Sunday, January 08, 2006

Body Betrayal

What a week!
Java Monkey tonight was incredible!
I feel so out of the loop and loopy!
Rupert scared the shit out of me when he fell on the stage as a part of his performance, then almost made me pee my pants. It has been so long it seems since I felt so engaged and inspired by all the voices I heard...Except mine. Damn my brain that keeps rearranging my poetry. I can't remember shit. I royally messed up both pieces, but I am determined to do it right.
My body is going through some changes.
I knew it was going to happen soon, but still not prepared for soon to be now.
I have been sleeping shitty waking in panicked sweats.
I thought maybe I had the heat up to high.
Moved my bed from over the vents.
And still for the past few nights still waking drenched and heart racing like I was running from something, someone?
Then I fucked up.
At Targe, Target for the uncultured;-), I got the bright idea to check my blood pressure.
I have never seen numbers so high.
Freaked myself out...Completely.
That night I was scared to sleep fearing I'd have a heart attack or stroke.
Still sweating like a fiend.
Then I remembered the surgery.
And then I remembered the side effects from said surgery.
So now I think I have a wicked combo of early menopause with a sprinkling of high blood pressure.
Doctor visit tomorrow!
If I can scare Kaiser into giving me an appointment because I'm scared.
I started this blog last year as I recovered from my surgery. Bored on my couch. It's almost a year to the date of the pre- op that lead to the surgery.
Changes are scary and with some of the changes I am making
or having to make,
really wanting to make because I don't want to die will no doubt make me scary.
Down from almost a pack a day to two today.
None tomorrow and there after.
Let the cranky begin.
And remember, I don't bite... Unless you're into that kinda thing.

1 comment:

nolapoet said...

You go you go you go! Raysa's quitting smoking, too. It was a great night. And you didn't royally fuck up. STAY WELL!!!!

Went to hear Abiodun Oyewole last night and blogged a lot about it at the new blog, Every Poet Needs A Patio, at . Testosterone fest. Looking forward to hearing Alice and the others, though.