how do you have a police shoot-out with a 92 years old woman?
how do you kick down the door of a 92 year old woman at 2 am in a drug infested neighborhood looking for a dealer who doesn't have that address?
happy fucking thanksgiving..this woman lived a long time, was a law abiding citizen. her house was riddled with bullets. the police have been shooting a lot of women lately. wtf
so we are having thanksgiving dinner.
3 hours late cause the little popping thing didn't pop on the damn turkey.
i think the damn thing was trying to put up some kind of fight.
no sides that had to be baked were prepared.
my sister...who said to me "I'll cook the mac and cheese this year."
went to the store after it had been run through and could not secure the vital ingredient..VELVEETA.
we ate fucking Kroger brand mac and cheese. wrong, i told her she was going to thanksgiving hell, for her troubles.
it is wrong for mac and cheese to have the consistency of rice crispy treats....wrong, i say!
the kids are getting rowdy.
they are hungry and i am in a coma on the couch. yelling occasionally "no the popping thing isn't broken. no the bird is not done if the popping thing doesn't pop! no, i will not go ask the neighbor who is entertaining at least 20 people if you can put the cornbread in her oven."
did i mention the kids are getting rowdy?
to soothe the children, while the popping thing popped and the bird too large for our group was heaved out of the oven. my mother spun the ancient thanksgiving tale of the "Spider-man Food", you know...the legend of cranberry sauce! yes, she did. told them how Spidey wasn't right unless he ate this special food. that he had to make sure he got it at thanksgiving because that was the time of year that it was served in abundance. that the reason it is red, is cause it is one of Spider-man's favorite foods. " Like ketchup?" Jamal asked."Like Ketchup." my mother beamed.
you have never seen the amount of cranberry sauce consumed.
it was so wrong.
all i could think was the carpet will be colorful later thanks to Spider Man the Patron Saint of Thanksgiving.
when i left no one had thrown up, but the energy of all that cranberry sauce and the cream-cheese pound cake, pineapple upside down cake, sweet, sweet potato pie and the mounds of whipped cream was very evident.
I am so glad my son didn't hear the Spider-man tale.
this kid who routinely sleeps in a spidey costume three years too small( i tried to throw it away twice and he always busts me). but if he asks for any one of the three cranberry sauce cans that have been sitting on the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet for now on three years, I'll know that one of my sister's little spidey disciples, spilled the goods and shared the traditional story of the Cranberry Sauce!