she wants me to tell her a story
one full of dreams and hopes
white knights and fairytale fantasies
but I don't know those stories
I know of hurt and sorrow
sin and sex in and out of closets
tears and healing and what's for dinner
why is this house not clean
and are you going to answer that
with your straight gay face
tone it down bury yourself invisible
claw through your own heart
to surface breathe stuck in lungs
and sweat and fear
these are the stories that haunt me
trip off my tongue bullets and fury
she begs for a story
I warn her with my straight gay face
that my stories are full of guts and vulnerability
lost loves and fallen angels
heartstrings pulled to distortion distraction
shipwrecks, siren songs pit bulls and pirates
that take more than they give
pull you off center scatter your thoughts
break you and pisses on your future
while kissing you on the mouth
some would call them demons
dress them in colors all dark
and fangs shrouded in hind sight
they descend these stories sometimes
from place inside me where I hide
them and they surface all jack in the box
knock me off metaphorical horses
and punch people in their faces
I tell her all the ugly
pick at all the scabs let her watch
the ooze and glitter pull open my chest
show her my soft broken places
the punctures and broken promises
I bare myself naked show her my geography
highlighting the rough terrain trace my
stretch marks connect the dots of every mole
every blemish all the dirt and I wait for her
to walk away show me her polite retreating back
tether myself to the earth so her evacuation
will not leave me depleted
she surprises me
pulls open her chest shows me her
soft broken places guides my hand inside
invites me to stay tells me that those stories
the ones full of dreams and hopes
white knights and fairytale fantasies
without the hurt and helplessness
that real people feel in real time have
always frightened her
she wants the story where the two
heroins bring their hurt together heal each other
in the telling rediscover the beats in their hearts
unashamed of who knows
kissing in the light and pride
holding even when they both are accustomed
to letting go and disappointment and shame
I tell her I don't know that story
she tells me she doesn't know that story either
figures we can write one together
and gives me her pen
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
26/30 Cadaver
when you get the time
remove my corpse from the cold
lay me out
like you always do
you know the texture of my bones
my flesh goose under your touch
make sure the scalpel is sharp
so the incision is clean and “Y” perfect
when you cut through my rib cage
don’t go to any expense any
pruning shears you might find
at any random hardware store will do
you will need the leverage
to lift my chest plate and cut through
my heart
my lungs
my liver exposed
put your hands in deep
don’t bother to wear gloves
you have been here before
left you marks and bruises
enjoy the art of it
analyze and weigh
excavate the organs you want to display
frame them
hang them on a wall
walk by and view them from time to time
donate them to a museum
so everyone can see
what messy art you make
Thursday, April 25, 2013
25/ 30 Everything She Wants
it started as a dare
you soon learned not to dare me
to do anything that wouldn't result in death
we became marathon runners
check list risk takers
we would have sex
everywhere
my favorite was in the elevator
both times
the first all concealed and safety
the second all glass open
like we were saying
watch me world as I go up and down
at the same time
it pleased you that I wasn't afraid
didn't know I was supposed to be
didn't know that the idea of two girls together
the way we two girls were together
might cause others to want to harm us
so wrapped up in the magic
I created scenarios to tease the sex out of you
the feathers were fun
adding honey not my best idea
and yes we ruined my sheets
and yes I let you leave for work
a feather stuck to your back
giggled thinking about how you would explain
I still have some of that in me
and there are times when I find myself
in places we made it in
and wonder where you are
when’s the last time you
fingered a girl at a ball game
or made love on a rooftop
I was in that elevator the other day the glass one
memory made my whole body blush
I could feel your breath in my ear whispering
I dare you
24/30 Shining Star
The year I turned ten St. Louis was a recent memory
Georgia red clay under foot mass exodus
to the black mecca of the south I was transplanted.
That year I became a southern bell
scraped knees and too thin.
Music was my everything in those days
my transistor in my pocket shaky reception grooving.
I wore ponytails back then and plastic shoes chasing down
the ice cream man in perfect rhythm.
School days filled with southern drawls that made me question
the English language the letter “r” in words where they did not belong.
The subtle differences of being black in the south
my northern fighting on playgrounds a different kind of civil war.
There seemed to be more sky here more future and forever.
Our roots the same growing in different dirt reshaping our tree.
I used to sit in the window listen to the city sounds my boom box tuned in.
While Earth Wind and Fire sang me into the world.
You're a shining star
No matter who you are
Shining bright to see
What you could truly be
23/30 when the moon is full and you remember
when the moon is full and you remember
those nights when our skin was the same
where you ended I began we could not tell
did not want to know
I was lighter then
my spirit not this weighed down vessel
feeling the best and worst at the same time
when love was simple
and you said it
you said you loved me
and I believed
how could you touch me like this
if you did not love me
stars in my eyes for you
blind and deaf ears
you did not mean it
not completely
I figured this was your way
of punishing me
to prove some point
I would never understand
because you would never explain
and now I do not want to know
the why of it
the aftermath has left me
second guessing myself
happy out of my reach
filled me with the fear
that every next lover
will not love me
the way you did not
even when they say they do
so I am afraid to act
afraid of my own tongue
the sting of rejection
is the gift that keeps on giving
the one you cannot return
it takes up so much space
my heart is full of it
and the scars are fresh
and open and seeping
and sad
and unworthy
and longing
and lonely
and you
when the moon is full and you remember
remember that time you taught me a lesson
I will never forget
those nights when our skin was the same
where you ended I began we could not tell
did not want to know
I was lighter then
my spirit not this weighed down vessel
feeling the best and worst at the same time
when love was simple
and you said it
you said you loved me
and I believed
how could you touch me like this
if you did not love me
stars in my eyes for you
blind and deaf ears
you did not mean it
not completely
I figured this was your way
of punishing me
to prove some point
I would never understand
because you would never explain
and now I do not want to know
the why of it
the aftermath has left me
second guessing myself
happy out of my reach
filled me with the fear
that every next lover
will not love me
the way you did not
even when they say they do
so I am afraid to act
afraid of my own tongue
the sting of rejection
is the gift that keeps on giving
the one you cannot return
it takes up so much space
my heart is full of it
and the scars are fresh
and open and seeping
and sad
and unworthy
and longing
and lonely
and you
when the moon is full and you remember
remember that time you taught me a lesson
I will never forget
sigh
“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami
― Haruki Murakami
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
22/30 Help Me Rhonda
maybe it was an omen
a warning
letting me know from the day I was born
that I would be haunted by memories
of her
of them
the women who once cleaved to me
their truths tattooed on new skin
holding me like secrets
like time and times
like I am free to love the way I love
I don’t want to be rescued from my memories
don’t want to croon it over and over
Rhonda
I am sure you could have fit the bill
I love the feel the skin
could give a damn what color
they are wrapped in
I’m not afraid of losing love
I have lost it before
gender a metaphor
I have lost it by making the decision
to take love off life support
kiss it on the lips
as it goes up in flames
it haunts me like a scent
in my clothes on the wall
in my nose on my skin
in the fur of the pets that watched
gave their approval
licked my face the morning after
so I have lost nothing
and I want to keep
the memories
the feeling I've felt at and under
the hands of love in the moment
those memories
have never frightened me
I keep them
hold them promise
my fear is not that I have loved
it might be that they won’t remember
how much I loved them
so maybe in that respect you could
help me
Rhonda
21/30 A Haiku imagining Eve in modern times if she channeled Rick James and addressing those who blame her for Adams sort comings, their periods and a host of other shit.
Man, woman, apple
I am the beginning of
all life
I’m Eve Bitch
Sunday, April 21, 2013
20/30 Why I Got to go and Make Things So Complicated?
if you and i get together
if you and i get together and like it
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot
if you and i get together and we like it a lot and then claim it
if you and i get together and we like it a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and the claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible
if you and i get together and we like it a like lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook because that is embarrassing
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook because that is embarrassing I mean I slept with your mom
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook because that is embarrassing I mean I slept with your mom can we both just agree that this shit is complicated
oh, and can you ask your mom to call me?
19/30 Construction Site
I walls
I protected
I walls protected
I heartbeat
I heartbreak
You beautiful
You wrecking ball
You beautiful wrecking ball
break
I white flag surrender
You beautiful destruction
I destroyed beautifully
You are if it's too good to be true then it's a lie
You are a lie
I am telling the truth
You are don't believe
I am reach
You are out of reach
You are pull away
I am hurt like broken notes
I am songs we never sing anymore
I am tooth ache
You are remember in reverse
You are reverse
you are forget the me you chose
You are locking me in closets
I've escaped from once before
You are hide the key
You magician poof change for me you wave wands
You are accuse me of not letting you in
not letting you see the real me
not letting you squeeze till it hurts
You are trying to earthquake me
You earthquake me
I am ornament
shiny hung on branches
I am telling you everything
You are ultimatums and balled up fist
I am bulls eye
I am you hurt me
I am remember
I am mason
I am remember I am mason
I am building the walls up again
I am been hurt one too many
You are walk away
You are like the others who walked away
You are me looking at your back
I am walls
I am protected
I am walls protected
I heartbeat
I heartbreak
You beautiful
Your wrecking ball
You beautiful wrecking ball
break
I am white flag surrender
18/ 30 Play
its about the way we fit
the hip and swagger sway of it
the you and me later
call me baby
if we can think of it
it can be done
should be done and
we should do it on a train
we should do it in the rain,
storms are best
skip a bus down town play
secret stranger baby
pick me up in a dive dyke bar
dance dirty with me out loud
shake and shimmy
fuck me senseless
one night stand
in the car baby
the way we play
keeps us honest
keeps us charged
pushing boundaries
binds us ribbon
hold me like a secret
on the tip of you thoughts
hold me in your mouth
and we will create the kind
of memories that magic
is made of baby
it should always be this way
it should always be this open honest
play date dating with you and me
understanding
until you don't
until you heard another woman
laugh in the key of your smile
until you started assuming the worst
stopped telling me your truths
turned trust into dis
you stopped playing with me baby
i felt your attraction slip
when you thought my focus
wasn't focused on you
mistook my busy for misadventure
when you forgot about the way we fit
the hip and swagger sway of it
the you and me later
call me baby
you don't call me baby
no more
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
17/30 Boxes and Stuff
when he asked me out and I declined
in a nice way I thought
he then asks how I identify myself
I think OK here we go again
this is the part where I am supposed
to box myself
make me compartmentalized
and small
enough for him to grasp
my disinterest
my I am just not interested in his advances
and I have to be something other
because he is the shit
and I should want some him on my shoes
because if a woman doesn't want him
she must be on some other
other
she must be a LESBIAN
when I say I’m pirate-queer
he laughs like I've made a joke
like I didn't understand the question
he says so, you identify as lesbian
I say no
I’m pirate-queer
now he thinks I’m fucking with him
and I kind of am but not simultaneously
I ask how does he identify
when he tells me he is
a straight black heterosexual man
I don’t explain the redundancy
of straight and hetero in the same statement
I don’t point out that he has told me
who he is not how he identifies
and maybe I’m wrong
and maybe people do identify this way
but I don’t, I believe who I am
is not always the same as how
I identify myself
I believe when you look at me
you know a few things right off the bat
you know I am female
I am black
and if I’m wearing my glasses
you can safely deduce that my
vision isn't what it used to be
what you can’t see is my sexuality
I and don’t think I have to naked myself for you
I tell him I don’t identify as a lesbian
It is what I am
like I am a mother
an educator
black
feminist
loud mouth poet
I AM a lot of people at the same time
and if I start putting all the people I am in tidy boxes
they start to add up and they start
feeling like so many little closets
I tell him pirate-queer embodies all the people I am
it’s how I identify
so, he says, I’m supposed to call you pirate-queer?
no, I explain you can call me Theresa,
because that is my fucking name
also who I am
and how or why would I stick all that on a label
and what is his point
then he goes on to tell me how he is
sick of women pretending to be lesbians
oh he means pirate-queer
when he’s trying to get to know them
I just kind of stare pensively
like I’m thinking about his conundrum
and not laughing my ass off in my brain
I say, that’s interesting
so how many pirate-queers have you met
you’re my first one he says
and I think not in this lifetime delusional one
and I’m kind of bummed because
maybe I was hoping he could show me the
path to the other pirate-queers
I mean I can’t be the only one
I tell him if I am going to give myself a label
it’s going to be something I can bedazzle
it’s going to be expression, shine and flair
and love of self
it’s going to be something I create
that speaks to all of me
and yes I am a lesbian
and no I’m not pretending
but you might want to consider
why you think women who don’t
want to go out with you
just don’t want to go out with you
and stop creating identity for them
to justify why they aren't interested in you
it may have absofuckinlutly nothing
to do with their sexuality
he just kind of stares pensively
nods smiles
I knew you were a lesbian
that explains why you won’t go out with me
well yes, I say, I guess it does
then I decide to piss him off
so I ask if he has a sister
in a nice way I thought
he then asks how I identify myself
I think OK here we go again
this is the part where I am supposed
to box myself
make me compartmentalized
and small
enough for him to grasp
my disinterest
my I am just not interested in his advances
and I have to be something other
because he is the shit
and I should want some him on my shoes
because if a woman doesn't want him
she must be on some other
other
she must be a LESBIAN
when I say I’m pirate-queer
he laughs like I've made a joke
like I didn't understand the question
he says so, you identify as lesbian
I say no
I’m pirate-queer
now he thinks I’m fucking with him
and I kind of am but not simultaneously
I ask how does he identify
when he tells me he is
a straight black heterosexual man
I don’t explain the redundancy
of straight and hetero in the same statement
I don’t point out that he has told me
who he is not how he identifies
and maybe I’m wrong
and maybe people do identify this way
but I don’t, I believe who I am
is not always the same as how
I identify myself
I believe when you look at me
you know a few things right off the bat
you know I am female
I am black
and if I’m wearing my glasses
you can safely deduce that my
vision isn't what it used to be
what you can’t see is my sexuality
I and don’t think I have to naked myself for you
I tell him I don’t identify as a lesbian
It is what I am
like I am a mother
an educator
black
feminist
loud mouth poet
I AM a lot of people at the same time
and if I start putting all the people I am in tidy boxes
they start to add up and they start
feeling like so many little closets
I tell him pirate-queer embodies all the people I am
it’s how I identify
so, he says, I’m supposed to call you pirate-queer?
no, I explain you can call me Theresa,
because that is my fucking name
also who I am
and how or why would I stick all that on a label
and what is his point
then he goes on to tell me how he is
sick of women pretending to be lesbians
oh he means pirate-queer
when he’s trying to get to know them
I just kind of stare pensively
like I’m thinking about his conundrum
and not laughing my ass off in my brain
I say, that’s interesting
so how many pirate-queers have you met
you’re my first one he says
and I think not in this lifetime delusional one
and I’m kind of bummed because
maybe I was hoping he could show me the
path to the other pirate-queers
I mean I can’t be the only one
I tell him if I am going to give myself a label
it’s going to be something I can bedazzle
it’s going to be expression, shine and flair
and love of self
it’s going to be something I create
that speaks to all of me
and yes I am a lesbian
and no I’m not pretending
but you might want to consider
why you think women who don’t
want to go out with you
just don’t want to go out with you
and stop creating identity for them
to justify why they aren't interested in you
it may have absofuckinlutly nothing
to do with their sexuality
he just kind of stares pensively
nods smiles
I knew you were a lesbian
that explains why you won’t go out with me
well yes, I say, I guess it does
then I decide to piss him off
so I ask if he has a sister
16/ 30 True Art
when you unsheathe your tongue
check the blade the prickle sharp
make sure the handle fits your grip
so the splitting and slicing brings
you the maximum amount of pleasure
choose scythe or sickle
rip razor or machete
the type of blade is important
you want your lacerations clearly defined
want to make sure it penetrates
the intersection of your lie and the liar you've become
you want to make sure that the nick nip notch
of your scandalous revisionist history
hits the targeted audience
when I turn my back
remember
it’s not disrespect
it’s just me
unveiling canvas
arms splayed like on an easel
and when you stab
make sure you catch the groove in my spine
make it count
bury it to the hilt
make it steamy mental magic
make me monster
cum dripping off my tongue my chin
make me pornographic larger than life
the biggest dick in the yard
make sure you jiggle it some
get it really messy
stick in in deep
I want every single inch
and hold on tight
check the blade the prickle sharp
make sure the handle fits your grip
so the splitting and slicing brings
you the maximum amount of pleasure
choose scythe or sickle
rip razor or machete
the type of blade is important
you want your lacerations clearly defined
want to make sure it penetrates
the intersection of your lie and the liar you've become
you want to make sure that the nick nip notch
of your scandalous revisionist history
hits the targeted audience
when I turn my back
remember
it’s not disrespect
it’s just me
unveiling canvas
arms splayed like on an easel
and when you stab
make sure you catch the groove in my spine
make it count
bury it to the hilt
make it steamy mental magic
make me monster
cum dripping off my tongue my chin
make me pornographic larger than life
the biggest dick in the yard
make sure you jiggle it some
get it really messy
stick in in deep
I want every single inch
and hold on tight
15/ 30 Suicidal Tendencies
At my worst I am kamikaze lover, reckless in my falling
Two months grounded, you enter the house through a door not a window
Wrapping my sex around your fingers, men are much too easy
I can never come back to you, this bridge has to burn
Two months grounded, you enter the house through a door not a window
Night-light and late love leaves marks that cannot be seen in day
I can never come back to you, this bridge has to burn
Maybe one day you will love me in daytime
Night-light and late love leaves marks that cannot be seen in day
Wrapping my sex around your fingers, men are much too easy
Maybe one day you will love me in daytime
At my worst I am kamikaze lover, reckless in my falling
Monday, April 15, 2013
14/ 30 It Rains Sometimes
in real time
focused
I saw you once
watched you striptease fancy
in my eyes wide open dreams
you, moving like wind and grace
and I don't deserve you
I wore your skin
played undress up with you
our tongues dancing forbidden
fingers wet in wonder
when you left I chased
but you were too fast for me
I could never catch up
moving you were always moving
like the rest of the sharks
afraid that if you slowed down
even a little bit
you might drown in me
still you swam away
you left
I became afterthought
a bump in the road
a misstep
a sneeze
gesundheit
you were my favorite snow globe
on a shelf
out of reach
from hands smaller than mine
high up
on a pedestal
revered
looked up to
you would shake a storm in me
relax as we settled in each other’s arms
the way we did that time
those times
rolling in the magic
of the way the same bodies fit
find the scene calmer that the scene
you created in your leaving
seems the imaginary scene
of the New York's skyline
under glass
covered in moth ball flakes and glitter
were more real the we would ever be
I could see a kind of forever with you
this statement fell out of your mouth
and it could have been the moon
or pillow talk channeling through you
but it made me feel
all spun sugar cotton candy
sweet
like melting in your mouth the way i did
those times that I did
you and me in some kind of forever
it was the sweetest thing you ever said to me
when I am nervous my body tells on me
the tapping of fingers
knees bouncing
could be you are too close
or I am too close to telling you how I really feel
could be I know this is train
waiting to derail and there are flames
and broken promises
the early warning system
my body tells me
but I ignore my body
sometimes
you remind me why
I should not make this a habit
I keep my love in a fist shaped hollow
it bangs on walls steady rhythm
in time
chambered like a weapon aimed in my defense
I listen to it sometimes when I am alone
It seems like I am always alone
Its Morse code reminds me that I am alive
With or without you
You left something broken in me
I touch myself to find the fissures
I listen hard for the skip in the beat
For the I love you I never heard
I sound like an ocean
I used to want to be a fish
all scaly gold mermaid
holding on to my memories of you
while holding my breath
forever
Saturday, April 13, 2013
13/30 Pallbearer
The box will be elaborate. A close fit
snug like your favorite closet. There will not
be enough room to turn or spin. Be prone.
Just lie there. I will do all the work.
Your hair arranged in such a way to cover
the damage from the years when vanity
and too many chemicals made it weak.
I remember your suggestion that I cut mine.
Remember that flash in your eyes when I called
you jealous. I made it a joke. Our first fight was born.
You never touched it gently. You only pulled to steer me
in the direction of your choosing.
The sex was rougher then when you could
rein me in strap me down. I thought of only
the pleasure in the act, the noisy slap and pull
not the fact that I couldn't see your face.
There will be no flowers. Just the sickly smell
of too many lit candles and cheap wine.
I brought you the good stuff once. You turned up your nose.
Another clue ignored.
You turned me cheap paper bag. I was folding
compromising my excellent taste.I bought you flowers once.
You chided me for wasting my money.I never occurred to me
that I was also wasting my time.
You told me you liked fake flowers because they never died.
Another clue ignored. Nothing breathed in your house including me.
Stale air recycling to poison.
Why couldn't I just be fake for you?
There will be no music. No food for consumption.
No one will be invited to this funeral.
Just my memories of you in this elaborate box
with your hair products, cheap wine
sickly scented candles and my favorite strap on.
I will bury these deep.Mark the spot with ugly
but alive flowers and try not to rethink
everything about you.
Everyday.
Friday, April 12, 2013
12/30 Flight 69
The TSA likes to touch me
The TSA likes to touch me in special places
The TSA likes to touch me like a lover, do you love me
The TSA likes feel my hair, feels my hair, thinks I'm hiding stuff up there, thinks me missle launch
The TSA likes reminds me that I can opt out and yet
The TSA likes to remind me that I can’t opt out
The TSA likes my curves, my dangle, my moans of pleasure
The TSA likes my first date, second, third base
The TSA likes my moans, my call me later breathy
The TSA likes my lotion and my vibrator together, wants to know if we can get together
The TSA thinks we are going steady and well maybe
The TSA wants to have my babies and I wonder if
The TSA is part unicorn so we can make that shit happen so I can stop feeling cheap
The TSA and I will have babies that shit glitter
The TSA wants a pre-nup
The TSA is going to be disappointed
The TSA sees me coming applies lip gloss and lube knows how I like it firm and rough
The TSA thinks I'm her girlfriend
The TSA dressed up for me today sent me a proper lesbian when she pats me down she feels me up
The TSA is feeling me up and she is the right build and type and she gives me her number
The TSA will get a call tonight, and I hope she brings those attractive blue gloves
11/30 Lupercalia (part found poem in response to jacked You Tube comment,"It is VALENTINE'S DAY. It should not be VAGINA-DAY. Have your cause on another day!")
very ancient
pastoral festival
avert evil spirits
purify
release health and fertility
februarius in the middle
worship
god of sheperds
founding a temple
wear your goatskin nude
burn the mealscakes
ask Romulus ask Remus
purify new life in the spring
sacrifice two male goats and a dog
anoint your forehead
sacrificial blood
bloody knife
soaked in milk
smile
cut thongs from skins of victims
februa
run around the walls
strike those who crowd near
receive lashes
ensure fertility
prevent sterility
ease the pains of childbirth
be outlawed
be still clinging to Lupercalia
be degraded
run nude around yourself
carry out the mockery
or
be seven men shot down
be Al Capone
be Bugs Moran
be 14 bullets in body and not talking
be so disgusted
be sickened and running away
be dead three hours later
be in love with the idea
be looking for love in wrong places
and held in Lupercalia's arms
early for spring
but cleaned up and ready to mate
be flowers and roses
and sentiment in the moment
be an idiot
ignoring the sex in your sexy
or the blood in your celebration
look at all the red
muse it love
muse it giving freely
blood flowing freely
call it roses and dark
like chocolate
like blood from vagina
carry out the mockery
then take your two hands
place them over your gaping mouth
secure them firmly
and shut the fuck up
pastoral festival
avert evil spirits
purify
release health and fertility
februarius in the middle
worship
god of sheperds
founding a temple
wear your goatskin nude
burn the mealscakes
ask Romulus ask Remus
purify new life in the spring
sacrifice two male goats and a dog
anoint your forehead
sacrificial blood
bloody knife
soaked in milk
smile
cut thongs from skins of victims
februa
run around the walls
strike those who crowd near
receive lashes
ensure fertility
prevent sterility
ease the pains of childbirth
be outlawed
be still clinging to Lupercalia
be degraded
run nude around yourself
carry out the mockery
or
be seven men shot down
be Al Capone
be Bugs Moran
be 14 bullets in body and not talking
be so disgusted
be sickened and running away
be dead three hours later
be in love with the idea
be looking for love in wrong places
and held in Lupercalia's arms
early for spring
but cleaned up and ready to mate
be flowers and roses
and sentiment in the moment
be an idiot
ignoring the sex in your sexy
or the blood in your celebration
look at all the red
muse it love
muse it giving freely
blood flowing freely
call it roses and dark
like chocolate
like blood from vagina
carry out the mockery
then take your two hands
place them over your gaping mouth
secure them firmly
and shut the fuck up
10/30 Check Out
i’m done library lending
myself to disinterested readers
who want a story
but not the truth
not the cobwebs spinning
not the tears and bruise
they want to be entertained
and anything other
than that thing they want
they break my spine
re-shelf me crooked
call me liar and spent
hold expectation over my head
watch me jump
but not high and mighty enough
not good enough
to forestall the great waves
of disappointment left behind
above
in front of
it’s all very interesting
until it’s not
until it’s same shit different day
and my arms pinwheel
like I’m trying to hold the reader’s attention
trying to safe land, harbor home them
but my vocabulary strains the tongue
my geography lost on the pages
dog eared never to be revisited
I think I’m done with that
I think my branches have tried too hard
to reach the one who dare not be touched
dare not be this
you
why you try so hard
when you watch those reader
choose horror and chaos comic book
why you gotta be so not that
why do you care?
is it because that is how you are shaped
built
bred
because caring is how you navigate this world
built on other and destruction
so you destroy yourself in understanding
or trying to be understood
when you should care less
because if you did
they’d care more
cherish what’s not there
a quick read saying nothing
maybe you can be best seller
if you said nothing
think about it
what can they learn from you
when you've already been
cliff noted by you cover
why should they read
when they can just watch
tell them a story
one they can believe
one where no truth is evident
footnote the truths
no one reads those
the footnotes
no one cares where you come from
myself to disinterested readers
who want a story
but not the truth
not the cobwebs spinning
not the tears and bruise
they want to be entertained
and anything other
than that thing they want
they break my spine
re-shelf me crooked
call me liar and spent
hold expectation over my head
watch me jump
but not high and mighty enough
not good enough
to forestall the great waves
of disappointment left behind
above
in front of
it’s all very interesting
until it’s not
until it’s same shit different day
and my arms pinwheel
like I’m trying to hold the reader’s attention
trying to safe land, harbor home them
but my vocabulary strains the tongue
my geography lost on the pages
dog eared never to be revisited
I think I’m done with that
I think my branches have tried too hard
to reach the one who dare not be touched
dare not be this
you
why you try so hard
when you watch those reader
choose horror and chaos comic book
why you gotta be so not that
why do you care?
is it because that is how you are shaped
built
bred
because caring is how you navigate this world
built on other and destruction
so you destroy yourself in understanding
or trying to be understood
when you should care less
because if you did
they’d care more
cherish what’s not there
a quick read saying nothing
maybe you can be best seller
if you said nothing
think about it
what can they learn from you
when you've already been
cliff noted by you cover
why should they read
when they can just watch
tell them a story
one they can believe
one where no truth is evident
footnote the truths
no one reads those
the footnotes
no one cares where you come from
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
9/30 ranting again PET PEEVES
first let me begin by saying
we are not fighting
or rather i am not fighting with you
i just think some clarity
some light needs to shine
in this space
so you can see clearly
how much distance there really is
between us
and mind you i realize
that by the end of this
i will sound full of myself
fancy crackhead
who the fuck she think she is
and
i know you may not
have seen all of this coming
but since you think you know me so well,
maybe you should have expected it
do not begin to tell me
what i cheat myself out of
or who
i know what i've lost
kept every bandage
marked those hurts in ink
and stained
they are tattoed in places
you don't get to see
just because you want to
don't present yourself as treasure un-buried
tell me what i need to see
i have been a pirate longer
than you have been breathing
and am fully aware that
all that glitters
is not gold
and if you are really paying attention
you know i prefer silver
and if you are giving
it away
it can't be that valuable
i've got hand-me-downs of my own
i don't borrow trouble or other peoples dramas
my house has no room to store your shit
there are only a few rules to me
not complicated
and though i tend to put myself
in situations where taking advantage
of my kindness is possible
i sacrifice the bones
and heart muscles freely
and i know it's going to fucking hurt
but i make the decision to go down that road
not you
i appreciate honesty
skin that wants my touch
even if it's only in the moment
and those moments don't always last
regardless of how much I want them too
sometimes I linger long after dismissed
back tracking looking for missteps
that were never taken
maybe they just weren't taken with me
i fall fast and hard
and often
and if haven't fallen your way
there might be a reason
i don't let just anybody meet my kids
they love elephant like i do
you become family and needed and
if a connection is severed
we are a bum knee or toothache
we wonder about searching for remedies
to fix what cannot be fixed
it's a risk
and when i risk them
and i am wrong the guilt is a broken place
so no you will not meet my children
i have risked them for my sake to often
i have spent three years being wrong
if you don't believe they exist
then they don't
now that we have cleared that up
there are no children for you not to meet
don't ask
ever
and speaking of the children
i don't have that you will never meet
if you are old enough to be one of those children
who did not fall out of my vagina
you are not old enough to fall into my vagina
i am not being ageist or any other thing
you think i might be
i know my limitations
just respect that
i am not looking for anything
i don't want anything from you
these wounds have not healed
and i am not ready to settle
for what i do not want
the last time i settled
i lost my voice for a decade
the laryngitis left me empty
and i have no desire to be
invisible that way again
i'm working on the other parts
of me that are not seen
and yes i am flattered
that you see me all literal
and profile picture perfect
but i don't have the energy
or hope right now to dig
my way into a relationship
i don't believe in
maybe once i begin to stop
believing in the failures
but even then
you kinda fucked up by assuming you know me
by presuming you can just say anything to me
a foul attempt to shame me
because you think i should want you
as you finger wag in my direction
for plodding through my own shit
so even when i stop sulking
when the wounds have healed
as much as they ever do
i won't seek you out
because that ideal person you think you see
it's not me
i mean, i would never wear those colors
and i know what you are thinking
"she sound full of herself
fancy crackhead!
who the fuck she think she is"
we are not fighting
or rather i am not fighting with you
i just think some clarity
some light needs to shine
in this space
so you can see clearly
how much distance there really is
between us
and mind you i realize
that by the end of this
i will sound full of myself
fancy crackhead
who the fuck she think she is
and
i know you may not
have seen all of this coming
but since you think you know me so well,
maybe you should have expected it
do not begin to tell me
what i cheat myself out of
or who
i know what i've lost
kept every bandage
marked those hurts in ink
and stained
they are tattoed in places
you don't get to see
just because you want to
don't present yourself as treasure un-buried
tell me what i need to see
i have been a pirate longer
than you have been breathing
and am fully aware that
all that glitters
is not gold
and if you are really paying attention
you know i prefer silver
and if you are giving
it away
it can't be that valuable
i've got hand-me-downs of my own
i don't borrow trouble or other peoples dramas
my house has no room to store your shit
there are only a few rules to me
not complicated
and though i tend to put myself
in situations where taking advantage
of my kindness is possible
i sacrifice the bones
and heart muscles freely
and i know it's going to fucking hurt
but i make the decision to go down that road
not you
i appreciate honesty
skin that wants my touch
even if it's only in the moment
and those moments don't always last
regardless of how much I want them too
sometimes I linger long after dismissed
back tracking looking for missteps
that were never taken
maybe they just weren't taken with me
i fall fast and hard
and often
and if haven't fallen your way
there might be a reason
i don't let just anybody meet my kids
they love elephant like i do
you become family and needed and
if a connection is severed
we are a bum knee or toothache
we wonder about searching for remedies
to fix what cannot be fixed
it's a risk
and when i risk them
and i am wrong the guilt is a broken place
so no you will not meet my children
i have risked them for my sake to often
i have spent three years being wrong
if you don't believe they exist
then they don't
now that we have cleared that up
there are no children for you not to meet
don't ask
ever
and speaking of the children
i don't have that you will never meet
if you are old enough to be one of those children
who did not fall out of my vagina
you are not old enough to fall into my vagina
i am not being ageist or any other thing
you think i might be
i know my limitations
just respect that
i am not looking for anything
i don't want anything from you
these wounds have not healed
and i am not ready to settle
for what i do not want
the last time i settled
i lost my voice for a decade
the laryngitis left me empty
and i have no desire to be
invisible that way again
i'm working on the other parts
of me that are not seen
and yes i am flattered
that you see me all literal
and profile picture perfect
but i don't have the energy
or hope right now to dig
my way into a relationship
i don't believe in
maybe once i begin to stop
believing in the failures
but even then
you kinda fucked up by assuming you know me
by presuming you can just say anything to me
a foul attempt to shame me
because you think i should want you
as you finger wag in my direction
for plodding through my own shit
so even when i stop sulking
when the wounds have healed
as much as they ever do
i won't seek you out
because that ideal person you think you see
it's not me
i mean, i would never wear those colors
and i know what you are thinking
"she sound full of herself
fancy crackhead!
who the fuck she think she is"
Monday, April 08, 2013
8/30 Revival
in the church of poet
there are no pews
no tambourines
there are chairs
that have seen better days
a bar-stool or two or more
no pulpit
but music stands
and microphones
truth falls freely
sometimes
on it's own
sometimes
wrapped in bowdlerized lies
that look like something
we are running to or away from
heads bowed
praying for blessings
from muses we ignore
when the truth hurts too much
reveals too much
you cannot cover
surgery with band aids
or empty promise
of someday
turned never
I come here often
ears wide
reach within
show me more of something
anything
my only offering these words
confused and hurt
my skin hanging loosely
from bones grown weary
and heavy
when my legs
can't feel themselves
on knees I ask for forgiveness
sometimes they hear
they snap and the flies swarm my eyes
there is everything
and nothing in the moment
that sustains
head bowed
I hope to be strong enough
to hold myself together
keep the bad away
just today
just now
so I can breathe myself
whole again
this heart is too open
and everything buzzes and squeezes
every touch is bad
and my spirit cannot swim
not today
I give you my back
so the blade of you tongue
hits it mark
back handed compliments
and false sentiment
flavored tea steeped in lies
that taste no better
when they are expelled
over mics
or in porecelain toilets
where the water is blue
and I see myself floating
clockwise into no more
then refilled
revived to some degree
and sometimes not at all
there are no pews
no tambourines
there are chairs
that have seen better days
a bar-stool or two or more
no pulpit
but music stands
and microphones
truth falls freely
sometimes
on it's own
sometimes
wrapped in bowdlerized lies
that look like something
we are running to or away from
heads bowed
praying for blessings
from muses we ignore
when the truth hurts too much
reveals too much
you cannot cover
surgery with band aids
or empty promise
of someday
turned never
I come here often
ears wide
reach within
show me more of something
anything
my only offering these words
confused and hurt
my skin hanging loosely
from bones grown weary
and heavy
when my legs
can't feel themselves
on knees I ask for forgiveness
sometimes they hear
they snap and the flies swarm my eyes
there is everything
and nothing in the moment
that sustains
head bowed
I hope to be strong enough
to hold myself together
keep the bad away
just today
just now
so I can breathe myself
whole again
this heart is too open
and everything buzzes and squeezes
every touch is bad
and my spirit cannot swim
not today
I give you my back
so the blade of you tongue
hits it mark
back handed compliments
and false sentiment
flavored tea steeped in lies
that taste no better
when they are expelled
over mics
or in porecelain toilets
where the water is blue
and I see myself floating
clockwise into no more
then refilled
revived to some degree
and sometimes not at all
Sunday, April 07, 2013
7/30 Happy Hour
that time i told you i loved you
i meant it from the bottom of my glass
ice rattling like the bones wind chiming in your closet
you mistook me for salvation
for redemption, co-conspirator
for get away car
when we left our mess all over the floor
and on the walls the curtains rustled
told the neighbors there was problem
there were words thrown out with the baby and the bath water
they turned their heads as i turned away
there is a cost to living one foot in and out of closets
that time i told you i'd come by later
not to stay but to watch the sunrise between thighs
tiptoe through your tulips
never ever did forever seep through my pores
never did i tell you it was ok for you to connect
in the way that you did
we were trip wire waiting for explosion
messy with expectation
you expecting me to skeleton key myself invisible
me expecting you to be concrete
not some abstract version of affection
a panoramic view of fuckery
that time i told you i loved you
i meant it from the bottom of my glass
i meant it from the bottom of my glass
ice rattling like the bones wind chiming in your closet
you mistook me for salvation
for redemption, co-conspirator
for get away car
when we left our mess all over the floor
and on the walls the curtains rustled
told the neighbors there was problem
there were words thrown out with the baby and the bath water
they turned their heads as i turned away
there is a cost to living one foot in and out of closets
that time i told you i'd come by later
not to stay but to watch the sunrise between thighs
tiptoe through your tulips
never ever did forever seep through my pores
never did i tell you it was ok for you to connect
in the way that you did
we were trip wire waiting for explosion
messy with expectation
you expecting me to skeleton key myself invisible
me expecting you to be concrete
not some abstract version of affection
a panoramic view of fuckery
that time i told you i loved you
i meant it from the bottom of my glass
Thursday, April 04, 2013
6/30 Playing with old poems that belong to other people
*It's official I'm depressed. Depression and insomnia. Not a great combo. Fuck!*
Monday’s child is full of face
and works double hard to keep the pace
to stay ahead remain on top
she runs her mouth it never stops
she forgets to eat and rarely sleeps
some stages will never feel her feet
she's working hard and wiping tears
remembers she's human faces her fears
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Tuesday’s child is full of grace
she's tall, head high, a swagger in her gate
her progeny makes her full lips peel
a grin to show a pride so strong
her legacy, it will live on and on
family is priority for this girl with teeth
she brings home the bacon that she will also eat
the week is just starting so far so good
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Wednesday’s child is full of woe
She works real hard not to let it show
But it’s on her face and it’s on her skin
She wonders if she’ll ever love again
It it’s worth taking down the walls she’s worked hard to erect
So her name once again sounds the same as reject
She forces a smile and hopes no one can see
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Wednesday’s child has far to go
in which direction I doubt she knows
but she keeps moving despite the tears,
despite the lonely and the fears
she know if she stops she will cease to be
and believes no one will notice she’s taken her leave
so she jumps in the car and take long rides
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Friday’s child is loving and giving
and angry and hurt and placidly forgiving
the week has turned long and her faith has gotten low
she has no one to talk to so nobody knows
she runs errands buys groceries and plans a great meal
today she has her son he makes her laugh and feel healed
his love has no sanctions, no conditions or trapdoors
and she knows in her heart this boy’s mom he adores
the only way to soothe her soul
Saturday’s child works hard for a living
She drives, she performs when venues are willing
this work that she does will put food on her table
she gives it her all and opens her heart
then at home she stares at the ceiling or cries in the dark
she is extremely happy and times ridiculously sad
she hope real soon that this shyt will pass (or at least even out)
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Sunday’s child is fair and wise and good and gay
that pretty much sums it up and describes her to a “T”
though her fair may look different
her wisdom she doubts
she’s as good as she can be except that pirate part
and gay ????? she is very much that
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Monday’s child is full of face
and works double hard to keep the pace
to stay ahead remain on top
she runs her mouth it never stops
she forgets to eat and rarely sleeps
some stages will never feel her feet
she's working hard and wiping tears
remembers she's human faces her fears
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Tuesday’s child is full of grace
she's tall, head high, a swagger in her gate
her progeny makes her full lips peel
a grin to show a pride so strong
her legacy, it will live on and on
family is priority for this girl with teeth
she brings home the bacon that she will also eat
the week is just starting so far so good
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Wednesday’s child is full of woe
She works real hard not to let it show
But it’s on her face and it’s on her skin
She wonders if she’ll ever love again
It it’s worth taking down the walls she’s worked hard to erect
So her name once again sounds the same as reject
She forces a smile and hopes no one can see
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Wednesday’s child has far to go
in which direction I doubt she knows
but she keeps moving despite the tears,
despite the lonely and the fears
she know if she stops she will cease to be
and believes no one will notice she’s taken her leave
so she jumps in the car and take long rides
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Friday’s child is loving and giving
and angry and hurt and placidly forgiving
the week has turned long and her faith has gotten low
she has no one to talk to so nobody knows
she runs errands buys groceries and plans a great meal
today she has her son he makes her laugh and feel healed
his love has no sanctions, no conditions or trapdoors
and she knows in her heart this boy’s mom he adores
the only way to soothe her soul
Saturday’s child works hard for a living
She drives, she performs when venues are willing
this work that she does will put food on her table
she gives it her all and opens her heart
then at home she stares at the ceiling or cries in the dark
she is extremely happy and times ridiculously sad
she hope real soon that this shyt will pass (or at least even out)
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Sunday’s child is fair and wise and good and gay
that pretty much sums it up and describes her to a “T”
though her fair may look different
her wisdom she doubts
she’s as good as she can be except that pirate part
and gay ????? she is very much that
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
5/30 Before You Dream
5/30 Before You Dream
before you dream of me tonight, you must first know
that the strongest muscle in proportion to its size in the human body is the tongue
I once held mine in the roof of my mouth for almost a decade now I appreciate its power
and a person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva
every time I see you my mouth dries to desert
I haven’t had a tasty meal in months
and your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
otherwise it will digest itself and thirty-five percent of the people who
use personal ads for dating are already married
my biological father used to take me on dates with the woman
he cheated on my mother with
I have tried to find someone not you
but I do not trust the process
I’ve seen what cheating does
I want no part of it
did you know a duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why
I have screamed to the sky in nightmares
no one stirred
maybe in my dream I was a Teal
waters churning
if I drowned
who would know those times
I woke heart pounding
and banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
I’ve been losing weight steadily these past months and I have a little headache
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
I start the day with at least two cups
for you I might consider switching to tea
butterflies taste with their feet
if I could forget the sound of my dad no longer breathing
maybe my hands wouldn’t shake so much
you once asked about my rings
I wear them to control the tremors
bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers were all invented by women
I have a scar on my forehead
I don’t remember the impact
or the passing out just waking
with blood in my eye
honey is the only food that doesn't spoil
and most lipstick contains fish scales
the first time I kissed you
that night I dreamed oceans and mermaids
*Teal is a type of duck
before you dream of me tonight, you must first know
that the strongest muscle in proportion to its size in the human body is the tongue
I once held mine in the roof of my mouth for almost a decade now I appreciate its power
and a person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva
every time I see you my mouth dries to desert
I haven’t had a tasty meal in months
and your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
otherwise it will digest itself and thirty-five percent of the people who
use personal ads for dating are already married
my biological father used to take me on dates with the woman
he cheated on my mother with
I have tried to find someone not you
but I do not trust the process
I’ve seen what cheating does
I want no part of it
did you know a duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why
I have screamed to the sky in nightmares
no one stirred
maybe in my dream I was a Teal
waters churning
if I drowned
who would know those times
I woke heart pounding
and banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
I’ve been losing weight steadily these past months and I have a little headache
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
I start the day with at least two cups
for you I might consider switching to tea
butterflies taste with their feet
if I could forget the sound of my dad no longer breathing
maybe my hands wouldn’t shake so much
you once asked about my rings
I wear them to control the tremors
bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers were all invented by women
I have a scar on my forehead
I don’t remember the impact
or the passing out just waking
with blood in my eye
honey is the only food that doesn't spoil
and most lipstick contains fish scales
the first time I kissed you
that night I dreamed oceans and mermaids
*Teal is a type of duck
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
# 4 Cordwainer
# 4 Cordwainer
I never wanted quick fix in the moment
I wanted just sometimes
occasionally, every once in a while to know
that when you opened your mouth
something
anything resembling the truth would fall out
not the make believe
cheap wine induce
I’m going to make you believe this
version of happy bullshyt
you piled at my feet
and now look,
you have fucked up my shoes
yes you toyed with my emotions
a kid with new blocks
set me up and knocked me down proper
I’ll let you have the playtime
I should have known better than walk into your yard
damaged toys called ex littering the landscape
here a heart there a heart everywhere a heart, heart
but The shoes
you are paying for the fucking shoes
those innocent bystanders
minding their own business
forced to walk through all that bullshyt!
They deserved so much better.
I never wanted quick fix in the moment
I wanted just sometimes
occasionally, every once in a while to know
that when you opened your mouth
something
anything resembling the truth would fall out
not the make believe
cheap wine induce
I’m going to make you believe this
version of happy bullshyt
you piled at my feet
and now look,
you have fucked up my shoes
yes you toyed with my emotions
a kid with new blocks
set me up and knocked me down proper
I’ll let you have the playtime
I should have known better than walk into your yard
damaged toys called ex littering the landscape
here a heart there a heart everywhere a heart, heart
but The shoes
you are paying for the fucking shoes
those innocent bystanders
minding their own business
forced to walk through all that bullshyt!
They deserved so much better.
3/30 for fifth graders who consider homicide when dealing with your own shit is just too much like enough
no one here was born with a manual
no instructions to guide us through
impressions given to us by the world around us
our village takes us at birth
place their hands around our mass
form us
maybe your village was preoccupied
with other things
with leave you on your own
let television and violent games grow you
maybe they should have paid more attention
when I was fifth grade
I was riding bike no helmet
hopscotch and double dutch
be home before the street lights come on
but be outside breathing air
feeling it on your skin
fall and fuck a Band-Aid
put some spit on it and shine
walk it off
I was too busy plotting out my next adventure
how my backyard was a paradise
others could earn entry
if they had the password
when bully was one
everyone knew its name
never looked it in the eye
gave it wide birth
and when the day came
and it called you by name
it would be the day
and at the end of the day
a bloody lip would heal
almost a relief because bully knew
there were other fish to fry
but never did I ever hear of guns
and rape
and premeditated murder
we were too busy kicking the can
and book mobilizing to our next adventure
what were you lacking?
who led you believe that the people
on this planet had to revere you?
what were you learning in that home,
that school of yours?
where is your village?
in my village
I raised three used to be fifth grader
who knew their worth came from within
and hard work
and keep your head up
and there may have been tears
hurt feelings
slaps to pride
but the hands that molded them
held comfort in a touch
support with a smile
or a pat on the back
they knew this world was not required
to love them or respect them
life is precious and time passes everyday
they were freeze tag
and mud pies
jump rope
and flag football
never knives
never guns
never rape
never premeditated murder
where is your village?
who and why didn't they love you
mold you
enough?
Monday, April 01, 2013
2/30 Miscommunication
those times I didn’t pay attention
my heart and mind wandering in different directions
I stumbled over the truth of you
the taste of you singed my tongue
I wanted more
my heart was all about this
pleasure is what it loves best
and pleasure is what she had designed for you
my mind thought you complicated
knew my simple ways
my cut and dry demeanor
it knows how easily my feelings get hurt
and how while I can speak about the injustices in the world
I am slow to come to my own defense
there was a meeting once
my heart was late as usual
at picking up on nuances after engaged
it can’t see the rejection until it hurts
leaves marks that builds walls and self-doubt
my mind remembers
sends down flairs of warning
distracted by the flames my heart mistook
it for burning
for passion
for love
for invitation to fall
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