Tuesday, January 18, 2011
amnesia
yeah, i don't have it. sadly i remember way more than i care to and i have no desire to delete details for the sakes of others. i have made plenty mistakes let words leak from my face without thinking and i own that. i don't pretend it never happened and i don't gloss over deals made big because of my actions. so i always find it interesting when folks try to do that with me. i mean i guess i get it, cart before the heart and all, but if i don't go with it...then what?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
On the Tooth Fairy and Other Highly Sensitive Subjects
This is an article I wrote for a school publication back in the 90’s.
as i am a terrible typist... there are errors;-)
On the Tooth Fairy and Other Highly Sensitive Subjects
While working with the young minds of the future some of their questions have filled me with hope. Other comments have scared me to death. Watching them imitate life, assume ideas, change their minds, wet their pants make friends and pick their noses has changed the way I see some things.
Many issues are raised and questions asked about the mysteries and wonders of life in my classroom. Deep profound questions like “Why does poop stink?” That was an easy one, and I was glad to answer it. I grossed them out so bad the question didn’t reappear for many years.
Occasionally, I get that one question that I know the answer to, but to answer would lead to other uncomfortable questions that maybe a parent should answer like: “Where do babies come from?” fortunately for me I have been blessed to have in my classroom that one child, who while is much younger than I, has lived and knows everything.
“Where do babies come from? You don’t know that?” This is the usual first response, which usually gets a “Yeah,” or “Please, I knew that since I was four” comment. The asker of the question still waits for an answer, while the know-it-all decides whether he or she is too learned to answer such juvenile questions. After all he or she is a second grader and could be to busy to deal with such drivel. I fade into the background to hear their theories of the world.
One year when this particular question came up they came close to the right answer. Someone knew there was an egg. While I squirmed in my seat hoping and praying they wouldn’t ask me where it was, the know-it-all of that year went on to say, “When the menstruation doesn’t happen, the egg is laid.” Her hand on what would one day be a hip.
I giggled mostly in fear, because I had no idea what would come out of her mouth next. “The mommy doesn’t have a menstruation for a lot of months, I think it’s like thirty-six, then she goes to the doctor and has her baby.” A little off but very well done I thought to myself hoping again the ball wouldn’t land in my court. “My mom says you can take it back if it’s not the right one.” Another student says and before I can interject the little miss know-it-all pipes in, “Your mother lied to you!”
Listening carefully I realize the proverbial cat is about to be let out of the bag.
“She did not! My mother doesn’t lie to me!” he shouts back at her.
“Please.” Preached Little Miss Know-It-All, “Adults lie to children all the time. Lie telling you if you eat your vegetables you’ll grow up big and strong, when all the vegetarians I know are skinny and scrawny. Like when they say the shot won’t hurt? It does!”
She paused, and I thought now would be a good time to go outside for some fresh air, but she wasn’t finished. “I bet you still believe in Santa Clause, don’t you?” Faces throughout the room looked shocked and shattered.
I stood up and spoke, “People have a right to believe what they believe, respect and don’t mess with that.” A sigh of relief seemed to flow through the room. That’s when I realized that I have exposed myself, and watching Little Miss Know-It-All, I see that she sees it too. I am now standing on that spot some of us don’t like to be standing on.
“Have you ever lied to you children Mrs. Theresa?”
I broke out in a small, but not to obvious sweat. “About what?” I recovered, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet.
“Do your children think that there is a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy?”
My eyes widened as I prepared to be exposed like all of the other parents who were not there to witness our demise at the hands of a seven, I mean seven-and-a-half year old. Just as I was about to respond, not exactly sure of what I was going to say. My daughter, who had been sitting quietly, spoke up.
“My mother doesn’t lie to us! We don’t celebrate Christmas we celebrate Kwanzaa our ancestors bring us gifts. And if I am sitting there dying eggs, why would I believe a big rabbit brings them to me?”
A series of, “Yeah! See you don’t know everything rises from the crowd of second and third graders.
“Line up.” I say sending the class scrambling to be the first in line to go outside. Little Miss Know-It-All turned to look at me, her head cocked to the side, then turned to my daughter and said, “What about the Tooth Fairy?”
The hairs on the back of my neck did a dance. My daughter stood up, looked her right in the eyes and said, “When I lose a tooth, my mom puts it in an envelope, and the next day I have two dollars. Of course I believe in the Tooth Fairy!” Then she bounced away to line up with her friends.
Just then I felt a tug on my jacket. A very reassured Little Miss Know-It-All wearing an evil little grin looked at me and said, “I told you. Adults lie to children.”
as i am a terrible typist... there are errors;-)
On the Tooth Fairy and Other Highly Sensitive Subjects
While working with the young minds of the future some of their questions have filled me with hope. Other comments have scared me to death. Watching them imitate life, assume ideas, change their minds, wet their pants make friends and pick their noses has changed the way I see some things.
Many issues are raised and questions asked about the mysteries and wonders of life in my classroom. Deep profound questions like “Why does poop stink?” That was an easy one, and I was glad to answer it. I grossed them out so bad the question didn’t reappear for many years.
Occasionally, I get that one question that I know the answer to, but to answer would lead to other uncomfortable questions that maybe a parent should answer like: “Where do babies come from?” fortunately for me I have been blessed to have in my classroom that one child, who while is much younger than I, has lived and knows everything.
“Where do babies come from? You don’t know that?” This is the usual first response, which usually gets a “Yeah,” or “Please, I knew that since I was four” comment. The asker of the question still waits for an answer, while the know-it-all decides whether he or she is too learned to answer such juvenile questions. After all he or she is a second grader and could be to busy to deal with such drivel. I fade into the background to hear their theories of the world.
One year when this particular question came up they came close to the right answer. Someone knew there was an egg. While I squirmed in my seat hoping and praying they wouldn’t ask me where it was, the know-it-all of that year went on to say, “When the menstruation doesn’t happen, the egg is laid.” Her hand on what would one day be a hip.
I giggled mostly in fear, because I had no idea what would come out of her mouth next. “The mommy doesn’t have a menstruation for a lot of months, I think it’s like thirty-six, then she goes to the doctor and has her baby.” A little off but very well done I thought to myself hoping again the ball wouldn’t land in my court. “My mom says you can take it back if it’s not the right one.” Another student says and before I can interject the little miss know-it-all pipes in, “Your mother lied to you!”
Listening carefully I realize the proverbial cat is about to be let out of the bag.
“She did not! My mother doesn’t lie to me!” he shouts back at her.
“Please.” Preached Little Miss Know-It-All, “Adults lie to children all the time. Lie telling you if you eat your vegetables you’ll grow up big and strong, when all the vegetarians I know are skinny and scrawny. Like when they say the shot won’t hurt? It does!”
She paused, and I thought now would be a good time to go outside for some fresh air, but she wasn’t finished. “I bet you still believe in Santa Clause, don’t you?” Faces throughout the room looked shocked and shattered.
I stood up and spoke, “People have a right to believe what they believe, respect and don’t mess with that.” A sigh of relief seemed to flow through the room. That’s when I realized that I have exposed myself, and watching Little Miss Know-It-All, I see that she sees it too. I am now standing on that spot some of us don’t like to be standing on.
“Have you ever lied to you children Mrs. Theresa?”
I broke out in a small, but not to obvious sweat. “About what?” I recovered, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet.
“Do your children think that there is a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy?”
My eyes widened as I prepared to be exposed like all of the other parents who were not there to witness our demise at the hands of a seven, I mean seven-and-a-half year old. Just as I was about to respond, not exactly sure of what I was going to say. My daughter, who had been sitting quietly, spoke up.
“My mother doesn’t lie to us! We don’t celebrate Christmas we celebrate Kwanzaa our ancestors bring us gifts. And if I am sitting there dying eggs, why would I believe a big rabbit brings them to me?”
A series of, “Yeah! See you don’t know everything rises from the crowd of second and third graders.
“Line up.” I say sending the class scrambling to be the first in line to go outside. Little Miss Know-It-All turned to look at me, her head cocked to the side, then turned to my daughter and said, “What about the Tooth Fairy?”
The hairs on the back of my neck did a dance. My daughter stood up, looked her right in the eyes and said, “When I lose a tooth, my mom puts it in an envelope, and the next day I have two dollars. Of course I believe in the Tooth Fairy!” Then she bounced away to line up with her friends.
Just then I felt a tug on my jacket. A very reassured Little Miss Know-It-All wearing an evil little grin looked at me and said, “I told you. Adults lie to children.”
Sunday, January 09, 2011
a note to would be wanna be superheroes
I get it. I mean we all have had those moments when we imagine ourselves hero and sometimes dare I say superhero. In fantasy world it’s great! We have super speed, we can pick shit up that’s ridiculously heavy and toss it like so much salad, but in reality world, we know this is not the case. I mean, we do know this? Don’t we?
Every year in my classroom I do a unit on superheroes. We discuss character traits, strengths, weakness and the difference between hero and superhero. We acknowledge the heroes in our lives our communities. Firefighters, police officers, the neighborhood crack head that doesn’t let anyone fuck with you. Citizens who protect and serve not looking for praise or celebrity. Who also go through training and know exactly how to carry out their jobs without endangering themselves or other, possibly with the exception of the crack head.
So like, you know how in pretend land, the hero, because in pretend land unless you have a super power like flying, melting shit with your eyes or sense tingling you were a hero or a vigilante. Vigilantes are those dudes or chicks that take shit into their own hands when no one asked them too. clearing throat
ANY WHO, in pretend land have you ever seen, oh I don’t know, Spiderman or Batman do an interview on, SAY, Good Morning America or the Today show? No, No you don’t! And do you know why? Because it’s a fucking secret! Yes they run around in garish costumes with shiny gadgets but that shit is on the low, because just like there are those guys that wanna do good there are those who have no problem running a train on good. So when you go on television and tell people how you used to do this at your last job but folks felt some kind of way, you are telling folks who you are. The point of a secret identity is…it’s supposed to stay secret??? Keep up!!
So in for real world American’s are slipping further and further from reality so I can see how you can mix up pretend and real world from time to time. But in the real world when you get shot no stunt real life dude guy takes the bullet for you. And if you don’t have super powers you are not a super hero. Movies aren’t real and neither is television, sometimes even the news. I know (rubbing your back), it is it’s a hard pill to swallow and I really hope you don’t end up dead because you went public like a dumb ass.
In teaching my Superhero Unit (hands on hips, profile looking fly) what happens is that when students have to take into account character, and that you don’t help people for fame or glory, that how knowing the right thing to do is hard many of them ask to create a villain. We talk about how easy it is to be the villain. No accountability is appealing to them; not having to consider the impact on others is a draw to the darker side. I don’t let them take the easy out in my classroom, but there are plenty of folks who take the easy out in this world. How else does a grown man stab a teenage boy to death in a crowded place over a cell phone?
I think it’s noble to wanna help folks but if you are helping not realizing the danger you are putting yourself in a reality check may be in order….just saying
Every year in my classroom I do a unit on superheroes. We discuss character traits, strengths, weakness and the difference between hero and superhero. We acknowledge the heroes in our lives our communities. Firefighters, police officers, the neighborhood crack head that doesn’t let anyone fuck with you. Citizens who protect and serve not looking for praise or celebrity. Who also go through training and know exactly how to carry out their jobs without endangering themselves or other, possibly with the exception of the crack head.
So like, you know how in pretend land, the hero, because in pretend land unless you have a super power like flying, melting shit with your eyes or sense tingling you were a hero or a vigilante. Vigilantes are those dudes or chicks that take shit into their own hands when no one asked them too. clearing throat
ANY WHO, in pretend land have you ever seen, oh I don’t know, Spiderman or Batman do an interview on, SAY, Good Morning America or the Today show? No, No you don’t! And do you know why? Because it’s a fucking secret! Yes they run around in garish costumes with shiny gadgets but that shit is on the low, because just like there are those guys that wanna do good there are those who have no problem running a train on good. So when you go on television and tell people how you used to do this at your last job but folks felt some kind of way, you are telling folks who you are. The point of a secret identity is…it’s supposed to stay secret??? Keep up!!
So in for real world American’s are slipping further and further from reality so I can see how you can mix up pretend and real world from time to time. But in the real world when you get shot no stunt real life dude guy takes the bullet for you. And if you don’t have super powers you are not a super hero. Movies aren’t real and neither is television, sometimes even the news. I know (rubbing your back), it is it’s a hard pill to swallow and I really hope you don’t end up dead because you went public like a dumb ass.
In teaching my Superhero Unit (hands on hips, profile looking fly) what happens is that when students have to take into account character, and that you don’t help people for fame or glory, that how knowing the right thing to do is hard many of them ask to create a villain. We talk about how easy it is to be the villain. No accountability is appealing to them; not having to consider the impact on others is a draw to the darker side. I don’t let them take the easy out in my classroom, but there are plenty of folks who take the easy out in this world. How else does a grown man stab a teenage boy to death in a crowded place over a cell phone?
I think it’s noble to wanna help folks but if you are helping not realizing the danger you are putting yourself in a reality check may be in order….just saying
Thursday, January 06, 2011
ouch!
(i am avoiding caps and some punctuation on purpose. if you don't like it, oh well)
look it's not that i'm a wuss, this shit just really hurts. it's the kind of pain that makes you do shit like get really still a listen for your heart beat, cause surly it is in distress. the dentist has never been my favorite but, no that's actually it. i was going to say something hallmarkey but yeah, i don't mean it. i'm looking at the home instructions and i guess this is bone bruising. the kind under your skin and in your face. i should have taken some days off i know but i'm stubborn and kinda ridiculous when it comes to my responsibilities at times. remember i'm the chick who went back to work with child in tow three days after having him... don't judge me?? besides you don't have a dry erase board and decimal points so that shit don't count.
so i've been on a liquid diet for several days now and i'm kinda sad but grateful no ones come by to check on me cause i can feel my inner bitch getting restless. she's a steak kinda chick and this soup and applesauce diet is not hitting the spot.
ok, on to other things before the pain killers kick in good and this stuff starts making less sense than it might make now. i made a few promises to myself this year and i am determined to make good on them.
1. stop smoking (so far so good smoke free since 1/2)
2. lose a few pounds (so far so good 3 lbs since 1/2)
3. i will take better care of myself.
now this means a lot of different things. health and heart have a lot to do with this. aside from the obvious with the smoking and other vices that are also being curtailed i have to learn to walk away from some things and some people. people like smoking, and other vices can turn toxic.
4. blog more (i'm doing that shit right now ...what!!)
5. tour.
this one is tricky but i really want this for myself. it took me a long time to find this art form and i love it and i love sharing and i need to get out and just do it. but unlike tiger woods i shall not get caught!
6. deepen my friendships.
7. fall in love.
now i know what you're thinking, YOU CAN'T SCHEDULE STUFF LIKE THAT!! WHAT KIND OF PROMISE IS THAT!! well i will tell you what, i can. lol, i guess i should amend it to open my heart to the possibility of falling in love. so i will.
7a. open myself up to the possibility of falling in love.
it took a week of listening to my own heart and voice. inside my own personal temple of solitude to actually think about how much i've been hurt in the past. how i've shelved my true heart for a while, cause i refused to let the clumsy lovers in my life damage it further. now there have been two maybe three who have figured out where i hide the step stool and they actually held it (my heart, metaphorically of course) and then something happens and maybe it's a little thing but i re-shelve and hide the fucking stool.
wooo,i think the painkillers are starting to work the whole room kinda shifted...
8. finish my book and film concepts/projects.
9. throw my baby the biggest party ever when she becomes the first of my mother's grandchildren to graduate from college.
10. continue to be me.
i know people think i should act my age and what i have to say to those people is, fuck you, you act MY age since you seem to know a hell of a lot more about it than i do. and what is that? you're uncomfortable because i enjoy my life? because i live my life? i love myself and it took a long time to get here and guess what I'M NOT FUCKING LEAVING! not until it's time for me to and those who can't adjust to my fabulousness that boarders on brilliant bouncing off of wrong, oh well.. ok starting to feel like i'm not making sense so....ta dahlings!!!!
look it's not that i'm a wuss, this shit just really hurts. it's the kind of pain that makes you do shit like get really still a listen for your heart beat, cause surly it is in distress. the dentist has never been my favorite but, no that's actually it. i was going to say something hallmarkey but yeah, i don't mean it. i'm looking at the home instructions and i guess this is bone bruising. the kind under your skin and in your face. i should have taken some days off i know but i'm stubborn and kinda ridiculous when it comes to my responsibilities at times. remember i'm the chick who went back to work with child in tow three days after having him... don't judge me?? besides you don't have a dry erase board and decimal points so that shit don't count.
so i've been on a liquid diet for several days now and i'm kinda sad but grateful no ones come by to check on me cause i can feel my inner bitch getting restless. she's a steak kinda chick and this soup and applesauce diet is not hitting the spot.
ok, on to other things before the pain killers kick in good and this stuff starts making less sense than it might make now. i made a few promises to myself this year and i am determined to make good on them.
1. stop smoking (so far so good smoke free since 1/2)
2. lose a few pounds (so far so good 3 lbs since 1/2)
3. i will take better care of myself.
now this means a lot of different things. health and heart have a lot to do with this. aside from the obvious with the smoking and other vices that are also being curtailed i have to learn to walk away from some things and some people. people like smoking, and other vices can turn toxic.
4. blog more (i'm doing that shit right now ...what!!)
5. tour.
this one is tricky but i really want this for myself. it took me a long time to find this art form and i love it and i love sharing and i need to get out and just do it. but unlike tiger woods i shall not get caught!
6. deepen my friendships.
7. fall in love.
now i know what you're thinking, YOU CAN'T SCHEDULE STUFF LIKE THAT!! WHAT KIND OF PROMISE IS THAT!! well i will tell you what, i can. lol, i guess i should amend it to open my heart to the possibility of falling in love. so i will.
7a. open myself up to the possibility of falling in love.
it took a week of listening to my own heart and voice. inside my own personal temple of solitude to actually think about how much i've been hurt in the past. how i've shelved my true heart for a while, cause i refused to let the clumsy lovers in my life damage it further. now there have been two maybe three who have figured out where i hide the step stool and they actually held it (my heart, metaphorically of course) and then something happens and maybe it's a little thing but i re-shelve and hide the fucking stool.
wooo,i think the painkillers are starting to work the whole room kinda shifted...
8. finish my book and film concepts/projects.
9. throw my baby the biggest party ever when she becomes the first of my mother's grandchildren to graduate from college.
10. continue to be me.
i know people think i should act my age and what i have to say to those people is, fuck you, you act MY age since you seem to know a hell of a lot more about it than i do. and what is that? you're uncomfortable because i enjoy my life? because i live my life? i love myself and it took a long time to get here and guess what I'M NOT FUCKING LEAVING! not until it's time for me to and those who can't adjust to my fabulousness that boarders on brilliant bouncing off of wrong, oh well.. ok starting to feel like i'm not making sense so....ta dahlings!!!!
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
the most insane stupid song in my universe
So, over the holiday I was forced to listen to the radio. The books I usually listen to were too mature for the boy so I folded and to the radio we did listen. For three days. And for three days I heard the same, maybe 12 songs, in rotation. But it seemed in every rotation the song Grenade was playing. At first, I thought it was a joke, but then scarily my children started singing along and I realized they liked it? I was confused, I mean they did come from my womb? Right? So maybe, I thought, I am being to judgmental, to serious I was not looking at the complete picture and therefore questioning my children's pedigree was to hasty. They could still be my children if this song is as ass-backwards stupid as it sounds to me, this could be another one of those genetic things they got from their dad...yeah, that's it... So I listened.... over, and over and over again. What I surmised is that this song is, to my translation, about a self-loathing, narcissist with suicidal tendencies and a low self esteem. Which translates further into NOT SEXY and EXTREMELY DUMB!
Let's pick it apart shall we.....
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open, Why were they open?
~Well if it's easy come, easy go then you accuse me of being selfish, I'm gonna keep my eyes open to watch your ass because I have stepped into some stalker shit and quite possibly don't know how to get out of it...yet!
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same
~Ok, now is where crazy really comes out. So you gave me all you had, wouldn't that be a choice thing something you chose to do. And all you asked for was ALL of my love....that's it? ALL of it followed by telling me how you would self emulate for me after you already accused me of throwing your love in the trash and you're mad because i won't kill myself? What FIRST? Imean if you're serious why not take the grenade, blade, train, and bullet, and then if you survive, oh wait you said you would die for me.. But wait? if I love you wouldn't I want us to live!! PLEASE...BABY,BABY Can we live!!!! So, am I a bad person because I don't think death is an expression of love??? Then this part...
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Are you implying I'm from hell or I should go to hell?????? And do you find abusive relationships that leave you black and blue attractive????
If my body was on fire, ooh
You’ d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
~Now, hey wait a minute. If you caught on fire, unless it was some spontaneous combustion, divine type shit of course I'd put you out... oh wait, who you calling a liar???
The song is a hot mess. But I does bring into focus why some of these youth I work with think that these transitional relationships that they are in at 12, 13, 14 and 15 are so intense and forever. Why they fight over people who don't want them. That whole Romeo and Juliet romance thing. Hell y'all, if you read the book you'd see that shit was a mistake. You can't prove to someone how much you love them by hurting yourself. And if you truly think dying for someone is the way to get the girl or dude...I'ma need you to think that through all the way to the end...just saying!!
Ok, kiddies, the pain killers are finally kicking in...HOLLER!!
Let's pick it apart shall we.....
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open, Why were they open?
~Well if it's easy come, easy go then you accuse me of being selfish, I'm gonna keep my eyes open to watch your ass because I have stepped into some stalker shit and quite possibly don't know how to get out of it...yet!
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same
~Ok, now is where crazy really comes out. So you gave me all you had, wouldn't that be a choice thing something you chose to do. And all you asked for was ALL of my love....that's it? ALL of it followed by telling me how you would self emulate for me after you already accused me of throwing your love in the trash and you're mad because i won't kill myself? What FIRST? Imean if you're serious why not take the grenade, blade, train, and bullet, and then if you survive, oh wait you said you would die for me.. But wait? if I love you wouldn't I want us to live!! PLEASE...BABY,BABY Can we live!!!! So, am I a bad person because I don't think death is an expression of love??? Then this part...
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Are you implying I'm from hell or I should go to hell?????? And do you find abusive relationships that leave you black and blue attractive????
If my body was on fire, ooh
You’ d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
~Now, hey wait a minute. If you caught on fire, unless it was some spontaneous combustion, divine type shit of course I'd put you out... oh wait, who you calling a liar???
The song is a hot mess. But I does bring into focus why some of these youth I work with think that these transitional relationships that they are in at 12, 13, 14 and 15 are so intense and forever. Why they fight over people who don't want them. That whole Romeo and Juliet romance thing. Hell y'all, if you read the book you'd see that shit was a mistake. You can't prove to someone how much you love them by hurting yourself. And if you truly think dying for someone is the way to get the girl or dude...I'ma need you to think that through all the way to the end...just saying!!
Ok, kiddies, the pain killers are finally kicking in...HOLLER!!
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