in progress

there must be a way of making
the transitions smoother
experiences more pleasant
my life as this women
salted
peppered
with pains and delight
events that dance
through my psyche sugary sweet
or leave me wiping de ja vu tears
of drowning sorrow
wet faced remembering the present

losing my virginity
not at all what is was built up to be
took three tries to find my rhythm
only to switch dj’s in my thirties

a car accident in the third trimester
with my second child
rear view mirror terror
struck from behind
i saw it coming
warned my passengers of the pending impact
twisting my roundness to grip my first
in her piece of shit car seat
the gnashing of metal
fingernails on chalkboard
my belly ate the steering wheel
my first slips
slides under the seat
car still in motion
belly lodged
i grab her up
remove a French fry from her hair
deposit her in my sister’s lap
she sitting shotgun
they screaming in unison
before the car stopped
seat belt disengaged
rage filled tears
throwing open his door
my words yelled slurs
he takes in my form
his cell phone the size of a block of cheese
falls to the street
the call dropped for sure
he reaches for me
i watch the clouds

this memory always
brings a hand to my belly
tattooed wheel marks
replaced by the kind that stretch
a now empty vessel
a womb once invaded by renegade cells
removed
a residual memory where my children once lived
a long lost x ray
film you don’t want developed
a piece of my puzzle
slips out of place to complete
a picture of me
this woman in this life

i’m here again
familiar surroundings
again hearing the tale of marauding cells
that seems to have retreated, regrouped
found a new battle field
cleverly disguised as my left breast
a war not confirmed
cold harsh instruments seeking
malignant masses
poked prodded
tired
another piece of me under threat

they tell me no battle is raging
within the flesh amour
holding in the ribs
that wrap my heart
for now they add
as seriously as
a backwards glance
i never want to be here again
six months from now
i’ll have no choice
i will make my transition smoother
for if peace talks fail
and the war begins
hand over my left breast
following the heart beat within
i’ll be ready to fight