the clot

so lot's of things have been happening and i still feel a little bit crazed.
i had a run of very good shows, getting to know my new sweetie, managing not to totally wipe myself out with all the activity.

when i finished hosting the dixie pistols show, i thought i had a charlie horse. a week later the cramp was still there and moving up my leg. Saturday morning when i got up standing was slightly owie. i went to the emergency room. there the doctor convinced me that it was probably a blood clot that would eventually travel to my lungs or brain and possibly kill me......yeah, color me scared shitless.
when they drew my blood it moved so slowly that in my head the clot was definitely there or my blood would move more freely. begin the freak out. they prescribe me medication that i have to self inject...more freaking, i don't do needles. i have popped a nurse or two for trying to give me shots in the past. i had a crying fit in the parking lot because i was sure i would not be able to do this and as a result would be dead by Sunday. my friend was out of town and i really wanted to hear a kind voice. when we talked she was short with me and and seemed busy so i figured let's not bother her about my pending death.

when i got home i couldn't do the injection. i started calling friends and my mom. thankfully some friends stopped by, my mom ran out of the room during the injection squealing "ewww needles" yes very comforting. i felt disoriented almost immediately. later realizing that confusion and other mental shit are side effects. make the crazy crazier. the banter as retold to me involved my dying and how embarrassed i would be if i died in front of people. there were phone calls. i am not sure how many people think i'm more crazy than my usual. i do know i pissed off my friend. and the fucked up thing is no matter what i say it will sound like an excuse.

yesterday i had to stick myself three times before i could get the final dose before my deep ultrasound to detect the alleged clot. still emotional right after that i get a call from my friend and snap, why, not sure but she is pissed. so pissed..not pretty. when she confronts me face to face, i have no words anything i say will be an excuse and possibly piteous. no winning. as close as i can come to it is she didn't care that i thought i could be dying even though she didn't know i thought i could be dying...confusion thy name is theresa.

i do not have a blood clot and if i'd been allergic to the stuff given to me it could have been very bad the tech said. she said they should have never given me inject able especially with no sound proof of an ailment.

so today i am sore and in and out of my mind and trying to rest still trying to listen to see if i can hear my blood thickening. i'm giving myself a major headache that i can't do anything about because i can't take meds until this stuff is out of my system. hoping to be better tomorrow when i really have a lot of shit to do. maybe my fuck up is forgivable...time will tell.