Saturday, July 28, 2007

the party's over

yeah i don't know who's crazier me or her. probably me. i keep getting caught up in trying to fix or save folks. and when i make a fucking rule i should know better than to break it. i do this sick thing where i kinda make a notation when i start getting to know someone intimately. it's kinda twisted and probably acts more as a catalyst for everything that happens afterwards. me fucking around with the power of the written word, i should know better. so after the first couple days of bed games and of hearing about my ex this and my ex that i wrote; three months top, she'll bounce back to her ex, and i'll be lucky if i get through it not hating her by september. if i don't hate her by then we might be able to be friends. that last parts not looking too good.

as i can only focus on one thing at a time my attention was dominated in this fix a chick effort. it boggles my mind. i meet these really attractive, beautiful, talented people, who tell horror stories of how they got fucked over. Some of them really fucked over, abandonment, mental abuse, all kinds of crazy shit. then comes me attentive, accommodating (too much), and they get nostalgic it seems for someone to treat them like shit. i can't treat people i care for like shit. then the horrible ex stories become, well i could have done...or we both did our... and i'm like maybe you should go back and their like no i really care about you and that's not where i need to be....bullshit? my dar seems to be stuck on attracting crazy or like i said maybe i'm the crazy one.

those days are over (she says somewhat confidently, knowing the next beautiful, smart, funny, talented one that comes along will again consume her thoughts, as she is a hopeless romantic in denial). i have made a decision (i think i have at any rate) to be adhd poet for the next two week and let my attentions wonder all over the fucking place. being naked in the hot tub last night helped clear out a lot of shit. the pretty girl from out of town in the hot tub helped as well and added to the clarity. just the change of being around some one who really doesn't want anything from you, instead of the one who claims not to want anything all the time demanding shit they claim they don't want from you. yep, i am definitely the crazy one.

i am so ready to get out of town i can't even begin to tell you. any poets wanting to assist me in the getting into fun trouble in austin, bring it!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

the clot

so lot's of things have been happening and i still feel a little bit crazed.
i had a run of very good shows, getting to know my new sweetie, managing not to totally wipe myself out with all the activity.

when i finished hosting the dixie pistols show, i thought i had a charlie horse. a week later the cramp was still there and moving up my leg. Saturday morning when i got up standing was slightly owie. i went to the emergency room. there the doctor convinced me that it was probably a blood clot that would eventually travel to my lungs or brain and possibly kill me......yeah, color me scared shitless.
when they drew my blood it moved so slowly that in my head the clot was definitely there or my blood would move more freely. begin the freak out. they prescribe me medication that i have to self inject...more freaking, i don't do needles. i have popped a nurse or two for trying to give me shots in the past. i had a crying fit in the parking lot because i was sure i would not be able to do this and as a result would be dead by Sunday. my friend was out of town and i really wanted to hear a kind voice. when we talked she was short with me and and seemed busy so i figured let's not bother her about my pending death.

when i got home i couldn't do the injection. i started calling friends and my mom. thankfully some friends stopped by, my mom ran out of the room during the injection squealing "ewww needles" yes very comforting. i felt disoriented almost immediately. later realizing that confusion and other mental shit are side effects. make the crazy crazier. the banter as retold to me involved my dying and how embarrassed i would be if i died in front of people. there were phone calls. i am not sure how many people think i'm more crazy than my usual. i do know i pissed off my friend. and the fucked up thing is no matter what i say it will sound like an excuse.

yesterday i had to stick myself three times before i could get the final dose before my deep ultrasound to detect the alleged clot. still emotional right after that i get a call from my friend and snap, why, not sure but she is pissed. so pissed..not pretty. when she confronts me face to face, i have no words anything i say will be an excuse and possibly piteous. no winning. as close as i can come to it is she didn't care that i thought i could be dying even though she didn't know i thought i could be dying...confusion thy name is theresa.

i do not have a blood clot and if i'd been allergic to the stuff given to me it could have been very bad the tech said. she said they should have never given me inject able especially with no sound proof of an ailment.

so today i am sore and in and out of my mind and trying to rest still trying to listen to see if i can hear my blood thickening. i'm giving myself a major headache that i can't do anything about because i can't take meds until this stuff is out of my system. hoping to be better tomorrow when i really have a lot of shit to do. maybe my fuck up is forgivable...time will tell.

Thursday, July 05, 2007


so i'm in publix,
cause i need some stuff.
actually i only need two things and am slightly confused when i notice all the shit i have in my buggy. i must have been having an excellent shopping experience cause there was bob in my step and was humming. i talked myself out of the french horns remembering the last time i had them. it wasn't pretty. talked myself out of the 5lb bag of pistacios. i mean i like them but can only eat a handful before my tongue goes into overdrive. looking at the contents in my buggy if i didn't know better i would have thought i was high....and i wasn't. i end up with 5 things. a rock star energy drink, a bag of tortilla chips, 5 layer dip, those little crab cake things ( cause they must have crack in them), and a six pack of strongbow.

i'm checking out. there is a very eager bagger bagging up my stuff. he is loving his job. an elderly couple is pushing their bag filled buggy towards the sliding doors. mr. eager rushes to aid them. almost knocks the old guy on his ass and bumps his old lady companion into a rack. he explains to them that he wants to take their bags to their car. they say no. he continues to hold on to the buggy pushing it as they are trying to stop him. he explains again that he just wants to do his job well and take their groceries to the car. the old man again says no and adds thanks. the young man then has a slight tantrum and shoves the buggy out of their reach then sulks back over to the register i'm at. you can take my bags if you like, i offer.
he tells me that i only have two bags, they had more and walks away.
i'm sorry, but maybe you had to be there, the shit was funny!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

the straw

i have been running for weeks.
this week has been ridiculously busy and full of stress.
working the social forum, managing to make all the performances, worrying if i was going to lose my house,no time to write, post office still fucking up my mail so much so my children's insurance was cancelled and now other things are being seriously effected, putting so much money out and not getting it back, putting my own financial security at risk....lots of when snuggling with my new friend trying to relax i don't remember what i did or said to upset her, but her response to it was the thing that broke me the tears started and they haven't stopped yet. i knew i was inching down the road of overwhelmed but i can usually forestall my breakdowns....yeah, not so much anymore. i lost it bad and i have been sobbing uncontrollably for hours. stress mixed with this menopause shit is like a Molotov cocktail and this shit will last for exhausted and spent.....i have to take myself out of the picture for a few days until this passes.