Sunday, March 31, 2013

1/30 The Problem With Giving Yourself a Pep Talk...

Rough Rant

the problem with giving yourself a pep talk
is that half way through the conversation
you begin to believe it’s all bullshit
like heard it all before
going to change your ways
quit repeating past mistakes
you are not insane
got a bead on the problem
it’s not you it’s them
it’s not over it’s just beginning
and you are mad because all around you is madness
and when they call you paranoid
you punch first and often
aim for their lying throat
because you see what you see despite the spin
the media machine and all the slant
the mass amnesia of forgotten home

and for the life of you
you can't understand
why they are holding their tongues
while yours is flapping flag and no one salutes
you feel the distortion, the rage
it bubbles fist clinched raised
they call you feminist and defensive like that’s a bad thing
when you tell them to go fuck themselves they
blame your disposition on PMS
then you remember where you live
how in this place your kind is just vessel
you are female
some see that as rape-able
you remember that talk you had with that cop
the cop who watched as a man let the air out of your tires
then lay in wait for your retuen dark night
that cop who waited and watched
as would be predator ran in terror because
he picked the wrong chick
on the wrong day
the chick who kicks and screams
when she know the tires are brand new
that chick who punches brick walls in an empty parking lots
smacked her chest and says what the fuck are you looking at
in the direction of his fleeing shadow
how he that cop sat and watched
and if it had been another day
and you were not that chick all spit fire and pissed
all brand new tire confident
distracted by the calm
he, that cop might have watched you victim,
robbed woman
later explaining to you
that how you were dressed made you made
dressing like some long haired sexy pirate
men find that attractive tone down your attractive
dress differently girl
know your geography where you live
remember they are men they can't help what they do
remember weak ass Adam
remember the fruit
remember you are fruit
soft skin and sweet
ripe for the picking
pick you up off floor
off dirt road
off asphalt in well-lit parking lot
drag you across town
drag you across Ohio
on and off buses
piss on your skin
why you wearing your skin
look how you wearing that skin
it’s so tight that skin
the way it clings to all your parts
they can see you parts underneath all that skin
you know some men find skin sexy
why you out here wearing all that skin
you fruit
you woman
you asking to be peeled back and tasted
don't you know you are fruit and they don't
want you to own your tree
remember where you live
that you are female just like your daughters
it’s not you it’s them
it’s not over it’s just beginning
the problem with giving your daughters a pep talk
is that half way through the conversation
you begin to fear that they will believe it’s all bullshit
so you dig your roots in deeper
stand firm in your own tree
make them understand this is real

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Been There Done That Twice! It's Your Turn!

The smell of change is in the air. Well, there is a smell and it might be change but the stench of intolerance is still pretty stinky. Lately I feel a bit overwhelmed by all of the symptoms of bigger problems. A totally different topic. Next post!

As a woman who has been married, twice, to men, twice and divorced, twice, for a while I was very convinced that marriage in any form was a kinda shiny enslavement. I got the ring and the kids but, I also got the mixed messages and the infidelity and a host of other things that could have been avoided had we just agreed to live in separate houses with conjugal visits and attempt to maintain some level of respect for each other. As I continue to mature, a little more each day, I realize that the idea of spending my life with someone who shares some of the same interests but still wants a level of independence appeals to me. Not in a "til death do us part" kind of way but in the, we are together when we agree to be together, you know, kind of way. Then we go to our personal spaces regroup come together, literally due to the conjugal, and support each other. I figure if we commit to each other you to me, me to you, then we are good. If you decide, or I decide that we like the topiary in another yard, respectfully we agree to go in different directions. Cut the dog in half, calender up the children and the like. Ha!!

No matter how you go about it when emotions are involved feelings will be hurt and even if it ends well, it's still an ending. My two marriages were two thing that should have never happened. Not because I wasn't in love, wait that first one was karma reminding me she knew my face, the second one? Yes, there was love in the second one!! Any way, I was very clear with both men when we were fucking, I mean dating? That I was very much against public proposals. Long fucking conversations about it, more than a few times. Both of these men proposed to me publicly, which should have been my clue that things would not end well. That simple act was the beginning of not respecting my wishes, my decisions or my feelings. I never said yes out loud to either of the proposals. I just watched as my family and friends "oooed" and "ahhhed" feeling and thinking, "No this motherfucker did not just do this!" But in the end there were dresses and rings and brooms to jump. It was also the beginning of me holding my tongue. In holding my tongue, I also stuffed my emotions and as a result, this woman who has to be reminded to eat on a daily basis went from a size 9 to 26. The day I spoke of my emancipation, it was like my first words and rebirth. A few months later without changing anything except my proximity to my future ex-husband I lost 150 pounds.

I know this doesn't sound like a "Yeah let's all get married" story or other happy shyt but, well there you have it.

I am now a very queer lesbian, and relationships with women are, and I din't think it was possible, more complicated than with men. I have met a few women I could see me spending lots of time with though I don't see me married again. But like I said, I am maturing a little more each day and I am a woman, I can change my mind if I fucking want to!!! I did once have a woman who lived in a closet elude to the possibility of marriage, but I figure if I came out of a closet why would I voluntarily go back into one? It's dark in there and there could be spiders. I think if someone wants to hitch there heart to another, "Until death do them part", no one, no government, should stand in the way of that.