14/ 30 It Rains Sometimes

in real time
focused
I saw you once
watched you striptease fancy
in my eyes wide open dreams
you, moving like wind and grace
and I don't deserve you
I wore your skin
played undress up with you
our tongues dancing forbidden
fingers wet in wonder
when you left I chased
but you were too fast for me
I could never catch up
moving you were always moving
like the rest of the sharks
afraid that if you slowed down
even a little bit
you might drown in me
still you swam away
you left
I became afterthought
a bump in the road
a misstep
a sneeze
gesundheit

you were my favorite snow globe
on a shelf
out of reach
from hands smaller than mine
high up
on a pedestal
revered
looked up to
you would shake a storm in me
relax as we settled in each other’s arms
the way we did that time
those times
rolling in the magic
of the way the same bodies fit
find the scene calmer that the scene
you created in your leaving
seems the imaginary scene
of the New York's skyline
under glass
covered in moth ball flakes and glitter
were more real the we would ever be

I could see a kind of forever with you
this statement fell out of your mouth
and it could have been the moon
or pillow talk channeling through you
but it made me feel
all spun sugar cotton candy
sweet
like melting in your mouth the way i did
those times that I did
you and me in some kind of forever

it was the sweetest thing you ever said to me

when I am nervous my body tells on me
the tapping of fingers
knees bouncing
could be you are too close
or I am too close to telling you how I really feel
could be I know this is train
waiting to derail and there are flames
and broken promises
the early warning system
my body tells me
but I ignore my body
sometimes
you remind me why
I should not make this a habit

I keep my love in a fist shaped hollow
it bangs on walls steady rhythm
in time
chambered like a weapon aimed in my defense
I listen to it sometimes when I am alone
It seems like I am always alone
Its Morse code reminds me that I am alive
With or without you
You left something broken in me
I touch myself to find the fissures
I listen hard for the skip in the beat
For the I love you I never heard
I sound like an ocean

I used to want to be a fish
all scaly gold mermaid
holding on to my memories of you
while holding my breath
forever