Realizations

I had a moment this week when I considered the weight of all the shyt I have to do this month. it was a moment of slight terror mixed with "what the fuck?" So many changes at one time. So much shedding so much new, none of it terrible. I own entirely to many books. There is now way I will be able to house them all. Besides I'd rather see them resting on a bed stand owned by a young avid reader. I have acquired so much in so many years. A metaphor, perhaps. About more than stuff and more about stuff. Yes. I am still feeling slightly overwhelmed. So much editing and not as much time as I'd like. I am going to make it work. I will make it right. I might be crazy on the other side of it but, well, we always knew that was a possibility. Send good thoughts!

24/ 30 Masterpiece

24/30 masterpiece       When we touched that last time. I tricked myself into thinking it was a good thing. Relaxed into the letting. Took down my hair so your fingers could play. It felt good. Because I didn't know it was the last time. I let   you touch. All of my stuff. You left your finger prints as evidence. At the base of my spine. Never questioning motive. Never believing a touch as gentle as yours could sting leave marks that can only be seen in flashback memories. I thought we were moving towards some new definition. Some new name we would call ourselves.   The notion that you were using my skin as cover, to hinge a door you would close. Me on the other side. No key offered as payment. A sign hung crooked on your intentions. No this girl allowed. Never seemed possible.   Do I still love you?   A questionI keep posing to myself. When I answer, I suspect I am lying.   When we touched that last time. I wish I had been present enough to know what was happening. Maybe I could have seen what was excavated, what was archived, what parts of me were museum-ed to memory Then maybe. Maybe then. I would have registered an ending. I still would not have been prepared.

today

yesterday, i officiated my first ever wedding! it was so very beautiful and some folk know of my aversion the the "M" word, being a part of this process has softened my heart in some ways. i had a date. she stood me up. it's ok but then it's not ok. it was a really big deal and i spent a lot of quality time preparing my words, would have been nice to have someone there. i don't know if it's me or not. i get the whole come closer go away vibe from this person and maybe i should take the hint. i have no idea how to date and it is possible that my radar is a bit fucked up as far as figuring out if someone really wants to get to know you. up until this point, my dating was a series of what should have been one night stands that just went on, and on, and on.... so here i am trying to switch it. do it right. and here we are. maybe my timing is off (it's been off for a while), or maybe she's just not that into me. could happen. i am suffering from sever loneliness and maybe that gives me the appearance of desperate. i don't feel desperate but maybe that is the vibe i'm sharing. going to leave it alone for now. not going to ask anyone out for a while. i do feel i need to learn how to deal with rejection, but damn!

i know

i fell off. said i was going to update. i lied. not on purpose, but what are you gonna do?
here is # 15 NO HOMO. I wrote it in response to hearing that phrase and well...here ya go



No Homo

A member of the genus Homo,
which includes the extinct and extant species of human beings
characterized by superior intelligence,
articulate speech, and erect carriage
also a loanword,
a prefix,
meaning the same


that can’t be
from the moment we are evicted from the womb
we are taught, instructed, threatened
to be different
draw your own lines in the sand
create your own existence
be unique
be different

if we were all the same
our moon would orbit the same earth
our rights equally protected
because we are the same
but we are different
not the same
or
no homo

no superior intelligence
no articulate speech
no erect carriage
no species of human
no sense
the words
make no sense
to me

well,
I guess it makes just about enough sense
as if my students
arms raised in protest
thesauruses
dictionaries
strewn about the floor
spines broken

they roil
overcooked alphabet soup
letters sloshing off their sides
fists punching the sky
making their agenda known
declaring in loud voices

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THERE ARE WORDS THAT SOUND THE SAME
BUT SPELLED DIFFERENTLY
HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS

AND THOSE OTHER WORDS
THOSE WORDS
DRESSED IN NEWSPRINT AND BINDINGS
THOSE WORDS THAT ARE SPELLED,
LOOK, SOUND
EXACTLY LIKE
THOSE OTHER WORDS
BUT HAVE THE AUDACITY TO MEAN
DIFFERENT THINGS

THEY ARE PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING
THEY ARE NOT
WE WILL NO LONGER HONOR THEIR PRESENCE
WE WILL NO LONGER SPEAK THEIR SYLLABLES
NO HOMONYMS
NO HOMOGRAPHS

NO HOMO
NO SAME

and well, that makes sense

when I hear those words in your song your poem
I get the feeling you are
declaring your own agenda
expressing your fear of sharing sameness
with people who sexually prefer
the same people
those
no hetero's

you are roiling
overcooked alphabet soup
the letters sloshing over your sides
lqbtqai
I stop listening
because your world is so small
your views are so narrow
there is no room for me

a member of the genus Homo,
which includes the extinct and extant species
of humans beings
characterized
by my superior intelligence
my articulate speech
and this erect carriage

and you are right
we are no homo
we are not the
same

anathema 6/30

anathema 6/30

voices raised intensely
attempt to assuage blood lust
spinning disdain pushing buttons
mortified
fists aloft
exudes displeasure
unjust
unfair
emotions vacillate
indecision about what’s more important
reiterating rhetoric
because if it’s repeated
it is truth
it is just
it is fair

how therapeutic
this atrophy of marching in the moment
this outrage at heinous behavior
this indoctrination of misdirection
spin dizzy
follow the smoke

they hope you don't notice
in the interim

all of the flames licking your back

Insight 5/30

Insight 5/30


it is dark

it is always dark
when we meet
you will tell me
it is for our own good
when we touch
we just do it
a passion takes over
it is clumsy and rough
it is close but distant
it is dark

I will ask if you are ashamed of me
you will paint pictures so vibrant
I must be apart of the landscape
I will forget my question, can’t see it
it is dark

we will merge
not under street light
too much illumination
you will drag me shadow
pull me close
it is dark

I will make the first move
you will counter
we will be arms and anchor
tomorrow and never
you will tell me you love me
I will not believe
it is dark

we will make ourselves frantic
turn crazy in to cravings
you will forget my name
I will convince myself
that it was because
it was dark

you will notice the sky
a detailed missed by me
staring into dislocated eyes
you will attempt to leave
I will protest
you will ignore
I will tell myself this is happening
because
it is dark

you will leave
the sun will show her face
I will resolve to find
that one who is willing to
love me
in the light

I have grown tired
of living
in the dark

Doors 4/30

Doors 4/30


I can feel the vibrations in my bones
feel the breath in my body
as I float over everything
there are moments when I see you there
see your face
feel the softness of you
and the tears

there was a time when we feel like perfect
when pillows wore our heads
our reflections the ceiling
walls recording our voices

Bacon Pop

Bacon Pop. The idea was a sound one, it probably shouldn't have been acted on but, well it has. The initial taste is lovely. A couple handfuls later, you realize the bacon flavor is fading and all you can taste is the salt. Then your tongue starts burning, if it's geographical, like mine, and feels like it may swell. I imagine if I had it with beer it might be tolerable but, it is clearly not happy hour, yet. I'm going to give it a sideways thumb, not great, not awful, but still maybe not right.

My Daughter's First Joke 3/30

My Daughters First Joke


we are meeting
as we do
in the fall like we do
in our small home there
are at least thirty people here
family
that’s how we roll
she is four
I am tumbleweed bouncing
from small room to small room
it doesn’t matter
every belly will be filled
every drink as well
my daughter is stalking my shadow
she is four and confident
she is telling me something
“Mom, I have a joke and it’s funny.”
I tell her I know
she stares daggers
which translates
to
“You say that all the time.”
there is music and chatter
spades and uno
there are folks eating dinner
and eating dessert
it’s family
this is what we do

she stands
four years old in her pretty dress
hands on her hip she clears throat no one
can hear her because no one is listening
she decides to wear her big girl voice
“ I have a joke, and it is funny.”
everyone pauses for the cause
some forks in mid air
a Boston derailed
she smiles speaks only
when she has everyone’s attention
“what has a hole and you screw it?”

you could hear the breath stilling
in the chests of every person in the room
I become petrified tree
stuck in spot hand fluttering to throat
my brother
bursts into laughter
my mother eyeball him to the kitchen
the younger children try to guess
the adults are in a state of terror
I exchange feverous eyes with
my now wasband

“what is it? come on, guess.
what has a hole and you screw it?”

no one guesses
no one breathes
no one moves
my brother is giggles away
from hyperventilating in the kitchen

“a light bulb!”

the relief flowed through the room
held breath released laughter ensued
my tree trunk legs go wobble
I plant myself in the nearest chair
she curtseys
then flounces
and that’s really the only word for it
stands in front of me striking a b-boy stance
“I told you it was funny”

I scoop her in my arms
make a promise in my head
to teach my baby how to tell a joke
that doesn’t cause mental heart attacks
we laugh together
my baby told her first joke
and after the trauma
it was pretty damn funny

Inconvenient Truths and Lies 2/30

Inconvenient Truths and Lies



Lie

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me

Lie

When we met , the first time I laid eyes on you,
I knew we were meant to be

Truth

The way your eyes slid across my skin
Like you never saw me
Because you never saw me
You just saw stages and marques
A name in an unforgiving light

Lie

My heart never molded to another's.
Never held pulse to throat.
Never held on for dear life, as you
Bent me perfect
Never happened

Truth

The way I said your forever
Sounded like a back handed compliment

Lie

The way you never doubted
as you doubted my fidelity
my forked tongue
my you are the only one for me mentality

So it is in fact
My fault
My eagerness to meet your needs
They way I anticipated your desires
And who the fuck makes reservations anymore
That way I gave you space
Never crowded you in
Trusted you at your word
Ignored our shiny brokenness
As we left parts of us in public places
Our impressions knifed into narrow minds


I'm so glad we never called this love (lie)

Never kissed it on the mouth (lie)

Never let the moon catch us bathing in her rays
All sweat and salt (lie)

Our skin never found our rhythms (lie)

And the light
Stayed off the entire time (lie)

We both knew that
Only those truly in love
Make love with the lights on (truth)

So aren't you relieved to know
This was not love (lie)


I am
Relieved (lie)

Satisfaction 1/30

I am sitting in a bar
formerly the Blue Frog
sounds poetic enough
I am being stood up
And maybe I should have expected this
first time on a date
this is new
old dog
stood up
blue

I Can't Get No Satisfaction
cranks through the sound system
and irony clashes with
this is so fucking sad
as I listen to the six women
sharing the patio with me
they
trash every man and women
they've ever been involved with
or friends with
associates with
or
maybe waved to on the street

these women are bitter and mean
I never want to be one of them
never want to let a drunken night of
I can't differentiate between pronouns
make me that angry, bitter
I was moving towards bitter
but not like this
maybe this is a teaching,
learning moment

I'm alone but not really
their voices
a needle scraping across a record
one they won't remember
when day breaks
you would think they were fighting
if you were here
but you are not
just me
alone, but not really
they are talking over each other
and it would be more entertaining
if I wasn't in my own head
writing this poem at their expense

Eric and Andrea
this is all they can talk about
the relationship they are currently
throwing under the bus
as they dissect what went wrong
how it's not a sexual thing
how tired they are
but they aren't
they are cutting and mean
rehashing and I get the feeling
that there is an underlying
thing
or theme
I only catch snatches but
they are so loud
so redundant
that if I ever had shit put back in
had a love child by a woman with talent
one who was here to witness this
whatever this is
our love child would wear
the names Andrea or Eric
I am not alone
I am alone
but
not for real

still no satisfaction here
Just voices
bitter
loud
louder
loudest
screaming
clearly one
or all of them have slept with
Andrea or Eric
and now they are a fucked up support group
for love thrown away by all of them
still wanted on a level
I don't want to become them


I can almost see the bottom
of my glass
so
soon
I will abandon the once frog
understanding why it is so blue
and if my new vibrator
lives up to its name
satisfaction
will be found
alone

National Poetry Month

I am going to update daily, for real this time. I have not been paying attention to my heart (heART)and this must change. Can't promise perfection, in fact I'm pretty sure most will be craptacular! I also keep promising to blog more often, that will happen as well!!

WOWPS 2012 Denver, Colorado

It is not as cold as I thought it would be and the flurries are light. I think the night time temps are going to be the business. It is so good to see everyone!

I drew 34, which means I compete late in the early bout and early in the late bout. We all like to land somewhere in the middle but that's an impossibility so we deal. I have managed already to demagnetized my room key. I got talent like that. I've been drinking so much water I'm going potty like every ten minutes. Going to be a problem tomorrow since that's my nervous tick thing. I figure if I pee on stage I brought it with me but the person after if they slip in it, then it's a prop. Hahahahaha

Sista Seuss: Video slam

Sista Seuss: Video slam

Video slam

It would be great if you could go vote for me here....

If multiple choice is an option pick "c"

She is praying for snow. I admire her faith but that shit is just not going to happen. It's interesting this will be the second Christmas Eve we've spent together, no closer to building, maybe further away from breaking. Time will tell. "What do the lonely do at Christmas" is playing in the background. Her jam, and I'm not sure what my role is now. I mean we are together? Should I be offended or not give a damn....questions? I won't ask.if I do there could be a fight or "disagreement" and I would like to get laid. So, tongue secured in cheek I will not comment. See, you can teach an old dog, or cougar, new tricks.

I packed poorly. There are no clothes in my bag. Toothbrush, socks, underwear, pj's, a bullet and batteries....what the fuck..oh, yes please! One track mind, yes that would be the track and look my mind just moving and hoping no one sees me wearing the same clothes I had on Friday on Sunday. Oops.

I finally decided on a title for my book. If you didn't know, I will be published by Sibling Rivalry Press may 2013. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. You should be too and then you should buy my book. The writing of the title poem is bringing up shit not sufficiently suppressed. Damn my brain. The poem will not look like itself when I'm done if I keep edit hacking it to pieces. So I'm going to let it simmer.

My best friend called. I invited her over. Cozy, fire in the fireplace, did I mention my girl is hoping for snow.? That shit better NOT happen. It was good. Everyone behaved an I was wearing pj's, glad she called first .. Hello!

Now we are going to watch a movie. We always try to watch a movie. Sometimes we finish, but I'm feeling frisky so..that may not happen...like the snow.

Happy holidays!!

11/30 Speak No Evil Especially If Its The Truth

(this will be a recurring theme, like therapy, i need it out of me)

I’ve been holding my tongue
Deep in the recesses of my cheeks
The words they hold could rock a world
Remove a stain
And set my spirit free

But freedom isn’t mine right now
I am locked in the gravitational pull
Of the pupils in my students eyes
I want to walk the walk with them
Until we are forced to walk in different directions

Don’t want to be the lair that said they’d be there then they weren’t

Don’t want to be the false prophet that said I got your back before you felt the blade

If I be the last vestige of truth in our world for just a little while longer
I’ll take the just a little while longer

Lace my words with metaphor and white truths
So faint they’ll barely recognize themselves

Hold to the shadows
Only let you see me in daylight

I have killed nothing beautiful here
So they cannot call me ugly

I have said nothing that is not true
But still they call me liar

So I will hold my tongue

The one that bites and stings
The one that tears down what disappoints
The one they will dress in slanders old clothes

I will hold it because my children need me

The ones who once called my womb home
And the ones on loan to me

I have your back
Even if my hands cover my mouth

10/30 For Lorraine

For Lorraine
(On the tenth anniversary of your absence)


I'd like to tell you that your wishes were granted
That the foundation you set is stable
And the seeds you broadcasted took root
In rich soil and grew tall reaching towards the future
I'd like to tell you all these things
But, they would be lies,
And lying is an art I've never mastered

If I were a liar
I suppose I could say that the adventure playground
Still thrives that the swimming pool and parking lot are only
Figments of our wilting imagination
I could say that the peace garden
Flourishes
The perennials are bright and bold
And the tiles painted and fired still boast the names
Of those who've passed and still shout hopes
For the future
Set in mortar by tiny hands
And their proud work stands in tack
Not in pieces

The buildings are not falling a part
And wildlife has not become
More important than the human minds
Who occupy that building
Where there was once a waterfall
In the library, that flowed for three whole years
That empowerment is still the bread we feed ourselves
And the children daily
We eat heartily
Our bellies filled with insight and inspiration

I would tell you that integrity is still paramount here
That doing what's right is not considered insubordination
That undermining and too many cooks in the kitchen
Is not the reality
That what is needed is always granted
And your ten-year
Hiatus has not left dreams destitute and malnourished
Because the foundation was set
And the right thing is always the right thing
Even though the right thing has not shown its face
Recently

I'd tell you that those who remember
Still look for you
Those who remember
Still look out of their windows some days
And see you twirling in the light rain
Hands open and raised to the heavens
Willing it to wash away and renew
And those who remember
Held on to the memories
Until they were yanked out from under us
In the form of lies and letters
Written by those who never knew you
Those who come after this may never know you existed

I would tell you
There was an award once in your honor
I won't tell you that they spelled your name wrong
I won't speak of coroners vans and HAZMAT teams
I won't discuss the disconnect
Or the drunken strong holds unsteady on their feet

I will tell you instead
That those you brought into the fold
Will remain as long as they can
Deflected as much as they can
And hold on to your ideas and philosophies
Despite the abridged versions
You can get on line
But never in the palm of your hand

I will tell you
That though we were not agreed in all things
We disagreed more often than not
I understood when you remarked that some people
Should not work with small children
This is why you didn't work with small children
Why you chose those who could put them in place
The main part still rings true
Some people should not work with small children

I will tell you
That I know you had no idea you would leave so soon
But if you had put your wishes on paper
Willed them to those left behind
Maybe I wouldn't have to recount the last ten years
To you with lies and half-truths
That become whole in the retelling

They don't remember you here
There in no room for what worked
But when I leave
And I am being forced to leave
So I will go, but,
I will remember and take the parts worth preserving

See in order for this new way to work
The old ways have to be removed
Democratically
Especially those who bark too loud
And bite too hard
I am loud, and my bite leaves marks
And

I believe you knew this day would come
I believe you tried to warn me
And the others

We are listening now

I'd like to tell you that
Things will be better when we, like you
Leave this place we tried to hold onto



I'd like to tell you all these things
But, they would be lies
And lying is an art I've never mastered

Messy

It's amazing the things people focus on. How people and institutions can so easily blame others for the state of their own houses. If you business, is your business, then it seems to me that you would handle your business. So many people stirring the same pot somethings sure to go wrong. I only hope that before it all goes bad you refocus on the mission. Understand that if you continue in this way, you will bring your own house down.
Sad really.

9/30 Carnival

What it was like before this
was confusing
like running through sand
walking on water
you misrepresented your intentions
put me on the back burner
left me simmering until I burned for you
you never wanted this
what you wanted was supplicant
I never was good at that
but you pushed and pulled me off course
you are something like a enigma
a puzzle
and I am good at those
but I am not good at you
we both know it
but we insist on trying to tug of war ourselves
into the present
I presented myself as what I was
you liked it
until you didn't
but it's what we knew
We knew what would happen
right here right now
what are you doing right now?
Not me because I'd notice
I can't pretend we weren't pretending
we seem to do that well and we will probably do it again
and again
we are merry-go-round love
circling each other like so many vultures
we are thick like thieves
and our bones hold more meat than most could handle
we handled each other
well,
now
let the scavengers feast