9/30 ranting again PET PEEVES

first let me begin by saying
we are not fighting
or rather i am not fighting with you
i just think some clarity
some light needs to shine
in this space
so you can see clearly
how much distance there really is
between us
and mind you i realize
that by the end of this
i will sound full of myself
fancy crackhead
who the fuck she think she is
and
i know you may not
have seen all of this coming
but since you think you know me so well,
maybe you should have expected it



do not begin to tell me
what i cheat myself out of
or who
i know what i've lost
kept every bandage
marked those hurts in ink
and stained
they are tattoed in places
you don't get to see
just because you want to
don't present yourself as treasure un-buried
tell me what i need to see
i have been a pirate longer
than you have been breathing
and am fully aware that
all that glitters
is not gold
and if you are really paying attention
you know i prefer silver
and if you are giving
it away
it can't be that valuable
i've got hand-me-downs of my own
i don't borrow trouble or other peoples dramas
my house has no room to store your shit

there are only a few rules to me
not complicated
and though i tend to put myself
in situations where taking advantage
of my kindness is possible
i sacrifice the bones
and heart muscles freely
and i know it's going to fucking hurt
but i make the decision to go down that road
not you

i appreciate honesty
skin that wants my touch
even if it's only in the moment
and those moments don't always last
regardless of how much I want them too
sometimes I linger long after dismissed
back tracking looking for missteps
that were never taken
maybe they just weren't taken with me
i fall fast and hard
and often
and if haven't fallen your way
there might be a reason

i don't let just anybody meet my kids
they love elephant like i do
you become family and needed and
if a connection is severed
we are a bum knee or toothache
we wonder about searching for remedies
to fix what cannot be fixed
it's a risk
and when i risk them
and i am wrong the guilt is a broken place
so no you will not meet my children
i have risked them for my sake to often
i have spent three years being wrong
if you don't believe they exist
then they don't
now that we have cleared that up
there are no children for you not to meet
don't ask
ever

and speaking of the children
i don't have that you will never meet
if you are old enough to be one of those children
who did not fall out of my vagina
you are not old enough to fall into my vagina
i am not being ageist or any other thing
you think i might be
i know my limitations
just respect that

i am not looking for anything
i don't want anything from you
these wounds have not healed
and i am not ready to settle
for what i do not want
the last time i settled
i lost my voice for a decade
the laryngitis left me empty
and i have no desire to be
invisible that way again

i'm working on the other parts
of me that are not seen
and yes i am flattered
that you see me all literal
and profile picture perfect
but i don't have the energy
or hope right now to dig
my way into a relationship
i don't believe in
maybe once i begin to stop
believing in the failures
but even then
you kinda fucked up by assuming you know me
by presuming you can just say anything to me
a foul attempt to shame me
because you think i should want you
as you finger wag in my direction
for plodding through my own shit

so even when i stop sulking
when the wounds have healed
as much as they ever do
i won't seek you out
because that ideal person you think you see
it's not me
i mean, i would never wear those colors

and i know what you are thinking
"she sound full of herself
fancy crackhead!
who the fuck she think she is"