What a great night. It went a little long but it was very nice.
I gotta work on this hosting thing.
I can be pretty clever but sometimes my clever on the spot
is just twisted at best. I feel silly practicing hosting.
I stood in the mirror last night, after a few beers, and tried to introduce people better.It would help if i had some history. Knew their work or, something.
People seemed to not notice that I sucked at it so it's all good.
It also helped me curb some of my anger. Not all of it. Last night instead of dreaming of killing the woman who grabbed at my son. I only hurt her. The important thing here is that my fantasy violence is not so scary...For now, that is. She touch my boy again and I don't know what I'll do. I just know it will be bad.
So tonight in the next phase of the Charis 32 Birthday bash there is Burlesque at Sister's. Yes, I will be there and I think I have my courage coming back so I am considering doing a burlesque act. Since the depression has set in, I have lost weight and it has redistributed itself somehow. So there are angles of me I don't recognize and if someone were only paying half attention, they could totally mistake me for fine even sexy! I shall test that theory tonight, before the alcohol sets in where then everyone is fine or sexy, or some intoxicated equivalent.
But before then I have to crash Cold Soup Dinner Theater. My mom is performing blues songs and some comedy. My mom is pretty funny except sometimes when she tries to tell a joke. I can't sing but I am going to sing a song with her tonight.
This depression thing has me so wrung out. I have this incredible loneliness even when surrounded by people and I'm doing some really great things, I am afraid that I'm missing a lot too. Because I am so in my head sometimes, pile on the pre-menopause...I'm feeling pretty fucking unstable.
This blog is all over the place..so we have been studying Greek mythology and I have re-stumbled over one of my favorite goddesses. This is who I think I would be and if I were to take a serious stage name other than my own it would be this. I think she may be my next tattoo in a smallish version.
Nemesis
is the goddess of divine justice and vengeance. Her anger is directed toward human transgression of the natural, right order of things and of the arrogance causing it. Nemesis pursues the insolent and the wicked with inflexible vengeance.
That's where I am right now. People lie and I want to smite them on the spot. There are other smite-able offenses but that's the big one in this moment. I talk to people and I feel myself scanning for lies...it's bad. not going to do that tonight. Going to let my hair down, relax, and allow myself to be the charming, sexy motherfucker, I used to be before liars invaded my space, and twisted my perceptions.
In other words..I'm going to have some fucking fun for a change!!
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