old dog new shyt

I let myself feel again and no good ever comes from that. But I figure if I want someone to love me I should probably take better care of me, and If that's not enough then it's not enough. I have been lonely before and maybe with all the changes I don't have those other things in place in my life for me not to notice the lonely.I'm not dealing with kids, on the road, so I notice. I am looking forward to being away. It hurts when there is no contact and I don't handle that emotion very well. I think people think that I am so self reliant that I don't feel things like lonely or alone. I think honestly if it weren't for the fact that my child is in the house with me, if I died in my sleep it would be weeks before any of my friends, associates, whatever we are calling them these days, called or came by to check on me. That is what hurts the most. No one loves me even remotely like that. My last two relationships didn't love me like that. What does that say about me?