a Friday with Sally, my best friend in the whole wide world, when I ran home to get something. When I didn't come back someone came to look for me . I was passed out on the bed. I was told my pulse was checked. The mirror placed under my nose to make sure I was still breathing. and Sally stayed with me the first night, I think. I slept for three days straight. I didn't eat or drink without someone rousing me and making me.
I don't want to do that again.
I am afraid that soon it is going to affect my performances. I don't want to take a sleeping pill, and I won't. I am trying to think of activities that tire me out.
I would say sex, but I can be a bit insatiable at times so I technically am not the one tuckered out. Maybe the tour will do it.
I leave Saturday for D.C./ Baltimore!
Very excited!
I love performing out of town.
I could totally fuck up and they won't know!
It's awesome!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

I am listening to ME

I have been in my head for several weeks now.
I know you're probably thinking, better in your head than out of your mind.
I give you that, but being so far in your head is not good for me.
If I'm in my head how is all the good shit going to get out?
It's not.
I have had an amazing two months.
Almost all of it positive.
I made the Art Amok Slam team!
Hell, yes!
I can't wait to go to Austin and shake some shit up.
I finally think I am at the level where I can compete and not completely suck.
I don't take myself to seriously.
I don't have fits when I fuck up...
on stage...
meaning I don't have the fit on stage...
I usually give my self a good non-verbal mental tongue lashing....then buy myself a drink to make up with me.
Oh yeah, and I give myself a hug.
A big one.
Two in fact a mental one and a physical one.
I and me we have a cool relationship like that.
See, I sees me fucking up and ME says," Damn that was fucked up, I, don't do that shit again you embarrass us both." Then I listens to ME and stops talking in case I is saying something fucked up, or I stops in her tracks in case she is doing something fucked up.
It's probably a Gemini Thing, and that's all the more reason to perfect the art of an I, ME
You should know how to recognize I and ME.
I am usually up on stage reaming a politician, cursing out an ex-husband or lover,
pretending to never want to fall in love again, and really wanting to fall in love, again.
She usually professes all these things and more in front of a mic.
Or when hanging with friends.
Or when hanging with family.
Or pretty much anytime I opens her mouth.
ME is the one who after a show is over stimulated and a little stand off-ish right off stage, at first. But she usually calms down and talks and always forgets to promote I's merchandise. And gets really strange mixed emotions when spotted at QT and reminded of lines from I's poems, or is photographed while out with digital cameras or camera phones ( I will be venting on camera phones in the near future).
After a reading, ME can't calm down she has to go somewhere surround herself with anything that may bring her down. Because I's poetry makes ME kinda high, in that non-narcotic kind of way.
Me is not as expressive as I.
She gets tongue-tied, especially when the topic is anything to do with herself in a non-mom, non-poet, non-performer kind of way. When ME has to talk about herself, I, chills in the background. She doesn't help find the words or explain themselves until she can't take ME's stammering and then she helps a sister out.
I can be a bitch like that.
But ME, doesn't hold a grudge.
The one thing that they have in common is that both I, and ME have completely lost the ability to bullshit.
Makes us kinda unpredictable in that predictable kind of way.
Me is trying to break out a little bit not be so afraid to open herself up.
I is having some issue with the whole thing.
She thinks we should control everything the same way we have been for years.
When ME and I had a lunch date to discuss the matter.
I stood her up.
I can be a bitch like that, but ME took it as a sign.
So she's sharing more personally so I's writing is changing.
I's a little shaken by this, actually frustrated and pissed off might better describe it, but she'll get over it.
All in all what I am tying to say is that for ME, listening to your inner dialogue is a good thing. Make your I, ME relationship work.
And remember, an inner dialogue is different than voices in your head.
Be careful listening to other voices in you head...those can be bad.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Come on out

It's official
I told my mom
she thinks I'm going through a phase
thinks I'm just doing this because it's easy
it is so not easy
one foot in and one foot out
in some ways I can see that
I don't feel stressed
don't feel obligated and for a change I am happy
I haven't been happy in years
the only problem is my writing is changing
I have turned squishy and it's unfucking acceptable!
and it flip flops between lovey dovey
to oh, my god I've shown you my heart and now
you're going to either
fold it like an origami crane and pull a Dick Cheney
or... You're going to place it in the street(my heart) and run over it repeatedly with your car
or..You are just going to fucking crush me when this ends...
that's the problemI think of relationships as thing that end.
two marriages down, i was unhappy in both are my foundation.
you either settle and are miserable
or you are miserable so you settle
here I am not miserable actually quite the contrary
not settling,
hell I wasn't even looking
so now you can see and understand why I am so fucked up
I have never been happy
so trying this happy on and checking out how wide it makes my ass look in the mirror
and if I can properly accessorize happy
is going to take a minute.
but I gotta stop writing this squishy poetry
I was in this totally racist situation yesterday and normally
I would have lost my shit right then and there
then eviscerated her ass poetically
and all I could think was
she needs a hug
I have turned into
a pussy
a wimp
a softy
the Pillsbury dough boy
and every other pansy ass thing.....ahhhhh
It's fucked up really
not a phase
not miserable
I am happy
and the squishy poetry is not bad
it is however confusing the hell out of people
you know you've pulled a mind scramble when you do a love poem and the audience looks horrified
the pause delay in reaction is enough to give you a fucking complex and the only comment you get is a disappointing....You didn't curse once.
very funny
i guess I've gotta watch more news
someone is bound to do something to piss me of nicely and then I can rediscover my pissed off inner poet
that didn't take long,
how the fuck and why would you try a scam in which the end result is six babies
how do you pull that off?
do stupid people just grow here ?
is there a farm?
that is the most insane thing I have ever heard of
see better and all because
I live in America the land of the depraved and home of the fucked up a lot
maybe the pretendo pregnant stupid woman needs a hug..

Monday, April 10, 2006

intimidating you say

note to reader
i am again not using punctuation again
i will also not be capitalizing and my subject matter is upsetting to me so i will be cursing like a fucking sailor on shore leave at a nunnery
oh yes and my spelling won't be great

i was told last night by someone that they were intimidated by me
i thought they were kidding
i hear that a lot and don't own it usually as something i exude
i don't wake up for instance and say
you know what i think i will go out and intimidate many
i am aware that i have a strong personality and at times i can be intense
even scary
only sometimes
so the same person then proceeds to hit on the person i happen to be seeing right now
they wait of course until i leave the table and while i perform but clearly they were not intimidated enough by me
so now
i'm pissed
and i don't even care if it's not rational
the fact that this person believed i wouldn't be told astounds me
the denial when i confronted astounded me more
the fact that this person had the fucking nerve to raise a voice to me was equally astounding
but by far the most astounding thing is the fact that i resisted the urge to knock this person the fuck out
it's not an ownership thing
i know it is ridiculous to even think you can own someone
i am just happy to have the time to get to know people
owning them is not something i wish to do
it's about respect for others and self
i wasn't respected and my friend is left in a funky ass position of feeling uncomfortable
who crossed the boundary and is this other person was really my friend
i want to let it go but right now
i can't
i'm going to need a wide birth
because i haven't had the urge to pop someone in a really long time
last time i felt this way
didn't go so good there was mad violence at the Masquerade
i tried to beat someone into another century
and we all know i am way too old for this
sanity thy name is elusive

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


I keep looking for it
and maybe it's not a visual thing
maybe beauty is different everytime you need to experience it
for instance when my children were born
the beauty of hearing them cry out before seeing them
was my beauty
seeing their precious faces
or are their faces
my constant reminder
of where the sound of beauty sprang
is hearing my mom say she's proud of me my beauty
or knowing it
is protecting yourself to the point where no one can reach you
on any level because you've been hurt
self-preservation such a part of you that you don't recognize it
knowing in your heart that if you wanted to be reached
if you allowed anyone to enter protected areas
it would be beautiful
or does beauty begin when you allow those walls to be picked apart
knowing at anytime the rug could be snatched from under you
while bricks in you facade fall away
knowing you could be devastated
hoping you won't be crushed by the debris of falling walls
releasing the fear you've held
hoping it can turn to trust
then maybe it could turn into that very thing
that protects you better than walls ever could
would that be beautiful
I've been climbing over the walls I've built
to protect myself
apparently from myself
that I never took the time to look down
now I've got that fluttering feeling
as I teeter on the edge
of what could be beautiful
and it scares the fuck out of me