Wednesday, April 17, 2013

17/30 Boxes and Stuff

when he asked me out and I declined
in a nice way I thought
he then asks how I identify myself
I think OK here we go again
this is the part where I am supposed
to box myself
make me compartmentalized
and small
enough for him to grasp
my disinterest
my I am just not interested in his advances
and I have to be something other
because he is the shit
and I should want some him on my shoes
because if a woman doesn't want him
she must be on some other
other
she must be a LESBIAN

when I say I’m pirate-queer
he laughs like I've made a joke
like I didn't understand the question
he says so, you identify as lesbian
I say no
I’m pirate-queer
now he thinks I’m fucking with him
and I kind of am but not simultaneously
I ask how does he identify
when he tells me he is
a straight black heterosexual man
I don’t explain the redundancy
of straight and hetero in the same statement
I don’t point out that he has told me
who he is not how he identifies
and maybe I’m wrong
and maybe people do identify this way
but I don’t, I believe who I am
is not always the same as how
I identify myself

I believe when you look at me
you know a few things right off the bat
you know I am female
I am black
and if I’m wearing my glasses
you can safely deduce that my
vision isn't what it used to be
what you can’t see is my sexuality
I and don’t think I have to naked myself for you
I tell him I don’t identify as a lesbian
It is what I am
like I am a mother
an educator
black
feminist
loud mouth poet
I AM a lot of people at the same time
and if I start putting all the people I am in tidy boxes
they start to add up and they start
feeling like so many little closets
I tell him pirate-queer embodies all the people I am
it’s how I identify

so, he says, I’m supposed to call you pirate-queer?
no, I explain you can call me Theresa,
because that is my fucking name
also who I am
and how or why would I stick all that on a label
and what is his point
then he goes on to tell me how he is
sick of women pretending to be lesbians
oh he means pirate-queer
when he’s trying to get to know them
I just kind of stare pensively
like I’m thinking about his conundrum
and not laughing my ass off in my brain

I say, that’s interesting
so how many pirate-queers have you met
you’re my first one he says
and I think not in this lifetime delusional one
and I’m kind of bummed because
maybe I was hoping he could show me the
path to the other pirate-queers
I mean I can’t be the only one
I tell him if I am going to give myself a label
it’s going to be something I can bedazzle
it’s going to be expression, shine and flair
and love of self
it’s going to be something I create
that speaks to all of me
and yes I am a lesbian
and no I’m not pretending
but you might want to consider
why you think women who don’t
want to go out with you
just don’t want to go out with you
and stop creating identity for them
to justify why they aren't interested in you
it may have absofuckinlutly nothing
to do with their sexuality

he just kind of stares pensively
nods smiles
I knew you were a lesbian
that explains why you won’t go out with me
well yes, I say, I guess it does
then I decide to piss him off
so I ask if he has a sister

1 comment:

Marykay Mentzer said...

The last line is a fabulous curve ball at the close!