Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas already

so, i remember why i don't do the holidays
aside from the attack of the would be killer Christmas tree of 2001
the expression of joy flying at me
ripping a gaping hole in my car but leaving a smattering of tinsel
to complete that holy shit intensity that overtakes you when your life flashes before your eyes Saturn emblem flying skyward
defensive driving rocks!
for two days i've been forced to leave my home to do odd tidings here and there for family
no i don't mind sitting in highway traffic for hours on end
no i don't
so today i had to go to wal-mart
not particularly because i want to be in any store
especially that one
in the pre countdown shopping nightmare that is this season
3 items
all i have are three items
i learned that 10 items or less means nothing
15 or less means even less
but i also learned that if you work at wal-mart
get off work
decide to shop with the rest of us fools
that there is a secret express line for you
that you can roll up with your 32 items( i counted)
in the 10 items or less line
pull up on the wrong side like you're in England or something
look like you are supposed to be there
take over the cashiers register
commandeer the little wand thingy
ring up your shit
never making eye contact with the customers you've usurped
only offering a sidelong glance as that one
dreaded (in more ways than one)
customer in the dyked out jacket
pirate head scarf
t shirt emblazon with the smiley face
with duct tape over its mouth
with the caption
silence is golden,
duct tape is silver
who is in fact counting out your order
to the tune of some jingle that has left my brain
cause clearly counting as well as good manners have eluded you
i comment that i think all wal-mart employees should benefit from the
secret express lane and i am going to suggest it to the managers
black people blush and turn colors
i wished her a merry whatever
don't tell me i'm not just dripping
with sentiments of merry fucking Christmas

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