it has been a long couple of days.
we slammed against knoxville last night.
it was great!
i love knoxville, they are incredible people.
we were supposed to stay but i had ex-husband drama.
and suddenly remembered why i was so fond a the running him over with my care daydream. i knew i would be tired but my goddess, my thought was an understatement. i do not recommend being up for more than 24 hours and making a turn around trip to anywhere. i was so hyped on rock star and coffee that when i finally went to bed, my skin was tingling. remember that cartoon with the therapist where he was drawn to look like he was jittery? i felt like that looked. i was ok on the drive until i dropped off the last passengers. my peripheral vision was beyond blurry and oncoming traffic seem slowed and close. was very relieved to make it home.
i slept until 6pm.
i have never slept that long.
the end

i lied.
i feel drained.
the only good things in my life right now are my kids and my writing. even though my writing of late has bee sporadic and crap.
being miserable is not something i do well.
i have to go find some happy, hell at this point i'll even take the band-aid kind.
i've been trying to be more honest about my feelings with the people i care about.
it makes me feel vulnerable.
i don't like feeling vulnerable.
so i won't do it anymore, besides, it changes nothing.
i'm still ignored.
still re translated.
still lonely no matter how many people are around.
and still unhappy.
the only difference communicating my feelings has made id that more people know how i feel....and it doesn't matter because they really don't care about me.