WOWPS 2012 Denver, Colorado

It is not as cold as I thought it would be and the flurries are light. I think the night time temps are going to be the business. It is so good to see everyone!

I drew 34, which means I compete late in the early bout and early in the late bout. We all like to land somewhere in the middle but that's an impossibility so we deal. I have managed already to demagnetized my room key. I got talent like that. I've been drinking so much water I'm going potty like every ten minutes. Going to be a problem tomorrow since that's my nervous tick thing. I figure if I pee on stage I brought it with me but the person after if they slip in it, then it's a prop. Hahahahaha

Sista Seuss: Video slam

Sista Seuss: Video slam

Video slam

It would be great if you could go vote for me here....

If multiple choice is an option pick "c"

She is praying for snow. I admire her faith but that shit is just not going to happen. It's interesting this will be the second Christmas Eve we've spent together, no closer to building, maybe further away from breaking. Time will tell. "What do the lonely do at Christmas" is playing in the background. Her jam, and I'm not sure what my role is now. I mean we are together? Should I be offended or not give a damn....questions? I won't ask.if I do there could be a fight or "disagreement" and I would like to get laid. So, tongue secured in cheek I will not comment. See, you can teach an old dog, or cougar, new tricks.

I packed poorly. There are no clothes in my bag. Toothbrush, socks, underwear, pj's, a bullet and batteries....what the fuck..oh, yes please! One track mind, yes that would be the track and look my mind just moving and hoping no one sees me wearing the same clothes I had on Friday on Sunday. Oops.

I finally decided on a title for my book. If you didn't know, I will be published by Sibling Rivalry Press may 2013. I'm pretty fucking excited about that. You should be too and then you should buy my book. The writing of the title poem is bringing up shit not sufficiently suppressed. Damn my brain. The poem will not look like itself when I'm done if I keep edit hacking it to pieces. So I'm going to let it simmer.

My best friend called. I invited her over. Cozy, fire in the fireplace, did I mention my girl is hoping for snow.? That shit better NOT happen. It was good. Everyone behaved an I was wearing pj's, glad she called first .. Hello!

Now we are going to watch a movie. We always try to watch a movie. Sometimes we finish, but I'm feeling frisky so..that may not happen...like the snow.

Happy holidays!!

11/30 Speak No Evil Especially If Its The Truth

(this will be a recurring theme, like therapy, i need it out of me)

I’ve been holding my tongue
Deep in the recesses of my cheeks
The words they hold could rock a world
Remove a stain
And set my spirit free

But freedom isn’t mine right now
I am locked in the gravitational pull
Of the pupils in my students eyes
I want to walk the walk with them
Until we are forced to walk in different directions

Don’t want to be the lair that said they’d be there then they weren’t

Don’t want to be the false prophet that said I got your back before you felt the blade

If I be the last vestige of truth in our world for just a little while longer
I’ll take the just a little while longer

Lace my words with metaphor and white truths
So faint they’ll barely recognize themselves

Hold to the shadows
Only let you see me in daylight

I have killed nothing beautiful here
So they cannot call me ugly

I have said nothing that is not true
But still they call me liar

So I will hold my tongue

The one that bites and stings
The one that tears down what disappoints
The one they will dress in slanders old clothes

I will hold it because my children need me

The ones who once called my womb home
And the ones on loan to me

I have your back
Even if my hands cover my mouth

10/30 For Lorraine

For Lorraine
(On the tenth anniversary of your absence)


I'd like to tell you that your wishes were granted
That the foundation you set is stable
And the seeds you broadcasted took root
In rich soil and grew tall reaching towards the future
I'd like to tell you all these things
But, they would be lies,
And lying is an art I've never mastered

If I were a liar
I suppose I could say that the adventure playground
Still thrives that the swimming pool and parking lot are only
Figments of our wilting imagination
I could say that the peace garden
Flourishes
The perennials are bright and bold
And the tiles painted and fired still boast the names
Of those who've passed and still shout hopes
For the future
Set in mortar by tiny hands
And their proud work stands in tack
Not in pieces

The buildings are not falling a part
And wildlife has not become
More important than the human minds
Who occupy that building
Where there was once a waterfall
In the library, that flowed for three whole years
That empowerment is still the bread we feed ourselves
And the children daily
We eat heartily
Our bellies filled with insight and inspiration

I would tell you that integrity is still paramount here
That doing what's right is not considered insubordination
That undermining and too many cooks in the kitchen
Is not the reality
That what is needed is always granted
And your ten-year
Hiatus has not left dreams destitute and malnourished
Because the foundation was set
And the right thing is always the right thing
Even though the right thing has not shown its face
Recently

I'd tell you that those who remember
Still look for you
Those who remember
Still look out of their windows some days
And see you twirling in the light rain
Hands open and raised to the heavens
Willing it to wash away and renew
And those who remember
Held on to the memories
Until they were yanked out from under us
In the form of lies and letters
Written by those who never knew you
Those who come after this may never know you existed

I would tell you
There was an award once in your honor
I won't tell you that they spelled your name wrong
I won't speak of coroners vans and HAZMAT teams
I won't discuss the disconnect
Or the drunken strong holds unsteady on their feet

I will tell you instead
That those you brought into the fold
Will remain as long as they can
Deflected as much as they can
And hold on to your ideas and philosophies
Despite the abridged versions
You can get on line
But never in the palm of your hand

I will tell you
That though we were not agreed in all things
We disagreed more often than not
I understood when you remarked that some people
Should not work with small children
This is why you didn't work with small children
Why you chose those who could put them in place
The main part still rings true
Some people should not work with small children

I will tell you
That I know you had no idea you would leave so soon
But if you had put your wishes on paper
Willed them to those left behind
Maybe I wouldn't have to recount the last ten years
To you with lies and half-truths
That become whole in the retelling

They don't remember you here
There in no room for what worked
But when I leave
And I am being forced to leave
So I will go, but,
I will remember and take the parts worth preserving

See in order for this new way to work
The old ways have to be removed
Democratically
Especially those who bark too loud
And bite too hard
I am loud, and my bite leaves marks
And

I believe you knew this day would come
I believe you tried to warn me
And the others

We are listening now

I'd like to tell you that
Things will be better when we, like you
Leave this place we tried to hold onto



I'd like to tell you all these things
But, they would be lies
And lying is an art I've never mastered

Messy

It's amazing the things people focus on. How people and institutions can so easily blame others for the state of their own houses. If you business, is your business, then it seems to me that you would handle your business. So many people stirring the same pot somethings sure to go wrong. I only hope that before it all goes bad you refocus on the mission. Understand that if you continue in this way, you will bring your own house down.
Sad really.

9/30 Carnival

What it was like before this
was confusing
like running through sand
walking on water
you misrepresented your intentions
put me on the back burner
left me simmering until I burned for you
you never wanted this
what you wanted was supplicant
I never was good at that
but you pushed and pulled me off course
you are something like a enigma
a puzzle
and I am good at those
but I am not good at you
we both know it
but we insist on trying to tug of war ourselves
into the present
I presented myself as what I was
you liked it
until you didn't
but it's what we knew
We knew what would happen
right here right now
what are you doing right now?
Not me because I'd notice
I can't pretend we weren't pretending
we seem to do that well and we will probably do it again
and again
we are merry-go-round love
circling each other like so many vultures
we are thick like thieves
and our bones hold more meat than most could handle
we handled each other
well,
now
let the scavengers feast

8/30 We Sing Because They Make Us

I do some of my best work in my head.
When the ideas hit I move sometimes in the middle of the night.
My charges ages 5-10 tolerate my moods.
The ebb the flow at my discretion.
They complain and they share, especially the shit you don't want to know.
I would never suggest mixing kindergartners with third grades,
but it couldn't be help and I am good at what I do. I called it a challenge.

I would make the experience move through music.
I can't sing but my assistant could.
So they would too.
They would sing because I would make them.

It was rough, but as the year came to a close
I wanted to go out with a bang!
Do something never done before.
The ideas stalled and left me blank.

Then BAM!
I got it!
We would form a band, record the songs and do a concert for their parents!!
The project flowed and the Horizons Harmonics was born!

I got us an interview at the community radio station and for an hour they talked to the kids and played our tape. A tour! We would have a tour! We performed at Mars Music in front of a confused crowd. The kindergarten twins thought we should be paid.

The day before the concert. I was a wreck. Told them there would be a reception.
Every parent donated food and one bought us a case of non-alcoholic champagne.
I go to bed. I have an epiphany at 1 in the morning. To the store graham crackers, gold spray paint and a hot glue gun. The cashier didn't ask. I didn't tell.

I spray painted the graham crackers gold, and hot glued them on to black mat board and scripted each child's name in gold paint.

When I presented them, parents cried and I was pronounced as THE SHIT!!!
Then I sold the tape to parents for 5 bucks a pop and the proceeds financed the end of the year trip.

Epic ideas don't come everyday, but when they do, you might find yourself spray painting graham crackers in the driveway at 3 am! Just go with it.

7/30 Imani

Imani


Your birth was more than memorable.
My first child, you would be the pure, the best of me.
You were late.

It was like you said, “I’ll be born when I want to!
Who are you and what do you want?
The apartment is paid for.
Thirty-six weeks is a suggestion,
I can stay longer if I want and I want!”

I went into labor with you at a play.
The 14th Street playhouse, the play,
It was great; grandma was involved, so you know it was great.

When the first twinges grabbed me, my mother
Let me know that pregnancy and childbirth was not like in the movies.
“Yes, you are having contractions
but it could take hours and
I am on a panel with Ruby Dee
and Ossie Davis so, hold tight.”

I held tight.

Red beans and rice, midnight. I couldn’t help myself.
They laughed. All of them.
Me clutching my stomach, your home, hobbling through the house.
When I got there, to the hospital, your doctor no where in sight.
It was supposed to be all Zen and well, Zen.
The nurses were tripping.
The stand in doctor an Asian man with the last name of Gonzales.
I laughed, you laughed later when I told the story,
I mean it was funny, despite the pain.

My mistake was yelling at the nurses.
Telling them how I heard about switching babies.
Checking your birthmarks and other distinguishing marks.
This could be why they left me in a hallway after
birth, freezing and damn near feverish.
Meanwhile they dressed you in ribbons and bows
showing your beautiful self to the other patients.

When I saw you.
My heart doubled back on its self.
You were so beautiful that secretly,
I hoped you looked like me.

Twenty – three years later.
You are making your way.
You always accepted the me ,
who is me,
no matter how uncomfortable I made everyone around us.
I don’t hold my tongue;
you know this and love me anyway.

I wish you the world.
All shiny and sharp and confusing.

You are my child, you got this,
you will work it the way it suits you.
I know that you know that I love you.
You can do no wrong in my eye.


Do the damn thing!

Make your mark!
Make me proud, like you already have!

My baby is in the world now.
The possibilities are endless!

Give them hell, take names and call me
so we can talk about the fall out.

Rock the world baby.
Because that’s what your momma intends to do.
Later, we will compare notes.
I rock, because you rocked me first.

Love,
Your Momma!

6/30 Pop Tart Love an erotic tale of hot damn!!!

Pop Tart Love an erotic tale of hot damn!!!


I put you in my mouth
Savored and exalted your praise
The way you fit
The way you teased
I thought I knew your name
Remembered you from a fling in the past
You’d changed your packaging
And once released from your holdings you
Took hold of me had your way with my taste buds

These children
They have now idea
They tell me you are gross
I tell them watch their mouths
They snicker
They stare
They are jealous
And they should be

The toaster is close but I wanted you raw
Wanted you in the palm of my hand
You wanted it too
And if you had a mouth I am sure you’d say it
But talk is cheap
And this coffee cup won’t fill itself
Right next to the toaster
I pop in your twin

These children
They are so........ them
They insist I’m going to burn you
Just because I burned something the day before
They know nothing of our relationship
And I am sure that if you had ears
You’d ignore them as well

You are so hot!
I can barely hold you
Burning the tips of my finger
My tongue
You are the shit!!!
And if you were a person
Had a face and a pulse
Some lips I could nibble
A chin would be nice
If you had feet or legs
Or a torso
Or arms
I imagine you’d hold me like I am holding you now
And if you had a gender
You could be the woman of my dreams
But in reality
You are a tickle to m fancy
A memory remembered

You are some damn good taste bud loving
And the best thing
Is that there are seven other pairs of you
Waiting for me
At home
You might be jealous
If you had feelings and a heart
And fingers so you could point them at me
Or flip me the bird
I promise
I will love your sisters
No less than I loved you

Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts
A love affair begins…
For a limited time
Or at least that’s what it said on the box!

4/30 Menopause, not the musical, but the rhyme-y rant

Menopause, not the musical, but the rhyme-y rant

This body is a temple
in the throws of global warming
the changes come without a warning
sweat on brows continuously forming
clothes are cloying insulation
they keep the heat hide the hearts loud palpitations
it is illegal to be naked in places open to the public
but there are times when I really contemplate wearing my birthday suit saying fuck it they tell me that it's early not full on pause
I say "What! It's gonna get worst?" then I calmly retract my claws
you're telling me we can put shit in space and gps my every move
but you can't come up with an internal ac unit that will cause my skin to cool
I swear to God every time I flash I lose memories and brain cell
but I am woman, I am stronger so I'll deal, what the hell
but I guarantee if this was a condition that was experienced by a man
they'd figure out a solution as fucking quick as they fucking can

I know I seem ill tempered and maybe a little hot
That's the point "I Am" I'm going through menopause...you're not!

Hands 3/30

Hands


It starts with a touch. One that excites and aggravates.
Smooth like lines on parchment. Searching for secrets
tucked between folds. My name in your mouth a breath held
spoken into the locks that circle my head. A crown.

I am a queen here. Locked in your embrace. Hold me to the light,
watch me shine and sparkle. Diamonds. Moans like music
we dance.

Slow at first. The momentum increases your eyes are glass.
We slide and shimmer. My mouth turns dirty. The words all
guttural and stain. I don't believe my own ears.

You ask me what I want. Pandora's box opens. Just enough to
let simple sins flow out in tangles of sheets and palms. We become
elastic. Stretching more than intentions. We bend like willows,
roll like waves. Crash and break.

Holding like notes. We are an opera. We are a memory in the making.
Shaking leaves we fall forever.

It started with a touch.

2/30 Rant

Loyalty is a myth here
Like truth and honesty
The words instill a kind of fear
Like accountability and suicide
Sanctioned by those who are to busy
Paying attention to things unimportant
Like sealing envelopes and coffee
Lies flow like steady smiles and shaking hands
Like you need to start something to start something
There was a time when the bottom line was safety and
A sense of peace
Now it's a time of questions like
Is it safe for children to play in chicken shit?
And does anyone know what integrity means?
And how far do you follow someone on the wrong path?
And if this is for everyone why isn't yours here?
The questions that will never be answered
Because nobody care except the ones that do
But they be labeled villain
because they hold the truth too close
Don't put that in your mouth
you don't know where that lie has been
We never asked your opinion
I mean we did but we didn't like what you said
So we'll just pretend it never happened
You never asked for that this is the first I've hear
Four faces flush
They recognize this lie
Hopes no one notices
But they do..back pedal
Change the topic
Shift the blame
Have a cookie
Were you drunk on that field trip?
What did the judge say?
Is the carpet clean?
Does it still smell like death?
Are you sure about that time?
Are you sure about that time?

November 30/30 #1

  Saturday Night Live
 
 
We often squatted there.
 
The bed just a queen but we all fit so it feels king sized.
 
Family time in the room with the biggest television
happened nearly every Saturday night.
 
Tonight, Michael Jackson and Diana Ross will be singing to us.
A special night. We get to stay up late.
 
My sister worries a loose tooth.
It is so loose that it moves whenever she takes a breath.
In and out it wiggles there like a threat.
 
My brothers play checkers on one edge of the bed.
The younger brother lives for the triple jump.
"King me!" he yells wanting everyone to know of his victory.
They've been playing all day.
He hasn't won a single game.
He wears hope like a Boy Scout badge.
His eyes are glazed, he will fall asleep before the game is over.
 
The boyfriend soon to be father begs the younger daughter
with the loose tooth to let him pull it out.
She screams like she is on fire.
 
The older daughter reads Tiger Beat magazine
waiting for her future husband Michael
to smile at her from the glow of the television screen.
Soon she will be old enough to marry.
He will see her and fall in love.
He will, as long as Diana is not around.
 
The older brother leaves the room for a potty break.
When he returns the younger brother has fallen asleep fingers on his king.
 
The younger daughter with the loose tooth has also fallen asleep.
The boyfriend soon to be father taps the older sister on the shoulder.
Places a finger across his lips, points at the sleeping girl.
He pulls the tooth so easily the girl never moves.
The older daughter, older brother, mom and boyfriend soon to be father
giggle behind their palms.
 
Michael and Diana are singing now.
The older daughter has tears in her eyes.
She wishes Diana would stop touching her one day husband.
 
The younger daughter stirs. She wakes.
She staggers to the bathroom for a potty break.
The toilet flushes she turns on the faucet to wash her hands.
She screams like she is on fire.
Grabs at her throat.
Says she swallowed her tooth and now the tooth fairy won't come
and she thinks she's going to die.
 
The younger brother jerks awake.
Fingers still clutched around the checkers.
He takes a triple jump.
Declares himself the winner and falls back asleep.
 
The boyfriend soon to be father grabs up the younger sister.
Shows her her tooth.
She smiles a shaky smile. Thanks god she is not going to die.
Demands to be tucked in for bed.
She doesn't want to piss the tooth fairy off by making her wait.
 
The older boy puts the checkers in the box. He puts the game away.
He wakes the younger brother. He will deposit him on the lower bunk
Before he climbs to the top.
 
The older daughter kisses Michael goodnight.
There are six posters of him on the walls of her bedroom.
His face is kissing level on each.
She sleeps with Tiger Beat under her pillow.
Thoughts of MJ dancing in her head.
 
The mother and the boyfriend soon to be father
tidy up and ready themselves to do what grown folks do in the dark.
The house is quiet again.
Another Saturday night put to bed.

in the future

You would think I'd be all freaked out about leaving, or being asked to leave, a job I have worked for over twenty years but I'm not. I have never been willing to jump through the hoops and ever since I received the email where I was told I was being insubordinate for taking a community issue to the community my view on this matter has become quite clear.

I was hired to empower children. You don't empower a child by not being completely honest with the child and the parents about the services you can or cannot provide. I have had to argue this issue with the powers that be and have been left in the past to think I was off? I think in my secret heart I kept hoping that the program would get back on track but at this point without a complete restructuring from the top down, it won't every get back on track.

Things are moving on though. I am finally back on track in my classroom. The weeks of disrespect and undermining are almost behind me. And my students finally get that,"why yes consequences exists and they exists for everyone." I hate that they had to go through that. It was most disturbing. The disruptor literally put his hands on everyone of them in an act of violence and were basically shown that they weren't important enough for something to be done about it. That is not cool and to add insult to injury he is still on campus. I am not at all surprised I mean the person in charge is the same person who told me, when one of his employees put her hands on my child, that I should get over it and let it go. I actually had to threaten to press charges and have her arrested on campus before anything was done. Fuckery. Right?

In my dreams, my last year was going to be all fun and no drama.....ooops. But I have seven months to to fill and I plan to fill it with fun.

My family has started a business. So even when I leave the classroom I will still be working in the arena of education. Very exciting times these are and I am so ready for it. Just imagine.....an environment where children's needs are met, no one dies, and no one with a DUI is driving them around town.... And there are no llamas and chickens and ducks..oh my!


Nirvana.

The damn of it all

I don't get it. I mean I know what it is to be hurt. I even know what it is to expect to be hurt. What I don't get is making something out of nothing then not being willing to adit that you are wrong. I am wrong a lot. I tell my students constantly don't be afraid to make mistakes, but then learn from them, and try not to make the same mistake twice and keep it pushing.

Now don't get me wrong I can be as self righteous as the next guy, but come on. When it comes down to it if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I will admit to it. Eating crow from time to time is a part of being human. Wrap that shit in bacon and add some sauce, call it dinner or a light snack and keep on going.

I'm not sure I can keep doing this on again off again bullshit. I'm not too keen on being called a liar to my face especially when being quite honest. She accuses me of cheating. I stopped cheating when I stopped getting married. I honestly don't have time to work in more extra, extra curricular activities and gave up one night stands many years ago.

I don't work well with insecure people, in relationships. I am not quiet or closeted and I get a lot of attention from other people. If you are thinking that I have slept with every person who greets me, hugs me, or tags me in a picture on Face Crack then you are doing too much and I'm good. But I am not that damn good even on my best day. I am not into conquests and respect women far too much to become a womanizing woman.I can appreciate that she has trust issues but I don't appreciate the attempt to make those issues mine.

The suck of it is that I was finally starting to relax the walls carefully placed to protect my heart and damn if they aren't flying up again. And part of me wonders if that is it. Is it easier to pursue someone who you think might reject you as opposed to someone who really might want to make a life with you? Do you destroy it so that you can tell yourself that it would have happened anyway?

Fuckery I tell you!

the jist of it

Today was their chance to impress me. They kinda dropped the ball on that one. They think they are so clever and charming when in actuality they are just rude as hell. As they have no sense of humor they mistake everything for humor. I had to explain to them that if they really thought that putting someone else down in order to get a chuckle from someone they barely like themselves was funny, they were wrong. It wasn't funny just sad. In a class full of difference and misfits, I am always shocked when they don't recognize that the way they treat people is the way thy were treated and they didn't find the receiving all that groovy. But boy do they dish it out. My next plan I think is to seee if they can take it. My money says they can't.

We celebrated National Talk Like a Pirate Day in our customary way a trip to Pirate Cove! Putt-putt golfing at it's best. So much water surrounds the pirate ship run a ground so many colorful balls were lost in the drink. The occasional cannon firing scared the he'll out of a few and my laughter wasn't wasted, or withheld. I giggled loudly! I expected them to lose their minds a bit on the course but still watched for their mean ways and found them.

We usually bombard the Steak and Shake, they were not ready. When I asked for a table for fifteen, I thought the waitresses head was going to spin. Took her over fifteen minutes to get herself together and get us a damn table. They were fine in the restaurant, mostly because I threatened the hell out of them. They made a mess. It was milkshake happy hour so we got a nice discount and our waitress got a big fat tip!

reality

My school year thus far has been a hot mess. So much so that I was forced to remove my rose tinted glasses. I know that the support from my administration has been less and less in the last ten years but even knowing this it still feels like a slap. I follow the rules and procedure but with all of my years experience with classroom management when there is no accountability eventually the sickness will trickle down and infect. I despise apathy. I despise even more than apathy undermining, and yet, I find myself caught in the muck and mire of both. I can't even be mad at the student, whose behavior was so far off the fucking chain, for taking advantage of the advantages given to him. If I could break all the rules, add some violence, and very scary behavior, get sent to the office and watch as nothing happened. I too, would feel the power in that and exploit it. Why not? I mean if folks are just giving power away, hell yes, I want mine. But this is not how you empower children, not in any productive way. And while it gave him a false sense of power it showed me how little administration respected me as a teacher, a woman and a human. I knew I'd learn the most in my last year.

So now I have to reign in the others who think that as long as they don't do what he did they can do whatever. Really? My in-house discipline will teach them otherwise. I will have my last year and enjoy it, and it will be the last thing I do in my current employment.

What happens next?
I have no Idea. But I am unafraid and excited to see myself on the other side.

Bad Theresa

I shall be back in the mix soon like real soon...