24/ 30 Masterpiece

24/30 masterpiece       When we touched that last time. I tricked myself into thinking it was a good thing. Relaxed into the letting. Took down my hair so your fingers could play. It felt good. Because I didn't know it was the last time. I let   you touch. All of my stuff. You left your finger prints as evidence. At the base of my spine. Never questioning motive. Never believing a touch as gentle as yours could sting leave marks that can only be seen in flashback memories. I thought we were moving towards some new definition. Some new name we would call ourselves.   The notion that you were using my skin as cover, to hinge a door you would close. Me on the other side. No key offered as payment. A sign hung crooked on your intentions. No this girl allowed. Never seemed possible.   Do I still love you?   A questionI keep posing to myself. When I answer, I suspect I am lying.   When we touched that last time. I wish I had been present enough to know what was happening. Maybe I could have seen what was excavated, what was archived, what parts of me were museum-ed to memory Then maybe. Maybe then. I would have registered an ending. I still would not have been prepared.

today

yesterday, i officiated my first ever wedding! it was so very beautiful and some folk know of my aversion the the "M" word, being a part of this process has softened my heart in some ways. i had a date. she stood me up. it's ok but then it's not ok. it was a really big deal and i spent a lot of quality time preparing my words, would have been nice to have someone there. i don't know if it's me or not. i get the whole come closer go away vibe from this person and maybe i should take the hint. i have no idea how to date and it is possible that my radar is a bit fucked up as far as figuring out if someone really wants to get to know you. up until this point, my dating was a series of what should have been one night stands that just went on, and on, and on.... so here i am trying to switch it. do it right. and here we are. maybe my timing is off (it's been off for a while), or maybe she's just not that into me. could happen. i am suffering from sever loneliness and maybe that gives me the appearance of desperate. i don't feel desperate but maybe that is the vibe i'm sharing. going to leave it alone for now. not going to ask anyone out for a while. i do feel i need to learn how to deal with rejection, but damn!

i know

i fell off. said i was going to update. i lied. not on purpose, but what are you gonna do?
here is # 15 NO HOMO. I wrote it in response to hearing that phrase and well...here ya go



No Homo

A member of the genus Homo,
which includes the extinct and extant species of human beings
characterized by superior intelligence,
articulate speech, and erect carriage
also a loanword,
a prefix,
meaning the same


that can’t be
from the moment we are evicted from the womb
we are taught, instructed, threatened
to be different
draw your own lines in the sand
create your own existence
be unique
be different

if we were all the same
our moon would orbit the same earth
our rights equally protected
because we are the same
but we are different
not the same
or
no homo

no superior intelligence
no articulate speech
no erect carriage
no species of human
no sense
the words
make no sense
to me

well,
I guess it makes just about enough sense
as if my students
arms raised in protest
thesauruses
dictionaries
strewn about the floor
spines broken

they roil
overcooked alphabet soup
letters sloshing off their sides
fists punching the sky
making their agenda known
declaring in loud voices

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THERE ARE WORDS THAT SOUND THE SAME
BUT SPELLED DIFFERENTLY
HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS

AND THOSE OTHER WORDS
THOSE WORDS
DRESSED IN NEWSPRINT AND BINDINGS
THOSE WORDS THAT ARE SPELLED,
LOOK, SOUND
EXACTLY LIKE
THOSE OTHER WORDS
BUT HAVE THE AUDACITY TO MEAN
DIFFERENT THINGS

THEY ARE PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING
THEY ARE NOT
WE WILL NO LONGER HONOR THEIR PRESENCE
WE WILL NO LONGER SPEAK THEIR SYLLABLES
NO HOMONYMS
NO HOMOGRAPHS

NO HOMO
NO SAME

and well, that makes sense

when I hear those words in your song your poem
I get the feeling you are
declaring your own agenda
expressing your fear of sharing sameness
with people who sexually prefer
the same people
those
no hetero's

you are roiling
overcooked alphabet soup
the letters sloshing over your sides
lqbtqai
I stop listening
because your world is so small
your views are so narrow
there is no room for me

a member of the genus Homo,
which includes the extinct and extant species
of humans beings
characterized
by my superior intelligence
my articulate speech
and this erect carriage

and you are right
we are no homo
we are not the
same

anathema 6/30

anathema 6/30

voices raised intensely
attempt to assuage blood lust
spinning disdain pushing buttons
mortified
fists aloft
exudes displeasure
unjust
unfair
emotions vacillate
indecision about what’s more important
reiterating rhetoric
because if it’s repeated
it is truth
it is just
it is fair

how therapeutic
this atrophy of marching in the moment
this outrage at heinous behavior
this indoctrination of misdirection
spin dizzy
follow the smoke

they hope you don't notice
in the interim

all of the flames licking your back

Insight 5/30

Insight 5/30


it is dark

it is always dark
when we meet
you will tell me
it is for our own good
when we touch
we just do it
a passion takes over
it is clumsy and rough
it is close but distant
it is dark

I will ask if you are ashamed of me
you will paint pictures so vibrant
I must be apart of the landscape
I will forget my question, can’t see it
it is dark

we will merge
not under street light
too much illumination
you will drag me shadow
pull me close
it is dark

I will make the first move
you will counter
we will be arms and anchor
tomorrow and never
you will tell me you love me
I will not believe
it is dark

we will make ourselves frantic
turn crazy in to cravings
you will forget my name
I will convince myself
that it was because
it was dark

you will notice the sky
a detailed missed by me
staring into dislocated eyes
you will attempt to leave
I will protest
you will ignore
I will tell myself this is happening
because
it is dark

you will leave
the sun will show her face
I will resolve to find
that one who is willing to
love me
in the light

I have grown tired
of living
in the dark

Doors 4/30

Doors 4/30


I can feel the vibrations in my bones
feel the breath in my body
as I float over everything
there are moments when I see you there
see your face
feel the softness of you
and the tears

there was a time when we feel like perfect
when pillows wore our heads
our reflections the ceiling
walls recording our voices

Bacon Pop

Bacon Pop. The idea was a sound one, it probably shouldn't have been acted on but, well it has. The initial taste is lovely. A couple handfuls later, you realize the bacon flavor is fading and all you can taste is the salt. Then your tongue starts burning, if it's geographical, like mine, and feels like it may swell. I imagine if I had it with beer it might be tolerable but, it is clearly not happy hour, yet. I'm going to give it a sideways thumb, not great, not awful, but still maybe not right.

My Daughter's First Joke 3/30

My Daughters First Joke


we are meeting
as we do
in the fall like we do
in our small home there
are at least thirty people here
family
that’s how we roll
she is four
I am tumbleweed bouncing
from small room to small room
it doesn’t matter
every belly will be filled
every drink as well
my daughter is stalking my shadow
she is four and confident
she is telling me something
“Mom, I have a joke and it’s funny.”
I tell her I know
she stares daggers
which translates
to
“You say that all the time.”
there is music and chatter
spades and uno
there are folks eating dinner
and eating dessert
it’s family
this is what we do

she stands
four years old in her pretty dress
hands on her hip she clears throat no one
can hear her because no one is listening
she decides to wear her big girl voice
“ I have a joke, and it is funny.”
everyone pauses for the cause
some forks in mid air
a Boston derailed
she smiles speaks only
when she has everyone’s attention
“what has a hole and you screw it?”

you could hear the breath stilling
in the chests of every person in the room
I become petrified tree
stuck in spot hand fluttering to throat
my brother
bursts into laughter
my mother eyeball him to the kitchen
the younger children try to guess
the adults are in a state of terror
I exchange feverous eyes with
my now wasband

“what is it? come on, guess.
what has a hole and you screw it?”

no one guesses
no one breathes
no one moves
my brother is giggles away
from hyperventilating in the kitchen

“a light bulb!”

the relief flowed through the room
held breath released laughter ensued
my tree trunk legs go wobble
I plant myself in the nearest chair
she curtseys
then flounces
and that’s really the only word for it
stands in front of me striking a b-boy stance
“I told you it was funny”

I scoop her in my arms
make a promise in my head
to teach my baby how to tell a joke
that doesn’t cause mental heart attacks
we laugh together
my baby told her first joke
and after the trauma
it was pretty damn funny

Inconvenient Truths and Lies 2/30

Inconvenient Truths and Lies



Lie

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me

Lie

When we met , the first time I laid eyes on you,
I knew we were meant to be

Truth

The way your eyes slid across my skin
Like you never saw me
Because you never saw me
You just saw stages and marques
A name in an unforgiving light

Lie

My heart never molded to another's.
Never held pulse to throat.
Never held on for dear life, as you
Bent me perfect
Never happened

Truth

The way I said your forever
Sounded like a back handed compliment

Lie

The way you never doubted
as you doubted my fidelity
my forked tongue
my you are the only one for me mentality

So it is in fact
My fault
My eagerness to meet your needs
They way I anticipated your desires
And who the fuck makes reservations anymore
That way I gave you space
Never crowded you in
Trusted you at your word
Ignored our shiny brokenness
As we left parts of us in public places
Our impressions knifed into narrow minds


I'm so glad we never called this love (lie)

Never kissed it on the mouth (lie)

Never let the moon catch us bathing in her rays
All sweat and salt (lie)

Our skin never found our rhythms (lie)

And the light
Stayed off the entire time (lie)

We both knew that
Only those truly in love
Make love with the lights on (truth)

So aren't you relieved to know
This was not love (lie)


I am
Relieved (lie)

Satisfaction 1/30

I am sitting in a bar
formerly the Blue Frog
sounds poetic enough
I am being stood up
And maybe I should have expected this
first time on a date
this is new
old dog
stood up
blue

I Can't Get No Satisfaction
cranks through the sound system
and irony clashes with
this is so fucking sad
as I listen to the six women
sharing the patio with me
they
trash every man and women
they've ever been involved with
or friends with
associates with
or
maybe waved to on the street

these women are bitter and mean
I never want to be one of them
never want to let a drunken night of
I can't differentiate between pronouns
make me that angry, bitter
I was moving towards bitter
but not like this
maybe this is a teaching,
learning moment

I'm alone but not really
their voices
a needle scraping across a record
one they won't remember
when day breaks
you would think they were fighting
if you were here
but you are not
just me
alone, but not really
they are talking over each other
and it would be more entertaining
if I wasn't in my own head
writing this poem at their expense

Eric and Andrea
this is all they can talk about
the relationship they are currently
throwing under the bus
as they dissect what went wrong
how it's not a sexual thing
how tired they are
but they aren't
they are cutting and mean
rehashing and I get the feeling
that there is an underlying
thing
or theme
I only catch snatches but
they are so loud
so redundant
that if I ever had shit put back in
had a love child by a woman with talent
one who was here to witness this
whatever this is
our love child would wear
the names Andrea or Eric
I am not alone
I am alone
but
not for real

still no satisfaction here
Just voices
bitter
loud
louder
loudest
screaming
clearly one
or all of them have slept with
Andrea or Eric
and now they are a fucked up support group
for love thrown away by all of them
still wanted on a level
I don't want to become them


I can almost see the bottom
of my glass
so
soon
I will abandon the once frog
understanding why it is so blue
and if my new vibrator
lives up to its name
satisfaction
will be found
alone

National Poetry Month

I am going to update daily, for real this time. I have not been paying attention to my heart (heART)and this must change. Can't promise perfection, in fact I'm pretty sure most will be craptacular! I also keep promising to blog more often, that will happen as well!!