Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Been There Done That Twice! It's Your Turn!

The smell of change is in the air. Well, there is a smell and it might be change but the stench of intolerance is still pretty stinky. Lately I feel a bit overwhelmed by all of the symptoms of bigger problems. A totally different topic. Next post!

As a woman who has been married, twice, to men, twice and divorced, twice, for a while I was very convinced that marriage in any form was a kinda shiny enslavement. I got the ring and the kids but, I also got the mixed messages and the infidelity and a host of other things that could have been avoided had we just agreed to live in separate houses with conjugal visits and attempt to maintain some level of respect for each other. As I continue to mature, a little more each day, I realize that the idea of spending my life with someone who shares some of the same interests but still wants a level of independence appeals to me. Not in a "til death do us part" kind of way but in the, we are together when we agree to be together, you know, kind of way. Then we go to our personal spaces regroup come together, literally due to the conjugal, and support each other. I figure if we commit to each other you to me, me to you, then we are good. If you decide, or I decide that we like the topiary in another yard, respectfully we agree to go in different directions. Cut the dog in half, calender up the children and the like. Ha!!

No matter how you go about it when emotions are involved feelings will be hurt and even if it ends well, it's still an ending. My two marriages were two thing that should have never happened. Not because I wasn't in love, wait that first one was karma reminding me she knew my face, the second one? Yes, there was love in the second one!! Any way, I was very clear with both men when we were fucking, I mean dating? That I was very much against public proposals. Long fucking conversations about it, more than a few times. Both of these men proposed to me publicly, which should have been my clue that things would not end well. That simple act was the beginning of not respecting my wishes, my decisions or my feelings. I never said yes out loud to either of the proposals. I just watched as my family and friends "oooed" and "ahhhed" feeling and thinking, "No this motherfucker did not just do this!" But in the end there were dresses and rings and brooms to jump. It was also the beginning of me holding my tongue. In holding my tongue, I also stuffed my emotions and as a result, this woman who has to be reminded to eat on a daily basis went from a size 9 to 26. The day I spoke of my emancipation, it was like my first words and rebirth. A few months later without changing anything except my proximity to my future ex-husband I lost 150 pounds.

I know this doesn't sound like a "Yeah let's all get married" story or other happy shyt but, well there you have it.

I am now a very queer lesbian, and relationships with women are, and I din't think it was possible, more complicated than with men. I have met a few women I could see me spending lots of time with though I don't see me married again. But like I said, I am maturing a little more each day and I am a woman, I can change my mind if I fucking want to!!! I did once have a woman who lived in a closet elude to the possibility of marriage, but I figure if I came out of a closet why would I voluntarily go back into one? It's dark in there and there could be spiders. I think if someone wants to hitch there heart to another, "Until death do them part", no one, no government, should stand in the way of that.

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