a thought

I have not been this lonely in a long time. It pretty much sucks

Locker Rooms and Fairy-Tales

Locker Rooms and Fairy-Tales we could never get our combination just right 19 – 24 – 42 42 this number splashed across your chest I didn’t see it right away But later it will hang banner like in my mind You were wearing that number when I out-ted us both My skinny legs Wearing cheerleader garb You would be angry for a time We will make up like benediction before the fact You will leave Later you will return Only to leave again Proving That even the most hungry of hearts Can be broken twice And learn on live on I don’t know this back then Recall it now in perfect pitch Listen For the punch line 42 – 24- 19 19 I was nineteen when I rolled up on campus A Prince in purgatory A non conformist They will not get me here And you Weeks later Would get me here Slam my brain against my heart Later it will become relevant I learned the definition of infatuated It rolled off my lips landed between your thighs I learned pleasure in two tongues’ yours and mine conversing daily sometimes more than once I became fluent You dug that shit Soon you will leave I will be devastated While pretending not to be 19 19 – 42- 24 24 twenty-four years later social media will do what I could not find you in 24 hours something I hadn’t managed in 24 years I ask if you are you You tell me you are And we fall back into patterns of 19 and 42 You would think we were discovering new lands Instead of plotting old paths No compass just reaction Fairy-tale mentality mixed with heat We got two years out of it Two years of mixed emotions and regret Two years of why did we think we could go back I wonder If I had found you 24 years before 42 would not have been an issue We might have had 19 years of bliss Or not, but we will never know we could never get our combination just right

Me feeling insecure

If I thought about it
And I'm not saying I think about it
But if I thought about it
I might think that I thought too late
Hung up on regret and what if
As I hang myself on what if
Regret
I am not new at this
Not old at this
What is this?
What am I doing wrong?
Something is wrong
Or maybe it's right and
I don't recognize it because
Things here have never been right like that.

I have never been here before
And maybe I have
Can't remember
And maybe it wasn't me
And maybe
Maybe
This is that thing I was
Warned about
You follow too close
You feel when feelings are not
A part of the plan

Did you plan?
Of course you didn't
That would be normal
And when was the last time
You were normal...
Like never,
Like maybe now
Like no
Like stop
Like you are doing too much
And no one cares if you feel
So don't feel
Put it away like you do,
Did the other things
Put it away.
No one wants to see
No one wants this
Just you.
Put it away
Pretend you never
It never
You were never ever here..
Shhhhhhhhhhh
Go to sleep now
You are so tired
And no one wants to see.
Especially the one you want to see
You are doing too much,
Again,
You are doing it again!
Go to sleep!
For real this time.
Goodnight