Randomness

funny, i didn't realize how many Rolodex i have in my head. whenever someone approaches me grinning broadly i instantly try to get context, rarely obtained. kids throw me, school, camp, rally, was i at your school, or do you know my kids? based on the wideness of the grin it helps narrow it down. the i get the do you remember me?

dude, i want to say, i've been teaching and working with kids for over 20 years?

I don't say that.

i say, of course i know you???

no i don't say that either, that would be a lie.


instead i smile and say where did we meet. she says you performed at my school with a guy named heath i think. ayodele i remember. yes i remember you, i say. she grins then runs and points me out to her mother, sister, possibly a cousin....and i realize...


i am the zoo;-)

hats

funny how once you get over the fear of your own success you can see that fear in others. trippy

my son's allergies are really out of whack. i let him go on the trip with his grandma Alice but i am bugging the shyt out of them calling every couple hours to check on him. as the mom i expect to be fully held accountable for the plants blooming, the mold growing or whatever other allergen is out there attacking my baby. it will be a rough week waiting, then i will only see him for a few hours before the advance on Florida.... too many hats sometimes, i'll wear them. they are not always on straight (god forbid), sometimes they don't match, and sometimes they make my brain sweat. but i will wear them till my head falls off..

consequences

i'm sorry if i saw a man looking like he was breaking into a house i would call the police and if i was the police who responded and checked it out then walked way and you decided it was a good idea to call me names and be an asshole i would arrest you. yes we do have the freedom of speech, yes you can speak your own mind, but when in your entire life has talking back to authority figures not brought consequences?
and if I am a professor a teacher what exactly am i teaching, in that moment?

i think we've arrived at that crux. that tit for tat crux where any and everything done by a white person to a person of color depending on the level of negativity will be racist. And now that black is the new presidential, we've all been upgraded to potential racist based on that bullshyt of position of power, so anything done by a person of color to a white person will be deemed the same.

we also, not all of us, but a general us, seem to think that bad taste, rudeness, and disrespect are acceptable forms of communication. this is how and why derogatory cartoons make the new york times. how a man at a town hall meeting can fix his mouth to call any woman a bitch, let alone the first lady.
these times will get a whole lot more interesting, and worse before they are over.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Moments

number 116 Moments



there a moments within moments
times locked away
no safer than when first born
they beckon
willing truth to rise like cream
scratching at eyes once veiled
in melancholy
smoothing memories once too close to touch
an unspoken presence
as tangible as removing shoes
willing ourselves to walk on the water of tears
collected in the worn wells
of tarnished souls
those moments show themselves
buried like treasure
unearthed in the remembering
acknowledged in the living
anger released
jaws unclenched
some windows aren’t windows
just reflections of what we close
away from ourselves
no vertical hold
our perceptions lurch
laughing becomes hard
when realization crashes
against the privacy of our own ears
when the whole world is bad reception
those moments
if embraced can realign hopes
cushion the throb behind temples
allow us to pray to personal gods that we can again
make our beds out of self respect
stop hiding from our own skin
lift the fog clouding our truths
clear our throats
embrace the emotional hangover
the mental roadblocks
focus on the space beyond our fears
our literal truths
they reside in those moments
our purist definition
no matter what the moon says

sorry

it seems my pc is under some strange attack where in no pictures at all are displayed. including the ones you have to click on in order to advance.then no internet at all without a long ago assigned password an attempt to reboot or whatever they call it the system... i called the att rep for tech support. he seemed shocked that i couldn't remember the password assigned to me years ago, then he told me that he would send me an email with my password..? when i asked him how exactly i retrieved email without the internet, he seemed stunned. speechless. then agreed it made no sense (reluctantly I might add)and set me a temporary password.. it still wouldn't work...so thank the goddess for my trusty MAC!

For an Olympic Champion

Number 110 (a poem for Teresa Edwards Living History)

there’s a magic here
one that speaks Morse code mysteries
dreams that live in daylight
hoops like halos
gold like medals
talismans of living history
her story
she dreams eyes wide open
future fixed on nimble fingers
she doesn’t know her place
tightrope walks baselines
a historical moving violation
carrying-over
to the next generation
a fade away jumper
she knows the love that
has surged through veins
every since the day she
fell in love with the game
a globetrotter by necessity
it’s amazing how far outside
some have to give-and-go
to move forward while avoiding
flagrant, personal fouls
follow I imagine
Spain blushed in her presence
Italy fell at her feet
and Russia embraced the
poetry in motion that is she
and she stands a finger roll away
sharing her wide awake dream
to wide eyed smiles
goal tending on her every syllable
she has the home court advantage
and her hang time mesmerizes
she’s like water and they drink her in
she seems to speak their language
double dribbles her way into their hearts
their heads pick- and – roll they are captivated
and so am i
I see she who shares my name
holding court,
the way I do
I wonder if we are twin souls
set on different courses
academic, athletic
different post positions
watching the same shot clock
counting down to five, four, three, two
one on one
like living history
her story
hoops like halos
gold like medals
talismans
full court press
we dream the same dreams
eyes wide open
focused on our youth
our futures

~Theresa Davis

WTF

i am so much better in my old age. the guest speaker just explained to the homophobic youth that and i quote "men wanting to be women and women trying to be men, that whole homosexual tip. that's demon possession, plain and simple. can you imagine how strong the demons are in those kinds of people. i was addicted to drugs and sent to prison but the lord saw fit for me not to have those other demons."

now, they are hearing that it is far better to be a prison hopping, pimp, drug dealer, addict than to be demonically possessed homosexual???? huuuh, i do miss the head spinning! it kills me (figuratively) when people parley (yes, i said it they are a different kind of pirate)a discussion about drug abuse into Jesus outreach. now he's advocating that the problem is school don't teach about god, so they have to seek out god on their own......whew

my face must look constipated from all this crap i'm hearing! egads

arrrghhh

it's like sleep walking backwards...
everything you react to is off cause you didn't see that shit coming??? not sure if that makes sense but i think you get it. i've felt very light the last week or two a foreign feeling and i realize how taxing some of the situations time has allowed me to extricate myself from really were.

and then there is she, we may actually be too smart for each other... lots of thinking, nah... that's not it. second date jitters no doubt is what it is.

you know how every relationship/acquaintance/alliance/shipwreck you've had since you came out has been flirt, kiss, fuck and all before the first date? sometimes before the last name? and definitely before the first orgasm?? yeah, i don't want this to be that. and that's what i'm used too. hummm, i think i'm good since we managed to stay on our feet through the first date, and i know i don't want anything similar to what i've had in the past, with her or any other person i might get involved with, besides it's been a minute and i'm almost positive i've forgotten how. being interesting and ignoring sexual tension is proving difficult, but oddly stimulating which feeds back into that tension thing. so as you can see it's a big sexy mess. i want us to go dancing tonight.... but whatever we do it will be fun i am sure.

and a child shall.....

i love these kids. they are so funny and anxious to be heard. i heard one of the kids saying to new camper, "you're going to like ms. theresa's class she let's you like have a voice." today we talked about stress and what causes stress. i helped them categorize the main causes of stress, major life changes, catastrophe, everyday problems, and environmental problems. so many divorces and deaths it makes my head spin. kids today have to be so tough all the time and they suffer from so much stress. i can't wait for tomorrow's discussion at how they cope with and manage their stress. i mentioned the topic for tomorrow and one young lady was like, "oh i can answer that one all ready, kick their butt!" i asked, "how exactly do you kick an upcoming test or an eviction in the butt?" she said, "oh, my bad, i thought we were talking about people who piss us off." I said, "do you think being angry and stressed are the same thing?" she said, "yup, being stressed makes me angry and being angry stresses me out." how you going to argue with logic like that?

Will Ferell owes me 20 bucks!

You know how sometimes you go to a movie and after the first scene it starts going wrong. You sit there thinking any minute now it's going to get better, any minute now it will stop being shity. You repeat this to yourself for nearly two hours and it doesn't get better. Land of the Lost is that movie. So full of mistakes like wardrobe and plot. It was a bad choice for a first date. So bad in fact I felt compelled for us to see another. Determined to not have her thoughts of our first date to be "she took me to that god awful movie!" You know it's bad when after a moment of silence you both say "that was really bad" in unison. Lesson learned but I'm still thinking Will owes me 20 bucks.

let ex be ex

i was trying to maintain a semblance of friendship. i listened to the constant bitching and complaining, the constant it's all about her banter. while she goes on and on and if i talk about me i'm self-centered. well i tried, but last night she pissed me off to the point of half considering driving the fucking hour and a half to her house to kick her ass. so while i was a propnant of amicable break ups and tried to demonstrate that while you are no longer together you can still be friends, my view has change. fuck 'em if you were supposed to be together and for whatever reason you broke up, it probably means you shouldn't be together. things i've learned from this ex.

1. not all people can change
2. people who scream the most about fighting fair seldom fight fair themselves.
3. not all people can or are worth to be a friend
4. people who have to be right all the time are a ginormous pain in the ass
5. if i have to gear myself up to deal with someone, that's my sign to walk the fuck away

those are the top five.

ask and ye shall...

i have been struggling with my tongue. so skilled at ranting and doing the teaching, poet thing completely tied when asking someone out. it's funny to get to this place in my life and be inhibited when in the past if i wanted something or to be with someone i simply made the declaration. when did i develop this fear of rejection? i found myself asking a question today in such a round-a-bout way that by the end i didn't even know what i was asking for. somehow through my verbal meandering the message was received and in the receiving so did i. the answer was yes! and now the question is ...what should i wear??

Redemption

so i have been a bad blogger and this must stop. some of my best venting comes from blogging and i'm feeling a little suppressed. so much happening and yes writing a poem helps but a down and dirty blog where I give not a shyt to how it is received, yes this is what I need to get back to… opps, I’m cooking a very late dinner but I will be back soon!!!

Just so you know

I am going to work up a review of the year but that could take a minute so I’ll give you the play by of the past few weeks.


iwps was amazing!!! the blast I had was memorable. I was deemed the best wing-man ever by Cuban and did the poems I wanted to leave there. yeah!!!!


I opened for R.I.S.E. on Friday. awesomeness!! my good friend Meadow was finally able to road trip with me. we had a great time! we had dinner at her favorite vegetarian restaurant, the 9% beers a nice finisher. then we, the amazing navigators of the south, left the parking deck to drive to the venue only to park back in the same lot…I blame the beer, and the quirky Asheville streets that are closer to things than they appear. we opened for the band and Meadow was meadowfabulous as usual and now all of Asheville loves her…i'm sooo not surprised.

guess what?

we’re in the band!!!!!



so, i've decided that once a month i will offer up new info about me. you know, things you may not know. hidden fears, lustful longings, meandering memories, some shyt you could care less about, that sort of thing.


so, this thing happens to be three of my fears.


my bathroom fears…..



oh yes,it's about to go down (no pun intended..or was it?)



#1. my hair touching toilet water or even the seat.



as my hair is too long, considering a trim, I have to do a certain amount of preparation before going. if loose this is usually accomplished by twisting it in a knot on top of my head, which has a tendency to shift especially when navigating the port o potty...eeewh! when braided much easier. if you ever see a dread headed woman shrieking at the top of her lungs ripping locks out by the handful this is what happened. please stop me. i don't think ripped bald is a good look for me.

I remember once maybe two years ago my hair touched toilet water, thank the goddess after flushing, but still I felt it necessary to strip down and hop into the awaiting shower. ok, I was at a party, and I didn’t know where the towels were, and people were waiting to go. still it had to be done.no i haven't been invited to another party there......go figure



#2. dropping my cell phone in a toilet.



I think I am not the only one who has this fear. this is why I purchased a pouch for the phone as this almost happened and in my lunge to catch it and #1 almost happened…would have been disastrous.



#3. dropping my wallet in the toilet.



yes, this is why I stopped carrying a wallet. once while standing after a mission completed my wallet slipped from my back pocket and narrowly missed falling in the toilet. Two weeks ago my mom yelled at me for not carrying a purse. i stared at her uncomprehending and we settled on a wallet. so I put my stuff in a wallet. was working out ok until….



so my hair is still in tact, my phone moisture free…..but I’ve learned what money laundering means on a gross level..


so I’d like to leave you with this gross but true fact,

because I am sure I am not the only one to have done this…



DO NOT PUT MONEY IN YOUR MOUTH AND WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER HANDLING..YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DON’T KNOW WHERE IT MAY HAVE BEEN!!!!



Happy Holidays!!!

tHIS weekend!!!

This weekend!!!!

a finny thing happened on the way to the strip club

I am sure people think I make this shit up. I really don't. I am finding it incredibly ironic that I am always in a place where something incredibly fucked up is happening, at least once a week. This blog while describing the event will also offer up some nuggets of knowledge. Common Sense for Dummies type shit. So on ward….



The first little nugget of thought wrapped in a lesson sort of. When you learn a language, and I could just be talking about me and some friends of mine, you leaned the inappropriate stuff first. How to say asshole, fuck you, hey baby you fine, bullshit... You know stuff like that then you continue eventually incorporating all the stuff, that stuff being knowledge, you have accumulated. Right?



Now here it is important to understand this is a multi-lingual thing, I am sure when folks learn English they also learn these words and phrases. Remember English is a foreign language to most of the people in the world, hell, for most of the people in the US.



So, on to the drama. I had a thing this morning. When I got done I thought,"There is no way in hell I am cooking tonight." My plan was to go home take a nap and finish my commitments. So blogging wasn't even in the mix and because I more peck than type this is taking longer than I expected and eating into my nap time.

I digress, back on task poet! Peck Poet Peck!



So I see it my tummy does a happy little flip and I enter the building hearing a very robust "WELCOME TO MOE'S"!



They always make me feel smiley when they do that. Then I hear the side talk, in Spanish, in very snarky tones. I glance around to see who they are talking about. They are talking about a black guy who is at the soda pump. A big black guy. I make out asshole, and stealing I think I hear something that sounds scarily like nigger. The man hears it as well and snaps.



He goes off with such a blast that the woman happily making my burrito jumps spilling beans on her shoes. The other customers (mostly white) are looking terrified as fuck. The man calls the staff out on the name calling, makes it known he isn't stealing shit and will have no problem going to get a few friends to explain this to the staff. Over the commotion I tell my server…chicken, I'd like chicken.



All the employees are wearing that face. You know the one. The one you wear when you say something about someone in hushed tones and they hear you. It a combination "you heard that", "oh shit" "fukitty fuck, fuck" face. You know you know it. One of the employees finding his manhood decides to move in front of the man and laugh at the man while he is in mid tirade.



Note to reader: This is not a good idea for many reasons. Especially when you have already been threatened by the bringing of the peeps. The bringing of the peeps is never a good thing. This is that split second moment between ass whipping and police lock up. Avoid this at all costs. Walk the fuck away.



The man moves closer to the stupidly brave one. The woman fucking up my burrito is yelling call the police in Spanish. Another one of those phrases you learn first. The entire staff has been turned mute and stupid except for frantic cries of call the police. I look at the man. a combination of, "damn, let's just pull out all the stereotypes" and "there are two black folks in here and one of us has lost our minds if this continues we will have arrived together in the police report", look on my face.


I clear my throat loudly and say to shrieking girl, "YES, I WOULD LIKE CHICKEN, BLACK BEANS, RICE, PICO, GUAC, SOUR CREAM, RAW ONIONS, IS THAT SALSA HOT, YEAH NO I DON'T WANT THAT, AND I D LIKE TO ORDER THE MOO MOO FOR MY SON!



The man's stops mid stream and looks around. I say without looking back at him, "No he's not here thank God, it is Sunday right?" I say finally looking his way. He looks around at the startled people food held half way to their mouth in a stuck stupid kind of way. He threatens the staff one more time and stomps out the building. The son thing doesn't always work, but I saw he was dressed like he had been to church this morning, and clearly he was having one of those out of body experiences when your pissed levels supersedes rational thought. I don't think he wanted to hurt anybody, but if it had escalated I think he would have.



I pay for my food. The staff is a mess. All eyes fixed on the door. One of the guys start talking to the other guy, I hear the word "comprender" it means understand. When the guy answers he was too stupid to understand. I say but I understand you, why wouldn't he. Your language stopped being exclusive a long time ago.I put the top on my drink and left.



I'm sure when I left they had some choice things to say about me. Probably in Spanish. But they waited till I left see, they learned……..


And that my friends is Common Sense for Dummies Lesson one of many I'm sure!!

Holding my tongue

not an easy thing for me to do. i've conditioned myself not to do it but i do understand that if by letting my words fly i'm not helping a situation best to keep quiet and watch. unfortunately, i was not born with a poker face accessory pack. my face tells on me constantly and because i can't see my face unless glancing in a mirror i am not sure what expression displays that look of "what the fuck" that many have told me they see. oh well, at least i hold my tongue right. well that is until some one asks me based on what ever expression i'm donning if i have a problem with what ever is being said or done, then no more tongue holding.

rough

there are some questions no one wants to hear the answers to, better recognize!

so, i had to pull over today to take a call and while talking i watched this guy attempt to paddle his bike up a hill. there were several things working against him the tires were low, the hill was steepish, he had dangly chains hanging off his britches which kept wrapping themselves around his knee. the thing working most against him was the fact that his pants were sagging so bad that the belt he was wearing was cradling his thighs so that the chains were dangling lower and lower, catching his knees more often, the profanity was entertaining, nice combinations, and the hill was winning. GO HILL!!!



so caught up was i, in watching the spectacle that my conversation was limited to me saying, "uh huh, and ok and uh huh and nodding", which i'm pretty sure can't be heard. i sat for at least five minutes and his progress had not improved by much. by the time i ended the call i forgot who i was talking to or what i had agreed to do. gotta love caller id.



as i passed i asked if he needed a lift or if he thought that if he lifted his pants he could get better traction. shit, forgot to hold my tongue, dammit! he swore at me, gave me the finger (two in fact) and then some new gesture that i'm pretty sure meant fuck you as well. so redundant, but i didn't say that. i held my tongue.


see i can do it, sometimes.


i did notice in my rear view mirror him pulling up his trousers, tightening his belt and place the dangling chain in a pocket. grinning, i told him to have a nice day and he flipped me off again, but he kinda smiled.

southern hospitality, ain't it GRAND!

slam tonight @ spelman's cosby auditorium at 5:30 come out if you can!

train wreck (repost from myspace)

before i get in to the saga, can i just say that meeting Teresa Edwards yesterday was so incredible and her speech was inspiring and did what it was suppose to do INSPIRE, MOTIVATE, and a couple other things i'm sure were just happening to me.



back to the saga..... not back to..

here goes the saga may be better..how can i go back to something not yet started...over explaining mode..i'll try to turn it off..yeah there's a switch, somewhere.?

i have long passed concluded that not everyone should talk to children. well, in a professional way. you should speak to the children in your life that's not what i mean, sure you know that, i appear to be in over explaining mode. it kicked in about four hours ago as i talked the middle schooler's down from a mini mutiny. they were very pirate and i dug the way it came about but my pirate and my teacher went head to head and the teacher won. as she should have the pirate wanted to jump in there and tell the speaker what he was doing wrong but his defenses were way to high and i find in my old age i have a hell of lot less patience with adults these days.

the discussion was about drug awareness. it should have been called use scary statistics, nasty pictures, watery facts and package it to try to scare the hell out of kids awareness. i could see how it works on a certain group. but what i know about working with kids is you have to mix it up. you have to listen to gauge the maturity of the audience and which voice will work, kinda like slam , except they don't throw tens when you get it right but the can sling some venomous attitude if you get it wrong.

they were broken down into two groups. and the talk went over better with the younger kids. most of them disengaged early and he made the mistake of answering questions that were way to irrelevant to his point. the older kids not so much. they have a tendency to listen. now mind you it's mostly to catch you in a mistake or to dispute what you're saying, but they listen.

while i was listening i caught several skewed facts. he was harping on smoking pot, a lot. underestimating their knowledge of this particular drug.

what was done wrong.....

1. he started off ok, then made a blanket statement.

my definition of a blanket statement is one that is vague and covers too much to make your point stronger.

he was talking about inhalants and how dangerous they are. the kids were with him until he said that anything you inhale through your nose besides air is probably bad for you. now knowing the middle school mind i knew immediately what would happen and before i could say anything it started. "i inhale the smell of coffee every morning when my mom makes it. i smell my food. i guess i should tell my dad not to smell the flowers i bought him for father's day. omg, i can smell your perfume, it's damaging me, go away." the giggles started. the point was lost. his body language changed and said he was irritated. then his tone changed saying that he IS irritated.

2. he then made a statement about how damaging pot is and that people will say that they got a prescription for it but they are lying because that is just what people who like to smoke pot say. another blanket statement with loop holes this time. one kid says they prescribe marijuana for aids patients who suffer from side effects of their medication. he said they do not. now maybe what he meant to say was the prescription is not called marijuana. maybe what he meant was you can't get a prescription for marijuana plants in this state playing technical with the wording and leaving out that marinol (legal thc) is prescribed. but telling them only part of the information contaminates the information. at this point most are not listening, because they don't believe him and he's using his slightly ticked voice so now they are responding to it by becoming defensive.

3. then because they are talking amongst themselves disputing the information he just gave them he decides to shame them.. fyi, middle schoolers can be shamed into doing the right thing but not usually in large groups. he tells them that he gave the same talk to a group of white students and asked them to guess how many times he had to ask them to be quiet. NONE, he blares and the are now mutinous. shaming not highly recommended there are better ways to get their attention. comparing a group of black urban youth to white children in an effort to make them conform has never worked by anyone i've ever seen trying to execute it. just saying.

4. then because they are really not listening he switches to incarcerated youth and pulls up stats highlighting the statistics referring to black youth and acting like they can't see the stats for whites. then he says "Georgia gave a test called the crct. over 53% of the students who took it failed it asked them if they knew why." hands were raised. he ignored them and went on to say it was because they were either on drugs or in jail.

oh, snap!

did you hear that?

it was the straw that broke the camels back.

hands flew into the air. he looked at them ignored them turned his back ignored them then announced he wasn't taking any questions. pandefuckingmonium.

one girl insists says "the reason those kids failed had a lot more to do with the curriculum than anything else and why didn't he mention the number of white kids in jail or on meth? and not only black children go to school in the state of Georgia and how many of that 53% was white? (he should have never brought race into the conversation, and the fact that he was black did not help)

here i have to admit, my pirate was like you tell him girl, get the answer to your questions. but when he got in her face and started trying to shout her down with "we are not discussing this, and you don't know what your talking about" her body language matching his it was clear the discussion was over.

i pulled her aside and told her there are better ways to get your point across. just being right can't be your bottom line. if you know you're right sometimes that will have to do, because there will be lots of times when you are right and arguing that with some adults will not be to your advantage.

crazy...it was.. i guess i get it when some people cringe when i proudly say..i teach middle school, they can be a handful, especially when you DON'T know how to speak their language..i am fluent in mad middle schoolese;-)