Sunday, January 22, 2006

It' All Good

I have had a great week!
Makes me happy!
Not grinning like an idiot happy, but grinning on the inside like an idiot happy.
There is a difference. One's sexier somehow. My week was full of words. From the insanity of my class to opening for Peaches at the 14th St. Playhouse. The show was amazing. The singing soulful and the dialogue pure poetry. This was an opportunity to perform infront of a whole new kind of crowd. I edited my poetry. At first, I thought,"Hell, fucking no I will not censor myself! I'm a fucking artist and I'm sensitive 'bout my shit!" Then I thought about how cool it would be to be able to open up my audience to young people in a way that right now I can only do with college folk. The response....amazing. I perform mostly to the choir. Know what I mean your at a reading and 90% of the audience are poets. These were normal people. Yes, I know the implication and don't be offended. I don't mean normal in the way we all eat and poop and put our shoes on one foot at a time. In that way we are all normal. I mean normal in the sense that they may not feel naked without a pen. They may not have a cacophony of words bombarding their every waking moment. They possibly don't recite poetry in their dreams. They don't dream in subtitles.
They were all about Rainbows and Butterflies.
Some said it was a hopeful poem for them.
Three folks want me to come and speak at their schools and churches. Weary of the church gig, last time I did one of those someone took all my merchandise (stole is the right word but I want to prolong my damnation as long as I possibly can).
Tonight when I stepped out on stage my name was shouted back at me and it threw me just a little bit.
I wondered the entire time,"Who the hell was that?"
I have been a teacher for coming up on 16 years.
My name being shouted by the parent of a child I taught in 2nd and 3rd grade, shrank my universe just a bit and they wore faces of pride. I recognized it. It was the same face I wore when their young man got an A on a spelling test or rocked my world with a science project. They kept saying to folks walking by the " This is my son's teacher", present tense. Although the young man is 19 years old now. We all want to feel like we accomplish things. Doesn't have to be big. Watching them, listening to them they were saying I was a good teacher in and out of the classroom. Took my breath away. It's not validation I'm looking for it's recognition. Not a billboard, or a parade in recognition. But a word. "You are passionate about everything you do, Patrick was lucky to have you for a teacher." I welled up gave them both a hug and excused myself. Pushed to tears that I wouldn't let flow there. Ruin a perfect teacher moment. We don't get them all the time. 14 years after the fact, to be remembered. Still full on it. I couldn't go to Java. All of a sudden my sails went slack. Cleaning the house, listening to Shark Boy and Lava Girl on the television as my son struggles for consciousness. He'll be out in no time. Inhaling the sent of fried hair, my daughter and he flat iron. Tomorrow I'll pretend not to see the place where she burned her forehead. A glass of wine. I won the poetry slam on Saturday. I wore a skirt. Went to a party. Made out with a couple folks. Mom left for Venezuela today. Tia returns from Baltimore tonight. Life is good.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Mad In America

God is mad at America!
Has everybody lost their mind!
Why would God waste his time being mad at America!
This kind of statement proves people don't read or understand their own books or rhetoric!
This all knowing being who knows your heart and spirit...Doesn't know that you are a collective fuck up!
Mine does...I guess that means my God is more powerful than yours!
And how petty! If God was really mad at America he would have smitted the lot when we let shrubbery become president before women! I mean what did he say," How dare those people down their be walking around, breathing, and living! KATRINA! I got a little job for you!"
I mean really!
So I suppose he was mad at Asia and sent that Tsunami and earthquake!
Mad at Iraq sent us to bomb them for him!
Mad at religion so he sent Pat Robertson!
Your God is way more angry than mine!
Besides, God delligate destruction to Mother Nature! She's the one you need to be trying to please! She's the one who's pissed! Which is way more mad than mad!
Don't get it twisted!
And don't fuck with Mother Nature!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Where is the neighbor in the hood?

Last night assholes again broke into my friends house.
I can't imagine the violation she must feel.
Makes me think of neighbors and communities and the old days when you needed something folks rallied and saw that you were taken care of.
When I was a child I remember in the streets of St. Louis, when strangers walked our block, everybody noticed.
The woman and her son who lived down the street left home in a rush forgetting to close the door. Returning home to find nothing missing, because the neighbors had each other's back.
Friday nights on the block would find every child playing a neighborhood game of hide n seek, kick the can, and double dutch.
We've traded in the neighborhood for sprawl.
We have given up on each other for the convenience of a fucking Starbucks and some fake ass smiley face who rolls back prices while he, she, they, it rolls over and completely destroys the concept of neighborhood, neighbor, and neighborly consideration.
When I was a child I knew all my neighbors.
When I got in trouble down the street old Miss Hanna ( who is quicker than she looked) chased me down the street smacking me upside the head with a rolled up paper. Sat on my porch and waited so she could be the first to tell my mother.
Watched smiling on as legs got swatted or if god forbid I had to go pick the switch that would beat my ass.
The ultimate test, too big a switch and damn,
too small and damn.
Those days were golden.
Those days are gone.
My children have never played neighborhood games, a community rights of passage denied.
Because in this world today we are far more concerned with how much we have or how quickly we can take it from someone else.
We've had to trade in or neighbor down the street for an alarm system to protect us from our neighbor down the street.
No one sees anything, anymore,
no one hears anything.
Windows broken,
secure feelings shattered,
no one comes to help,
and the cops don't even want to dust for fingerprints.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The results are sort of in

So, I am not dying.
I'm sure that disappoints some but makes others grin.
They do however want to do a butt load of tests.
I know I'm a teacher and all, but just between me and you....I hate tests. Of any kind
I especially hate the kind where bodily fluids are collected in syringes, tubie things, or cups.
Did you know that the symptoms of hypertension well a few of then however closely resemble this other thing I have.
But on the bright side,
I now, know why I can't remember shit,
why the flashes are HOT,
the heart palpatations have nothing to do with lust.
Thank god nothing has dried up.
My doctor is cool...for a guy.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Body Betrayal

What a week!
Java Monkey tonight was incredible!
I feel so out of the loop and loopy!
Rupert scared the shit out of me when he fell on the stage as a part of his performance, then almost made me pee my pants. It has been so long it seems since I felt so engaged and inspired by all the voices I heard...Except mine. Damn my brain that keeps rearranging my poetry. I can't remember shit. I royally messed up both pieces, but I am determined to do it right.
My body is going through some changes.
I knew it was going to happen soon, but still not prepared for soon to be now.
I have been sleeping shitty waking in panicked sweats.
I thought maybe I had the heat up to high.
Moved my bed from over the vents.
And still for the past few nights still waking drenched and heart racing like I was running from something, someone?
Then I fucked up.
At Targe, Target for the uncultured;-), I got the bright idea to check my blood pressure.
I have never seen numbers so high.
Freaked myself out...Completely.
That night I was scared to sleep fearing I'd have a heart attack or stroke.
Still sweating like a fiend.
Then I remembered the surgery.
And then I remembered the side effects from said surgery.
So now I think I have a wicked combo of early menopause with a sprinkling of high blood pressure.
Doctor visit tomorrow!
If I can scare Kaiser into giving me an appointment because I'm scared.
I started this blog last year as I recovered from my surgery. Bored on my couch. It's almost a year to the date of the pre- op that lead to the surgery.
Changes are scary and with some of the changes I am making
or having to make,
really wanting to make because I don't want to die will no doubt make me scary.
Down from almost a pack a day to two today.
None tomorrow and there after.
Let the cranky begin.
And remember, I don't bite... Unless you're into that kinda thing.

Friday, January 06, 2006

The L Word Premier

It's new for me to go to a function like this without my friends. Who are all lame and could not come for some strange reason. I mean so what you just had a baby! Women working in fields have babies and pick them up and keep on keeping on! So what your girlfriend wants to spend some quality time with you....That's what tomorrow is for! Just joking....kinda....well, not really. But probably a little bit.
The Wet Bar is an interesting space. I will have to go there again when it is not quite so packed. The bartenders have no soul. The fix wimpy-ass girlie drinks.
I love you TASHA!
Only Tasha can mix a drink where you have to have an extra shot of whatever juice is in your drink to make it okay. Did I mention that I love Tasha!
The episode was funny. Alice is now a drug addicted stalker...didn't see that one coming.
They gave away promotional items away like hats and shirts. I was only half paying attention. I don't like wrestling for merchandise normally. All I saw was something flying at me so instinctively I reached out to catch it before it hit me in the face. It was a cute little L Word canvas hat....ahhhhh.
Then 6-8 women fell on me for it!
Grabbing and pulling!
I am very snagable...long rope-like hair and all,
plus I am old,
and it was a canvas hat, not leather.
I could have been trampled by lesbians for a damn canvas hat!
My only response was, " Now I didn't just get knocked over by a bevy of lesbians. Ya'll broke my fucking wimpy ass drink! I could have slipped a disk! You really want this that bad?
One or to said yes.
Right, like I was going to give it to her when she made The L Word premier a contact sport.
Now that I think about it it is a somewhat contact sport!
Doria played a couple song. She is incredible!
And she remembered me!
All in all it was a good night. I even had some folks ask for my autograph on my Poetic Heart page. That almost made up for the potential concussion and slipped disk..........
Honestly that totally made up for being trampled by lesbians.
I mean if I had to get trampled by a group of people.........

Sunday, January 01, 2006

happy new year

happy new year!
i have had one strange day.
last night was amazing!
naked pagan and uncensored was awsome.
i did not commit to the naked part cause it was fucking cold in that theater and last thing i need is to have a nipple snatched of by one of my beaded dreads. i had on a skirt and it's been years since i've done that so i feel like we are even. i drank way less than i usually do but the champange wine combination did strange things to me. i woke this morning and have no idea how i got home. i remember telling folks i was leaving ...then i woke up.
i half think someone slipped me a mickey.
the car was parked perfectly i put on pj's the whole nine. can't remember any of it. maybe i'm just old and i'm going to start developing gaps in my memory.

i saw my new godson today.
he's a sweetie!
i annoyed him into a comatose sleep.
i was told he literally popped out landing at the foot of the bed.
thank god for umbillical cords. she was just about to break down and say fuck it to natural child birth. as they were about to do the epidural ,which is a shot in your spinal cord that leaves you numb from the waist down for up to four hours , when the baby hit the panic button and ejected himself out.
that's right baby say no to drugs!