Thursday, August 27, 2009

a very bad love poem;-)

this is a possible submission to the bad love poem competition. you cant use profanity, dammit!! and you only win tickets for the Shakespeare Theater Company for "As You Like It"

so, judge if you must, i think it's kinda funny

you are the pop tart of my dreams
all chocolate and fruity filling
I get all choked up when I see
your frosting covered eyes
you move me like
like that little blue thing on X-men that can be anything
you are like that to me
I want, anything I need
you are the remote to my control
that flip in my flop
when I think about you baby
I just know I love you like
you know
not like this
but like
that thing that makes my heart
vibrate to the sounds
of our hearts beating together
but separately
In unison

when we are apart
my plan feels like its slipping
my minutes don’t roll over
and I want to sprint
so I can again be caught up in your verizon
you are the hello to my kitty
the pica to my chu


before our love blossomed
I was never in bloom
like I was sleepwalking through dreams
never rested like my spirit
an unruly poltergeist
haunted by the thought of never meeting you
but now I’ve met you
and am stuck to you like posted notes
there but not permanent
cause permanent means forever
and like that’s a long time
but I love you
you know like that
you are the jumbo to my shrimp
that yin in my yang
but you we need to use some lube before we do that
cause you know it could have the opposite effect

you are the power to my ranger
the pinky to my brain
the night in my rider
I just wanna bathe
in your sweet succulence
and have people asking me
"did you die!"
and I’ll respond
"why yes I did"
I was dying to be in love with you
the magazine subscription I never paid for
the restraining order I ignored
the authorities will never understand our connections
while we are connected
no DSL baby we went wi-fi
I think that the stars had you in mind
when they decided to shine
and now they’re jealous
because you baby,
outshine them all
cause you,
you are the pop tart of my dreams
even when i'm awake

Sunday, August 23, 2009

a brief history

it's very interesting this thing going on with me. i know dreams come true , hopes and wishes are achieved or granted, and the poems i write about me are truth based but i've never had a poem come true until now. it's funny how life drags you along by the collar as we stumble through it. i have stumbled through a lot. i made so many bad decisions in my youth it's a wonder i have two sane braincells to rub together let alone think forward with. i submerged myself in self-denial in baby steps, and still managed to dig myself pretty deep. like in most stories of high drama, courage, slap stick and romance, it started with a girl.

this girl has been discussed at length. the topic covered by layers of really excellent poems and some really crappy ones. and even though i know Rodger probably doesn't remember, i mean why would he, but his workshop was the beginning of the excavation of my inner self. not only did it change what i write but how i write. the layer removed then i think was vulnerability. i was afraid to appear so before that workshop and then because i do nothing half way i fell into it.

the first time i cried in front of my children, ever, they thought i was dying. they panicked and cried inconsolably and i realized how much i cheated them out of. they cried and their world didn't end and they couldn't wrap their minds around the fact that yes i was crying their world was still in tact. if you've asked me back then if i thought i was emotional aloof with my children i would have called you, many names none of which would have been nice. in my relationships romantic or sexual with other people i knew i was distant, never sharing more than i wanted, never opening my heart completely. cause the last time i did that i fucked myself over.

so, full forward long ass story short girl meets girl, girl falls in love with girl, then girl denies her love for girl because to do so would make her gay and she is not. girl panics seduces a stupid boy, breaks him beautifully has a deep sense of guilt so when dumb boy asks her to marry him she says nothing so her mother accepts for her, then girl seeks THE GIRL out spends a weekend where i am sure new worlds are formed then tells girl, no they aren't getting back together because she's getting married to stupid boy, girl goes into a kinda rage and says she's done. then girl gets married, girl gets pregnant, girl gets divorce, girl has baby, girl meets another guy girl gets pregnant, then again, then girl gets divorced, falls out of a closet, has been secretly trying to find girl for all those years, takes a workshop, writes a poem, then girl goes on face book does random search like the other countless random searches she's done for years and she finds girl.

reconnecting with her has been very interesting. i don't think it will end up being some amazing reconnecting love affair but it will be something. the lightness i feel is very new. like i've been holding all of this in my shoulder and they have finally released after twenty years of holding them tight. i finally feel free.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Lesson Learned

I’ve been holding my breath for so long
the exhale makes me high
then I sober
wipe the condensation from my eyes
things are never as clear as they seem
never as close as you want them to be
the saddest light
is sunset
when you realize that everything precious
can slip from the hinges where you hung them
haphazard and in a hurry
we rush through
pass the beauty
before our own eyes
unable to stop the flow
or even
recover from it
waking with the slowly rising sun
I felt the earth turn beneath my feet
knew simple was better
I sought it out
I never pictured myself wild
even when I threw things
threw them away
believing if they were meant to be with me
they would return
if only life were that simple

it seems life could be that simple

I’ve been listening to the chaos of my heartbeat
for more moons than I can count
and still
there is a flutter in my chest
one that quiets the noise
if I take the time to listen
like the way I once listened
to the vibration of my name on lips
I wanted to hang around my neck
a talisman
a reminder
of what not to over look
my vision
is blurry
it takes time now to understand
the colors on my walls

define kismet

define forward

words I know well but shadow me
have me checking rear view mirrors that don’t exist
this haunted alienation
like dying amidst spectacular geography
the amethyst bruising around my heart
reminding me
I love the color purple
I loved they way I looked wrapped in your skin
and maybe it was not an illusion

lips peeled back in a ridiculous grin
I peer at my past
the photos not quiet yellowed
but the melancholy feeling
surging through me
wreaks of jaundice
no longer reluctant

I’ve been holding my breath for so long
but now I can see that space beyond fear
lungs relaxed
my breathing
is fine

Sunday, August 16, 2009

for Suk Maya

Number 132
a rant (rough)

when you force fed her the bumper of your car
did you know her rag doll six year old body
wouldn’t arrive to her first day of school
to the first day of her better life
that she’d never learn the language
so she could tell the story in baby glory
about the American in such a hurry
her life got in his way
so he Lincoln Navigated her out of it
only in America for twelve days
refugee camp born
exiled from a country who never knew her
but wanted her ethnically cleansed
penniless and baby-faced human
her slight frame didn’t stand a chance

I wish you nightmares in a language you don’t understand
clinging to bumpers to keep yourself upright
eyes wide and expectant so you can see it coming
I wish you more than misdemeanors
more than blunt force trauma, head injuries
and murder in two languages
will our justice system recognize the damage you have done
or will they slap you on the proverbial wrist
give you twelve months in exchange for her twelve days

will you have a moment of reckoning
see her face plastered on eyelids as she haunts your dreams
will you learn a few words in Nepali
recite the name Suk Maya slowly
offer an apology to her in her tongue daily
will you decide you’ll never get behind the wheel of a car again
spare the others your navigator terror


are you out for a spin right now
speeding to another destination

good thing there’s no school today