Off Balance

by Seve Adigun
It has suddenly occurred to me that, I may not be losing my mind. That this emotional rollercoaster has a source that is merely compounded by the fact that people are trying to make me crazy. Forgot about the surgery. Hormonal stuff has to be missing. The lack of sleep, fitful sleep, and the waking from sleep sobbing uncontrollably has got to go. Calling the doctor in the am, hoping I'm right and there is something I can do about this. If not, we could all be in serious trouble!

OKAY NOW I'M PISSED

I know I have been known to man-bash from time to time.
I am hopeful that the men in my life who I consider to be friends,
have intergrity and are honest beings, know this is not directed at them.
So they really don't have to continue to read this, 'cause I'm 'bout to go the fuck off!!!

How is it that you can share a chunk of your life,
with someone and not notice that they are an incredibly large
ASSHOLE!?
How is it possible to live with someone and not see the body snatcher when they come,
and take away the person you thought you knew
and turned them into an incredibly large Asshole.?
Has anybody heard of Quikstar?
It's Amway cyber crack style.
MY CHILDREN'S daddy is a part of this pyramid scheme for the stupid.
He expected me to spend twice sometimes three times as much for food,
clothing and furniture and make my puchases from the cyber crack joint, telling me that we would get the money back, and be financially free in a year or two.
Not understanding that the only money you get back is a small portion of the amout you over-paid, after those assholes on the top of the pyramid get theirs!
It's been five years, and all he is free to do is kiss my Ass!
He can't, sorry, won't pay child support because there is no paper trail.
He expected me to trail my paper dollars behind this get rich quick pyramid scheme,
but he can't do the same for his own children.
This Asshole is supposed to pay for the kids insurance.
He won't because there will be no paper trail.
He has held up the process that would create a paper trail for more than a year.
To the insurance dilemma he gives this advice,
"They should try not to get sick or anything for a couple months."
What the fuck, exactly does that mean!
Help a sister out because I don't speak Asshole as a second language.
It confuses me how someone who seemed smart,
can turn into an incredibly large, stupid, dumb fuck, Asshole.
I mean do they give special classes?
Is it some secret organization?
Is there a cure for Assholism?!!!
Cause dude needs some help.

A support group maybe?
While he changed and made the leap to Asshole extrodinaire.
I have changed into that crazy bitch who will run over your ass repeatedly with her car!
I know it's outburst like this that make me seem scary and intimidating.
No worries, you are completely safe, as long as you are not a man who is an incredibly large, stupid, ASSHOLE! Then you should be scared!

Sadly, if my son starts to show symptoms of oncoming assaholic behavior,
he may have to be put down.
I will dedicate my life, my love and my good sense, to make sure that the Z-Man, does not contract a fatal case of Assholism!
May the force be with me,
before this Asshole forces me to get Bitchy.
Oh wait,
damn!

Whew!

What a week end!
It was all poetry all the time! I loved it!
I still haven't slept much but,
who needs sleep. Obviously, not me.
Bags under my eyes add character, charm, the look of a psycho.
Which I am sure makes me look more intimidating.
I've been hearing what some folks have been saying about me.
bizarre?
It's truly amazing that the unknown about someone
can be filled in by people who barely know you or don't know you at all.
And it gets taken as fact.
Part of my funk.
I usually don't care what things are said about me,
because I believe that people in general are insightful
enough to make up their own minds about a person.
Not always true.
And now I meet people wondering what they've heard or think they know about me,
and mentally I'm trying to figure out how to do damage control.
Well, I just had to get tough with myself.
Gave myself a thorough mental ass kicking.
Two to make sure I got it,
I can be hardheaded sometimes.
And have decided that if a person or people want to know, really know me.
They will have to be brave enough to venture into the bizarro world of me.
There they will learn that I don't bite
( unless you like that sort of thing)
I don't eat children
( I teach them, they sound similar but they are very different)
I'm not a player
(unless there is a scrabble game involved then yes I'm playing and a kickin' your ass)
I don't look down on anybody
( the vertically challenged will have to forgive me for looking at the top of your heads when I talk to you from now on)
And I'm not unapproachable.
I love meeting new people, sharing ideas, having fun
and I am a normal human being
( given the definition of normal should be loose).
I don't take advantage of people.
If anything just the opposite, I have been known to drive myself crazy trying to please others.
All that said, I now have a gauge on part of what's bothering me.
And now I am hopeful that the funk will start to fade.

Sleep Deprivation

I have tried everything. Well not everything. I am sure there is something out there I haven't tried that would wipe me out. You know exhaust me completely. But I haven't done that in so long I'm afraid I won't remember how. I have not had a full night sleep, in MANY, MANY days. Last night I think I might have slept 20 minutes. I have a lot to do this weekend. I can't afford an episode. I am feeling very touchy and edgy. Not on the verge of tears touchy, but the scary touchy. The one where I open my mouth and verbally jack you.
I've gotten better.
I've only officially gone of face to face once.
By e-mail possibly twice.
I stop and think, did this person say this to piss me off , is this a real question worth answering, can slapping the shit out of someone, get back that loving feeling?
I will not hit.
Hitting is bad.
I'm a lover (not lately), not a fighter (any more).
It helps to write the insane shit I think and feel here, see this way nobody gets hurt!

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is wrong with me?!
I feel crazy, inside.
Stark, raving out of my motherfucking mind!
I need help.
Everybody thinks I'm ok because in public I'm not a blithering idiot, I am so not!
I can't even put a gauge or finger on what precisely is bugging me. Probably a collection of things. I wish I could get away, maybe being truly alone, this lonely feeling can identify itself and I can regroup. Not going to happen for a while.
I do not like feeling like this.

The Ex- Factor

It's amazing how many folks are struggling with their ex's.
They are pushed to all kinds of peculiar self-destructive behaviors.
last night I met a young lady who agreed to go out with her ex (knowing she still has very deep feelings). I watched her drink three jager (jager bad!) shots in less than 15 minutues.
This concerned me so I asked her what the problem was. She said she was fine. I said no one who drinks three jager shots (jager bad!) in that amount of time is fine.
She proceded to tell me that her she was hanging out with her ex so she needed to loosen up.
I explained that if by loosen up she means pass out, she's well on her way.
What is this obsession that your ex has to be your friend?
When I have an EXterminator come to spray my house, I don't call him later demanding the return of the bugs!
When I have need of an EXorcist.. I don't later demand the return of the evil spirits!
If you get EXcommunicate you can be damn sure they request your return!
EX, done over ! If you can mutually agree to co-exist the do that.
But if you put yourself in a situation where you miserable hanging around hoping to rekindle what is lost, you are asking to be used.
If my EX suddenly burst in to flames,
would I stop drop and roll his ass? Yes, I would right off a fucking cliff.
I believe some EX's have a right to exist.
I also believe that there are those rare occurrences people who should be together ( for a little bit longer, before they break up) get over their differences and can reconnect.
However, if you thought for any reason you should have not been together, the EX Factor is still hovering in the background of your relationship.

Strange Muse

I have not suffered from writer's block in a long time.
When it comes, as I am sure it will, watch out!
Theresa will not be a happy camper.
As it is I am not a happy camper, feeling quite unhappy in fact,
but my brain is buzzing and zooming along like a freight train.
I actually have not been able to capture the words for days.
They are coming so fast and strong and in the strangest places.
While washing my hair in mid-sud ( not a quick thing washing my hair it takes a very long time)
I can't jump out of the shower or even start the voice recorder.
By the time I'm done it's gone.
Only to be recited in a dream where I become aware that this is the missing piece
( sorry Shel for quipping your book title). I wake in a fog scribble it down in low light as not to wake the Z-Man. Wake up. Hung over from lack of sleep, (four days now expecting a psychotic episode any day now) only to read what I've written.
"What the fuck does that say? Is that English?"
Is all I can say.
But today in a flood a weeks worth of glibs, lines, half connected thoughts came together.
I felt this tingling.
I am not exaggerating, it is my only release and sometimes it makes me feel...
well....
sexy in that literary way. The present two books I am writing in stay in the car, like condoms in the wallet of a virgin boy who can't wait to use them.
This afternoon, I met a friend at Java. I was trying to write a Sestina.
But my friend showed and needed to talk. So the tingle was ignored.
I do not advocate the ignoring of tingles! You could go blind!
I left there to see my mother, we had a nice talk and she showed me the crapped out article in the Oafing (I know it's Loafing). It was about the Java Anthology and it seems to me that a lot of crackheads are gainfully employed, continuing their habit, and loafing while they hate.
But I digress.
This is a long one so get comfy.
I left Mom's headed home and only got as far as the Brewhouse when the tingle would not be ingnored. I finished the Sestina, finished a beer, wrote another Rondeau, finished a beer, and "Touched" was born.
As you may have seen, I occasionally put some of the pictures from my photo shoot on this page. When I did the shoot the photographer the fabulous Seve Adigun, took one of the photo's and made it into my soon to be CD cover. It's an amazing photo, if I do say so myself, and I did.
He titled it "Touched" because of the image, you will so get it when you see it.
I told him I didn't have a poem with that title. He said he was just focused on the image and that's what came to him. I could call it anything I want.
Damn skippy I can call it what I want it's my CD, holler!
The image so struck me that I knew it would have to be called that. In the beginning I tried to force the poem.
Note to poets:
Under no circumstance do you try to force a poem. The resulting injury could seriously have your work called a piece of shit!
The poem flowed like water.
My waiter must have thought I was having seizures and small bouts of turrets.
And remarkably no curse words appear in any of the poems.
I think I am fucking cured from potty mouth.
Okay, Maybe not.
I have never had a waiter check on me so often. At one point I zoned back in to where I was and the whole patio was looking at me as if I stood there stupid and naked.
They were only half right!
It was great!
I'd like to say that my funk is over or that the sad feelings have left me for the moment.
The mini breakdown in the car on the way back to Java says it's alive and well and still pressing.
The words aren't running so fast in my head now. They have slowed and I can catch them.
I still feel heavy, and again find myself typing at risk of electrocution.

Sorry I had to leave the Monkey before the show was over. Congratulations to all the poets!

Sleep

Okay, I should be asleep.
I'm not, and I'm not happy about that.
It's all apart of this mode I am in.
I have been writing and I'm happy about that even if it some depressing shit.
I have this propensity to swear. I have been writing in traditional form tonight so there is virtually no cursing in my poems.
I know unfucking believable!
Here is the first one. I'll do the others later, I think I might be sleepy.
Go figure.
It's in the French form it's called a Rondeau.
I actually had fun trying this form.
The depressing words will say otherwise.
I have trouble punctuating poetry.
Bear with me goddammit I'm sleep deprived among other things.

Alone
French Form Rondeau
Theresa Davis 2005

Here alone at night I sit and cry
My pain and misery multiply
This time on earth has made me feel old
If honesty and truth be told

I secretly wish of a clear blue sky
To push out the sadness and solidify
That my meaning and worth should signify
The potential for the love I hold
Here alone at night

My dreams set free on the wing of a butterfly
In reality I constantly try to identify
Ever searching on a lonely road
When will my happiness unfold?
Or will this pain and misery intensify?
Here alone at night

I'm Losing It

It's official, I am depressed.
I didn't recognize it at first.
I knew I was in a funk but I thought I could throw it.
I had an awesome time at the reading on Wednesday.
Left feeling very up and the next day everything crashed.
I have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and thought if I went out last night and danced a bit surround myself with people I wouldn't feel so lonely.
The entire time I was there I was on the verge of tears.
I remember this.
The last time this happened like this, I was not right for a long time.
I have several things to do today.
What I want to do is curl up in a dark room.
Maybe it's the real mid life crisis.
I don't know what they look like as this is my first one.
I feel old, unattractive and like I am destined to be alone.
I thought if I got it out I'd feel better.
I don't.
And I'm afraid that if I continue I'm going to electrocute myself.
Tears and technology not a good mix.
I can't let it grip me like last time.
Last time I scared myself.
And I don't scare so easy.

What Now?

You ever have that feeling where you think you just might lose your mind, up in here, up in here.
Welcome to my world. How many fucking times do you have to sign a get out of my life agreement before it sticks. I am feeling so pulled in so many directions I may have to scream.
I am tired of being pulled in many directions at once. My writing is my only release and it's getting angry again. No wonder people are intimidated by me, the angry shit I imagine makes me seem quit frightening. And I am sure readers and listeners are glad it's a poem and not a damn gun.


Much lighter note!
I did a television interview today for Connect With Kids Network.
Very cool, we talked or rather I talked about the role writing , poetry and the arts
plays in the lives of our youth. How without creative release, some of these kids get into real trouble. I think I sounded ok, and not like a babbling crackhead. I know my face broke out first thing this morning so I may have looked like a crackhead. I guess we will find out one day soon. I'll let everyone know ( of course) when it airs.

looking out for me 

Can U Relate?

Can anybody relate to the high you feel after a performance?
I so need to be sleep now but it won't happen because I am high!
High on words and vibes, just high. The marguerita has absofuckinlutly nothing to do with it!
I have an interview in hours for fucking television and I can not sleep. I will probably look like a total crackhead tomorrow and my eyes won't close. Oh well, it will be what it will be/ Thank the cosmos or the goddess that Duncan informed s about tonight. May I get laid by some one disease free and see the other side.....soon. Trying to sleep now!
Look a picture of me watching my own back, from the erotic shoot.

Beat it!

So M J is innocent or found not guilty.
There is a difference.
Something is not quite right about this.
I don't know exactly what it is.
He is looking creepier by the day.
If he had been convicted he would have
taken himself out. I am sure about that.
And they had Manson's old digs set up for him.
Oh Darn!

Well, Well, Well

Okay, enough already! How intimidating can I be?
I'm going to let it go in a minute, maybe. I'm sure my harping on it
only further intimidates you. Done.

I am getting a weird kinda restless.
I feel like there is something else I am supposed to do.
Things are going well, but something is missing.
It's like I'm disconnected but plugged in. I'm wearing myself out.
Moving, moving, moving, like if I'm not doing something I'll forget what I'm supposed to be doing. Which is what? Feel my pain.

Well, enough of that!
I've got to get back in my own head.

Java Monkey was great tonight.
Kemi Bennings, very cool.
Lots of new readers and great words.
Next week the Java Monkey Anthology will be released and the readers will be from the anthology. Should be very cool.

Haiku thy name is bi@##@!

Why can't I write a fucking Haiku!? I mean it's simple write? (I did that on purpose, homonyms you know write, right... sense of humor please. Whitout that this post will only piss ewe or you off! Are you at least smiling?) Back to the rant!
Follow the damn formula and you get a goddamn poem out of it!
Shit, this process has knocked me down 4 steps of my twelve step stop the potty mouth program.
I keep this up and I'll be in the fucking basement. 5steps

What an exciting weekend of poetry, family and friends!
Java allways a good time. I e-mailed a lot of folks who actually showed up. I'm wearing them down. All a part of my plan to take over the world. Red Light was great! Very nice crowd lots of good poetry. I heard poems from folks I've been hanging out with lately and there were Kodak moments all over the joint! Hasan enjoyed Rupert so much I thought the himelick( why is that a fucking word that I spelled totally wrong. Shit 7 steps). Listening to funny poetry and eating wings not a good combo. Collin Kelley kicks ass!(8) I love his new stuff. If you didn't make then I guess you're going to have to wait till he feels like sharing. Just know that Rupert and I will be saying," Oh yes, we've heard this poem of Collin's, he's our pal!"
You Poetry junkies who don't go out to hear poetry have got to get off your ass! (9 steps, dammit, 10)
OK, I have calmed a bit.
So I will again attempt to strangle hold this Haiku bitch and show her who's the top!
(11, son of a .... 11 1/2)
Haiku Time.....

not a Holler Back Girl 

What???

What exactly is a Holler Back Girl?
I have heard many explanations of what it is, I am not convinced.
One explanation is that Gwen was called a cheerleader and insists that she is not one by making this song with banana cheer included. Having once been a cheerleader this doesn't sit well with me cause it means I may possibly be a Holler Back Girl and need a support group to stop being one.
The other is that it's a respond to the Holler back song and she will not respond to being hollered at or call your ass back cause some guy says so. I like this better because that means I am most certainly not a Holler Back Girl no support group or twelve step program needed.
What's your definition of a Holler Back Girl?

Hasan is here......Yeah!!!!!!!
I love my brother. My mom got the Lifetime Achievement Award last night and it was great.
I like the ideas of an award being functional. The award is a beautiful crystal looking fruit bowl. Talk about functionality. Have bowl, will fill it with fruit.
I have another dilemma.
I have been told that I am a bit intimidating.
What the hell does that mean?
Is being confident intimidating?
Is being somewhat secure intimidating?
Is being a dreadlocked African goddess intimidating?
If these things make me intimidating I have no defense and trying to meet people is going to be harder than I ever expected. Trying to get back into the dating scene is already a nightmare, and if I am going to be further hampered by my personality, I'm phucked.
See how I did that. I cursed without it being a four letter word. Cursing phonetically changed it.
This is step three in the in the twelve step program on how not to be a complete potty mouth.
Mom will be proud. Not sure what the other steps are as I am making this shit up as I go along.
Goddammit I said shit!
Back to step one....Admitting you have a problem!

She's Back!!!!!!

Yeah! Alice is back from South Africa!
She had a blast, and is very jet-lagged.
She shopped like a champ and brought back lots of loot.
MoDaSo will be in town at the same time. Such a rarity we should have scheduled a performance. But alas the world will just have to settle from a poetic assault from three directions. It's going to be great and I can't wait!!!!

I went to the room last night and watched what had to be the most god awful movie in the world. It was called Undertow or something. It should have been called Crap but it did succeed in sucking the energy out of us. Thank god for two dollar drink specials. I told Tasha she should return the movie to Blockbuster and demand an apology or kick someone's ass for labeling that dull ass, boring, bass ackwards, slow moving piece of crap as action packed thriller. Who ever gave it those alcollades was definitely a high octane crackhead. We did however enjoy the hell out of ourselves talking back to the screen. We shall make it a weekly event, Join us. There were only eight or ten folks there but we had a great time!