The Third Time is Phucking Free.

I had a moment today that put one of my confusing to myself perspectives in clearer view. I give folk three chances in most things, even love and this is bad. Who needs their heart broken by the same person three times? Well, me apparently. Working on that mostly by staying away from anything or one that might get a hopeless romantic going, it's all I got for now, still healing.

Today I went shopping to make the bomb ass Enchilada Casserole, see picture below, and I used a coupon that is worded strangely and every time I use one of them the cashier has no fucking idea what she/he/they are doing. Every. Fucking. Time.

This time the cashier has given the coupon too much value.

I know what the phuck you're thinking, a deeper discount just take it and go, And I hear you, but Karma is a fuck place with GPS and sometimes I am too damn honest for my own good. Ask my ex's.

So I say to her, well it should actually be for $2.19 not 3 dollars. She looks at me like I slapped her dog and called her stupid.

I got a neck roll y'all.

She read the coupon back to me like I was stupid and she slapped my dog. She so fuckin lucky I don't have a dog. So I just said, no I wasn't judging the coupon, it's worded funny, just thought you should know.

I got a teeth suck y'all.

She read it again, pointing at the words, loudly. I gave her a Dora the Explorer stare, you know the one where you hear the blink. That was the third time so I accepted the discount. This way I can show Karma the receipt and be like, Heffa look.

This thing reminds me of the free dryer. Not hair a dryer but the big ass thing that dries wet clothes, that dryer. It was the same thing. I went to buy it ran my credit card a second before

remembering that I put the $300 limit cause the holidays and I was spending entirely too much money on relationships that I was the only one who thought that's what that was. Of course the card was declined. I told them why it declined. They looked at me like,"Yeah, sure that's why." Told them I'd be back in 20 minutes just leave it where it is. I came back 18 minutes later. Walked up to the service counter where my new shiny ass dryer sat looking at me like, "Yeah, I'm going home with you tonight!"

My turn. I tell the cashier that I am here to pay for my dryer and I point to it proudly. She pulls off the paperwork attached and says,

Her -"You taking it now or do you want it delivered?"

Me- "Delivered."

Her- "What's your address?" I tell her.

Her- "Thursday morning OK?"

Me - "Thursday morning is great!"

Her- "Ok, NEXT."

Me- "I need to pay you."

Her - "It's paid for, you wanna another copy of the receipt?"

Me- "No I haven't paid yet."

Her- (pointing at the receipt like I'm stupid) "What does that say?

Me- "Paid. But I's not cause..." She cuts me off.

Her - "Are you Theresa Davis?"

Me- "Yes, but."

Her- "Do you live at (she says my address loudly and I'm like oh yea, tell the stalkers everything why the phuck don't ya in my brain and starting to get irritated)

Me - "Yes, but"

Her - "Here's the copy of your receipt and it will be delivered on Thursday."

That was the third time.

Free dryer with no threat of Karma coming back at me and if this person's drawer came up several hundred dollars short, she brought that shyt on herself three times.

So it's a good policy with stuff, but I gotta not do it with my heart. Gotta try something new there.

There is only so much tape.

There are only so many poems.

That's a lie, There are tons of poems.

see.

Too fucking honest!

9/30 Strike

(Some of my 30/30 are poems written years ago finally reworked or edited. This is one of those.)

Strike

Wedged against a boulder scraping at flesh and bone.

The pain of getting to know what comes next,

what that look in your eyes actually means,

and what part of that definition will be left with the wreckage.

Wearing silence a halo pierced through with desire with hope.

Little running motions up my spine. Blood filtered through

the promise of forgotten promises.

When our lips first met in that pure place. Wild dogs bayed

at an unseen moon. Our teeth clashed and bit the way we

reached inside of each other. A forgone conclusion an eventual tumult.

We left our innocence wiped it away sweaty intentions.

Pride to proud to mention in that moment.

Clumsy and messy with all the moving parts and I knew I would not survive.

You held me too close, broke me, as if I were a fever.

Must Do Better!!

The last year and a half were rough. I hit a really low point and the people I thought I could depend on taught me some hard lessons on top of the low. I have my steady handful and plan to keep them, they also, ironically, knew me before all this. It's the afters. I had to come to terms with a lot of things that shook me and made me want to re-evaluate how I relate to people. My loyalties were tested and found to be one-sided as I realized that there were people in my life that I considered priceless while they considered me optional or after thought. It messed me up more than I thought. Like abandonment issues weren't enough here's a nice big ass dose of trust issues, oh and here are some more ghosts to go with the others. So I took to the road as much as I could. Never in town long enough to be lied to, taken for granted or worse, a joke.

So I don't trust my judgement these days or maybe it's my heart I don't trust. As a result I am watching my life go by from the relative safety of the edge not even daring to jump in to the pool. I met someone a several months ago and after a few dates I caught myself running through the various scenarios, the hierarchy of friendship,  the lying about unnecessary shyt, the making up unnecessary excuses, the promises made just to be broken and what I might do to the next person who hurts my kid. That date ended badly. Not rudely, I'm rarely rude, just me disconnecting from the grid and making sure "Welcome" is not tattooed on my forehead.

I have recently been tempted and am standing in the shallow end of the pool. Just ankle action. I want to believe she won't hurt me, but I can't trust it completely. Not yet. She will have to come to me, that makes me nervous because, well, what if she doesn't?

I remember saying, years ago in response to someone who asked when I would settle down again, maybe in my 50's! Well, 50 is approaching and maybe uttering the words so long ago, manifested them at the time I defined when I put into the world. Or not. Until then I am on the move, busy getting my ankles wet from time to time.

I started this blog as a recovery journal when I had my partial hysterectomy in 2005 (I was having many moments back then). Since then it has been a repository for rants, heart to hearts, poems and can you believe this shyt stories. I stay busy to keep the loneliness at bay and I have very few folk to use as soundboards that haven't rendered me out of sight out of mind. So, I think I will use this space more in the future to recover and get through some of the lonely along with the occasional rant, heart to heart, poems and can you believe this shyt stories.
You know, like usual.

I am going to start a new blog for National Poetry Month. I'll try to remember how to link it to this one, or watch a You Tube video to figure it out.

This weekend all my kids will be home so I'm gonna love on them extra to stock pile the hugs, Zion's gonna hate that, but deal he will. My actor has auditions and this mommy knows, my baby is going to kick much artistic ass. She is just like her mother in that department.

SS

today

yesterday, i officiated my first ever wedding! it was so very beautiful and some folk know of my aversion the the "M" word, being a part of this process has softened my heart in some ways. i had a date. she stood me up. it's ok but then it's not ok. it was a really big deal and i spent a lot of quality time preparing my words, would have been nice to have someone there. i don't know if it's me or not. i get the whole come closer go away vibe from this person and maybe i should take the hint. i have no idea how to date and it is possible that my radar is a bit fucked up as far as figuring out if someone really wants to get to know you. up until this point, my dating was a series of what should have been one night stands that just went on, and on, and on.... so here i am trying to switch it. do it right. and here we are. maybe my timing is off (it's been off for a while), or maybe she's just not that into me. could happen. i am suffering from sever loneliness and maybe that gives me the appearance of desperate. i don't feel desperate but maybe that is the vibe i'm sharing. going to leave it alone for now. not going to ask anyone out for a while. i do feel i need to learn how to deal with rejection, but damn!

If multiple choice is an option pick "c"

She is praying for snow. I admire her faith but that shit is just not going to happen. It's interesting this will be the second Christmas Eve we've spent together, no closer to building, maybe further away from breaking. Time will tell. "What do the lonely do at Christmas" is playing in the background. Her jam, and I'm not sure what my role is now. I mean we are together? Should I be offended or not give a damn....questions? I won't ask.if I do there could be a fight or "disagreement" and I would like to get laid. So, tongue secured in cheek I will not comment. See, you can teach an old dog, or cougar, new tricks.

I packed poorly. There are no clothes in my bag. Toothbrush, socks, underwear, pj's, a bullet and batteries....what the fuck..oh, yes please! One track mind, yes that would be the track and look my mind just moving and hoping no one sees me wearing the same clothes I had on Friday on Sunday. Oops.

I finally decided on a title for my book. If you didn't know, I will be published by Sibling Rivalry Press may 2013. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. You should be too and then you should buy my book. The writing of the title poem is bringing up shit not sufficiently suppressed. Damn my brain. The poem will not look like itself when I'm done if I keep edit hacking it to pieces. So I'm going to let it simmer.

My best friend called. I invited her over. Cozy, fire in the fireplace, did I mention my girl is hoping for snow.? That shit better NOT happen. It was good. Everyone behaved an I was wearing pj's, glad she called first .. Hello!

Now we are going to watch a movie. We always try to watch a movie. Sometimes we finish, but I'm feeling frisky so..that may not happen...like the snow.

Happy holidays!!

The damn of it all

I don't get it. I mean I know what it is to be hurt. I even know what it is to expect to be hurt. What I don't get is making something out of nothing then not being willing to adit that you are wrong. I am wrong a lot. I tell my students constantly don't be afraid to make mistakes, but then learn from them, and try not to make the same mistake twice and keep it pushing.

Now don't get me wrong I can be as self righteous as the next guy, but come on. When it comes down to it if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I will admit to it. Eating crow from time to time is a part of being human. Wrap that shit in bacon and add some sauce, call it dinner or a light snack and keep on going.

I'm not sure I can keep doing this on again off again bullshit. I'm not too keen on being called a liar to my face especially when being quite honest. She accuses me of cheating. I stopped cheating when I stopped getting married. I honestly don't have time to work in more extra, extra curricular activities and gave up one night stands many years ago.

I don't work well with insecure people, in relationships. I am not quiet or closeted and I get a lot of attention from other people. If you are thinking that I have slept with every person who greets me, hugs me, or tags me in a picture on Face Crack then you are doing too much and I'm good. But I am not that damn good even on my best day. I am not into conquests and respect women far too much to become a womanizing woman.I can appreciate that she has trust issues but I don't appreciate the attempt to make those issues mine.

The suck of it is that I was finally starting to relax the walls carefully placed to protect my heart and damn if they aren't flying up again. And part of me wonders if that is it. Is it easier to pursue someone who you think might reject you as opposed to someone who really might want to make a life with you? Do you destroy it so that you can tell yourself that it would have happened anyway?

Fuckery I tell you!