Hand Over Mouth

once she held me in her mouth 
a future secret she would never tell to anyone 
while declarations seeped from my skin 
an open letter band-aid placed 
where surgery was needed 
I found my heart between her thighs 
comfort between heaving breast 

I forgot we were a secret 

forgot how loud my pulse 
so high on happy 
I didn't notice my shades of browns and greens 
turning rainbow and glitter 
but, 
I always believed it was my smile 
so big it was a beacon 
so bright it caught everyones attention 

she spit me out 
she never put me in her mouth again

Found Poem #1 - 37 Cliches 14/30

if actions speak louder than words 
and absence makes the heart grow fonder 
why do you add insult to injury 
by going against the grain? 

placing age before beauty 
like you are ahead of the game 
you stand all stage and glory 
your audience all ears 
while you air dirty linen 
become the albatross around your own neck 
treating it like it's all in a days work 
like it's all over but the shouting 
gotta make that almighty dollar 
you are more than all  work and no play 
because your apple didn't fall far from the tree 
and you never asked to be the apple of my eye 

so you came armed to the teeth 
demanding that I ante up 
and though I know you are not all things to all men 
you you are all things to me 

I'm at sixes and sevens with you 
at first blush and arms length with you 
your head as hard as nails 
us at each other's throats 
at loose ends 
losing our shit at the drop of  hat 
like we have found ourselves in the arms of Morpheus 
loving at a snail's pace 

I'm just an average Joe 
wearing I love you like tattoos 
while this emotion you avoid like the plague 
I have no ax to grind 
I'd just like to be taken at face value 
instead you mistake my artsy-craftsy ways 
for being asleep at the switch 

I am at my wit's end 
I know that not all roads lead to Rome 
maybe one day 
you'll find that as the crow flies 
I am and have always been
your ace in the hole

Show 13/30

sometimes  it's in the revealing 
the removing of layers 
the hold
the clutch 
the step away 
the remembering where 
you were supposed to land 
despite where you ended up 
it's the love that washed over you
left you heaving in the aftermath 
set you ablaze 
left you finding what was  left in your ashes 
sometimes it's no more 
than the no more 
than the trust you let escape from your heart
only to find that you stepped 
where there was no footing 
loved one sided 
sometimes 

that is just the was it is  
sometimes

all hope and forgiveness 
teeth bared as you give birth to disappointment 
sometimes there is only disappointment 
only "what if's" and "maybe"
shake yourself off 

try again 

love can happen again can't it? 
maybe?
what if?
sometimes? 

then there are the times 
when you over think yourself 
push yourself off course 
find comfort in lonely and suitcases 
in frequent flyer miles and the next destination 

sometimes there is a mosh pit 
resting just beneath your skin 
waiting for the band to crank it up a notch 
waiting for your faith to find its rhythm 
waiting to love 
because you like the way it makes your 
dusky skin glow and sing 
makes you feel all hallelujah 
and underground railroad 

then you reveal the only way you can 
look her right in the eyes 
hope for hopeful
bare your bruises 
bandage yourself back to the love you have always been 
and though the last one may not have noticed 
the next one might just surprise you 
show you what you've always known 
the removing of layers 
sometimes it's in the revealing

On the Porch at 69 12/30

my neighbor hates my muse 
my lingering on the porch in her full view 
as I type out my truth with two finger 
rather than the pen and paper 
my usual haunts 
she slams her door like an accusation 
like "how dare you create
while I sit and collect dust 
and complain about your parking
while watching you all free on your porch
from my porch"

she screams at her dogs sometimes 
their insistent barking pleading
for walks 
or attention 
or walks 
forced to sit in their own shit 
and watch me peck out poems 
while she screams like she forgot 
that dogs bark when they want to walk 
or want attention 

she stares sometimes 
Like now (she's staring at me right now)
and I stare back 
talking to myself the whole time 
arms above my head sometimes
locs flying free most of the time
sun kissing my skin 
while she sneers and slams doors 
Like now
which only makes me want to scream
" so what"
a joke she is not privy too 
and wouldn't get  
wouldn't care too
she only wants my invisible 
and fuck that 
it's a great porch 
that lives in front of a house 
full of words 
of poets 
of muse 

she just slammed her door 
again 
it could be in fear of the boldness of my muse 
or because she doesn't have a muse to call her own 
to the tune of dogs barking 
who want attention 
or a walk

On Being Dipped Into Water 12/30

my Achilles heel 
has a head full of flames 
skin warm to the touch two big eye 
that see everything except what is right in front of them
a nose that breathes in rejection 
exhales misnomers wrapped in false hopes
a mouth so full of lies they believe they are the truth 
a chin that juts and struts 
peahen to my cocky 
shoulder with so many chips on them 
the foundation is doomed to collapse 
arms that stretch albatross 
wing span that squeeze so tight 
you wake from sleep choking on past mistakes 
a heart that beats on "what ifs"
and if the beat turn "what if not"
no blood will flow to the lips  
I tried to kiss back to life with my own
it has a back that can hold the weight of me 
as we gymnastics our passion 
on every wall and the ceiling 
but turns willow when forced to accept 
certain realities 
two legs that open for me 
accepting the prosthetics of me as truth 
wrapped around my waist
hips bucking for my attention 
and two feet
that walk in opposite directions
following a future 
that can never be seen
with her two unfocused eyes 
unaware that she will never get there 
wearing those shoes

Still Life With Scissors 11/30

forgetting you is not working
your face shows up in my coffee
so I suffer cup after cup in silence
with my memories and shaking hands

your shadow etched itself on my ceiling
there you drift at night discrediting my new lovers
mocking their steaming skin
your name on the tip of my tongue
confusing my orgasms

I can forget you for a time
if there be ocean and sand
jelly fish and tides
when you be far off in the distance
an island I cannot travel towards
me on the shore
waving good bye to the war between us

I can move away from you

with the ocean in my face
the salt in my eyes
remembering my gills and scales
releasing the weight of you
I can forget you at the ocean

but in rush hour traffic
you return road rage
a balled fist in my throat
an articulated fuck you
held hostage in the roof of my mouth
eyes everywhere at once looking for the exit
a way to make the lies stop
changing lanes to the tune of your mood
no signals
just acceleration

all the things I loved about you
I still love

so I question if I even know what love means
I mean is it love
when someone accordions you
into every success they’ve never had

Is it love
if they can only love you behind closet doors

is it love
when you make me feel clean and filthy
between blinks

Caution Tape and Anchors 10/30

Their tongues don't frighten me 
I have known tongues that lie and linger 
tongues that flap and roll 
wave and wag 
some of those tongues 
only pretend to care 
as they lick the salt 
from my skin

I have no patience for mundane 
it is not my style 
I love the flash and sink 
lift anchor and sail away rough waters 
things or ideas and sometimes people 
fail to move me to magic 
they are sometimes dismissed 
gently 
move along there is nothing to see here

These hips have known hands 
calloused 
smooth 
trembling 
grab on hold tight 
enjoy the roll and wiggle 
navigate the waves
 it will make sense in the morning 
or it won't 

there is no fear here 
only tongues 
and moving magic 
and these hips 
come closer 
don't worry I don't bite 
hard 
unless you like that sort of thing

AU 9/30

undeniably beautiful
inherently valuable
waiting the whole time for this moment
beauty built in my structure
feverish desire
richly deserving
molded into circles
placed on fingers
no beginning no end
unless it was never meant to be
wrapping me around your finger
doesn’t make magic happen
where there is no true spark
I will move you to heat and will
under no circumstance tarnish
but you have to realize
all that glitters is not me
and I cannot repair your shitty relationship
or bound you one unto another
I know how precious I am

so make sure you have found
the treasure in each other
before you involve me

pretty shackles
does not a marriage make

Maybe 8/30

maybe it was the only thing we ever wanted
maybe we moved too fast used poor judgment
fell into something we were not ready for
maybe it was the right thing at the right time
your voice in my ear
the way we layered
hung on every word
the way I made you laugh from a genuine place
the way that frightened you so we had a fight
that made no sense and ended with us rocked by love again
sweat and lust and your eyes
maybe it was the way we talked after your first time with me in daylight
exposed to God and all of her angels
maybe we were so right for each other
that we shook our own foundations
placed our own minefields just below our surface
blew ourselves apart
rather than fall in the love we looked like
maybe

maybe it was the one thing we wanted from each other
to love elastic
stretch ourselves around the terrain of our curves
hold on for dear life
look us directly in the eyes
kiss us on the mouth
enjoy the happy we were becoming
maybe

maybe I’m not afraid anymore

maybe I’m hoping you are not afraid anymore

maybe one day
dressed in our worthy
our confidence
our switchblade smiles
our never been happy like that
maybe
we will find each other
maybe
it will be the only thing we ever wanted
again

Lessons 7/30

Once a week she drags her bones
from the warmth of her bed, 
decorates her body,
her temple of hope and everlasting joy.

Bible tucked neatly into purse she walks
head high and mighty into her temple of God.

She prays and sings, praises and speaks in tongues. 
Thanks God for the love in her heart
the love she has for man kind.

Tambourines still chiming in the middle distance.

Tomorrow she will call me a faggot.

Tomorrow she will call me a faggot
in front of my son.

Tomorrow I will have to explain to my son
that there are two Gods.
There is one God who loves unconditionally
and then there is the God those who cannot love
without judgement
believe in.

The second kind of believer thinks the
way they believe is truth,
and their truth is the truth.

Believe they were sent to smite you because
they doubt their Gods abilities,
doubt their God will see it the way they see it.

"Look" I will tell my son tomorrow.

"See how she works her magic hate.
See how she holds the slurs tightly between her teeth
the same place she keeps her prayers  
and Hallelujahs." 

My Uncle Passed, We're Waking Him 6/30

There is a body on the porch.
There is a body on the porch all still and dead and death.
It is blocking the door facing the driveway. 
It is there fancy and obscene she wants to kiss me. 
It seems wrong. More wrong than the wrong we planned 
before I knew about the corpse. 

She is my boyfriends sister. She was sent away for bad behavior. 
I am sure it's the behavior we have been behaving since her return. 
Since her brother suggested I meet her become good friend. 
I met her and we are more than good friends. 
Our sleepovers serve us more than him. In the future
I will remember this as a sign of things to come. 
I am not worried. 
I want the kiss but right now  
I can't get coffins out of my mind.

She wants to kiss me. Her brother is down the hall.
There is a body on the porch. My body is a stop sign.
My sandpaper skin once soft covers itself in goose flesh.
Her hands read the braille of my body. 
Feels the, "No we can't! There is a body on the porch." 
She uses her hands, warms the cold in me. She kindles  
and persuades knows I can't resist, loves the idea of seducing
her brother's virgin girlfriend again and again.
And again.

She assures me that her uncle on the porch is all still
and dead and death. 
"He won't mind." She coos and caresses.
Her hand slid up and down my parted thighs.
"I have a plan."
Her warm mouth on my budding breast.
Her fingers hide themselves in my wet.
Distracted I forget about the body on the porch
because her body makes full contact with mine.
I open for her.
She tastes everything.
We do more thaan we've ever done before.
I am an exposed wire shocked by my boldness.
I taste a girl for the very first time and I am alive. 

I come to terms with the fact that the wake is not until tomorrow.
Tonight, I will learn her body and no matter how hard  
or loud the orgasms come we won't wake her uncle.
He's on the porch.
He's all the way over there.

Truth Serum 5/30

The whiskey helps forget you for the moment
the color the same shade 
as that spot on your neck 
that place that begs for my kiss
teeth scrape skin
we cuddled in the dark 

the way the bottle fits in my hand 
is like the way you fit those times 
your orgasms wrap around my fingers
the crash of it explode on the walls

the way the liquid pours 
the taste of you on my lips 
the burn as I swallow 
the slow grind of release 
skin slicked with sweat and promises 
music blarring through the speakers
a fire burns in the hearth 

the whiskey helps forget you 
except
when it reminds me
reassembles your speech
more honest than your best honest
the coat hanging on the hook
pockets full of holes
watch me fall through
ignore the sound of me

I blame the moon 
the way it sits in the sky watching 
holding all the secrets within its glow 
how it sees what's coming and gives no warning

33 Years Ago 4/30

Today I will ask if I can go to the movies 
with a boy I like. Today you will insist that 
I go to planned parenthood, self medicate my need 
to lose my virginity.

When I explain that I am not interested in sex 
that it is just a movie with a friend, 
you will quote Corinthians 6:18 

"Flee from sexual immorality. Every sin a person commits 
is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins 
against his own body."

You will remind me about Eve. 

When I mention that it seems like Adam actually broke 
the rules you will call me blasphemous demand I get saved
repent. 

Tomorrow you and your second wife once mistress 
will watch porn until you orgasm, punish me for overhearing 
remind me of my sinner ways. 

At church you will force me to talk to the pastor.
I will tell him everything you believe I am 
not brave enough to say. 
I will ask, "Who are the sinners here?"
He will not answer.  I do not question his bravery 
but I make sure we have an understanding. 

I smirk as the pastor's sermon speaks 
of giving in to the flesh. Congratulate myself for 
being his inspiration. Throw up in my mouth a little 
when you and your mistress turned wife
Amen in harmony. Catch the pastor's eye mouth the word 
hypocrite 
while your former mistress catches the Holy Ghost. 

In her holy dance, she makes the same sounds she makes during 
orgasm. I wonder if her God approves of all the ways
she comes.

On Being in LA 3/30

I am here without you.
I am here without you and I am not surprised.
I am here without you and I am not surprised
because when I was with you, it was like I was not.
Why should this be any different?

There were so many plans made those last
months with you. So many plans that sounded like
movement like next level. That sounded like I want you
to go to LA for the first time with me. I am here without you.
I am here without you and I am not surprised.
I am here without you and I am not surprised
because when I was with you, it was like I was not.
Why should this be any different?

We will travel together so I can show you my past.
Too late I remembered I was also your past
trying to force fit into a future a false fantasy of tomorrow.
The lies lulled us past the other lies and I am here without you.
I am not surprised.

That time you said you didn't know how to deserve me
all I heard was you will see LA without me. What I felt was,
she is so full in love with me, instead of the push out
of your life you meant. I believe and still do, that love
in whatever form, can grow inside itself.
Why should this be any different?

I am in LA without you. In a place where we could
have landed safely, held time hostage and doubt at bay.
I am here without you because we were a conclusion
we were both too ill informed to jump to. The way we fell
away from each other before the embers burned themselves
to ash. I am here without you
and I want to be surprised.

I am here without you and I want to be surprised
because when I was with you, it was like I was not.
Why could't this be different?

Knowing the answers does not stop my heart from beating
to the tune of, I wish you were here.

Rocks in My Pocket 2/30

there is a soft behind your eyes
it wants normal and sanity 
it wants to stand in the rain 
so the tears don't show 
it wants everything 
and nothing to do with it 
simultaneously 
it holds all the broken pieces 
calls it art and throws it around 
a simple act of faith  

there is a soft behind your eyes 
it pleads for acceptance 
for a place to rest easy
a garden with overly fragrant flowers 
that will cloak the pain make
it pretty and more pleasing 
than the blues embraced by birth rites 
and bad decisions

The Place Behind the Trees 1/30

Proof that she still dwells here 
the citrus of her kiss lingering fog 
her eyes orbs of wonder and questions 
like what are you doing 
why don't you understand 
there is no truth between us 
no future 
burn the bridge
keep on walking away

I keep leaving you 

you keep coming back 

a dilapidated dream 
no longer holding interest 
no longer looked forward to 
call me all the names 
you tucked in your teeth 
scrawl them on a tombstone 
anchor it in the cold 
that is our departure 
a tribute to a love that failed
a thing that would never come true

Things Hoped For

There have been a few times in my life where I had that person I could without a doubt call my best friend. That person I knew I could count on no matter what. Knowing we would drop everything to make sure that the other never had to face difficulty, loss, heartbreak or any other thing we had to face alone if we didn't want to face them alone.

The last best friend I had is still on the planet but we barely speak these days. Correction, we haven't really had a conversation in years. And every once in a while (every day), I have the phantom pains of missing something that was once there. There was a trust broken and I guess believing she just left me hanging out there alone because of another's insecurity stings more now because I have all of this time to think these days. It wasn't that I felt I was more important or even as important but at the very least worth some consideration. Best friends for ten years and then one day, just like that, it's gone.

Twenty years later, I have friends. I have even found people I know, or believe could be a best friend. I have close friends, dear friends, like minded friends,and friends I'd drop everything to be there for. But no one that I feel like would be there for me come hell or high water, just because they wanted to, not because they felt obligated to. I know the reason I don't have that is mostly me. There is an ache in me that hurts everyday and the idea of another potential ache from losing someone I loved and still love results in panic attacks. The trust broken has me fearful of trusting not to be broken again.

We were not lovers we were just friends. The loss of a lover hurts a lot too, don't get me wrong, but nothing hurts like losing a friend. So I treat my friends carefully. I don't want to be too needy even though I need. I don't ask for their time and pretend not to be hurt when left out of things.

I do realize that pretending that my best friend leaving me behind, while I saw her every day, didn't hurt for ten years was the biggest lie I ever told myself. And that not opening myself up to be hurt by the people I love perpetuates that lie. So now I have all of this truth, and no one to really tell. Working out how to fix this and hoping it won't take twenty years.

That Girl and Her Damn Pearl Earring

So my two day dark-fest, mourning more than one loss, is waning. The brain is a tricky thing. Triggers find themselves in the strangest places. Dad's card, Lorraine's obituary and Jekonni's picture and his angel, finding themselves in the and out of the same box. The box I thought I'd forgotten about. Though, I can never forget them, those angels in plain sight, who left missing pieces in me. I felt you all in the museum today. Lorraine commenting, "How silly such a big room for such a small painting." Jekonni helping the elderly woman adjust her earphones using my hands. My dad whispering, "Lucinda Bunnen, remember she was one of you contributors the year you won that title, her art is hanging on the walls in this museum where in a week you will be teaching young people poems. You have all this behind and in front of you at the same time."
Then that moment when moved more by the memories than the art, the tears come again, the three of them snickering and giggling, "Now people will think the art moved you. You are so sensitive Theresa, so deep with all that emotion on your sleeve."
No one heckles quite as lovely as the dead.

I feel lighter y'all. Those missing pieces filling up with the new things I am living and learning, understanding that filling them will never remove you from my life.
Thanks.

Everyone Tells The Truth.?

There is a conversation happening on the book of face that I want to comment on but I won't because there seems to be this whole I'm right culture happening there. I know I am not always right I kind of assume others know this as well. They don't.

I remember when I was 17, there was this guy I had an on again off again thing with. It was strange. We kind of hated each other and argued constantly but then would find ourselves making wild crazy love on someone’s floor, or kitchen counter, or in the driveway. The relationship confused us both but, well, there we were. I tried really hard not to sleep with him when he and his girlfriend were together, but they broke up and got together again a lot, sometimes there was crossover.

As we approached spring break that year I was about to turn 18, they broke up again. This time it felt like it was for good. He said he was sick of the back and forth and I said I didn't care because we were not friends. We were just two people who fought a lot and had sex occasionally and sometimes a lot. They got back together after a day or two and were supposed to take this trip together over spring break.

She went with someone else. Now, to say that my not friend was pissed, would be an understatement. He paid for the trip and he wanted his money back. He fumed for days. At some time during the course of the week my dad talked to him, my friend Bridget's dad talked to him, and his dad talked to him. Basically they said, this was a sign to let that go. Let her, the money and everything go.

When school started back he ignored her. A few days in she apologized and suggested they start over. He said he wasn’t interested. She made a scene in the cafeteria, which was humiliating and embarrassing for everyone who was forced to witness it. Then she cried and begged and a host of other equally embarrassing things. That weekend there were several parties. We saw each other at one and left because we could feel drama trying to happening. We ended up back at my house. We drank Milwaukee’s Best (worst idea ever) to the point that my people were like you should stay on the couch tonight call your mom. When he called home, (this is before cell phones), his mother told him that the police were looking for him. His on again off again had called the police and said he beat and raped her at the party. We left the party before she even got there.

All that to say I never question in my heart when anyone says they have been assaulted, raped or attacked in any way. No one has the right to harm another.

I also can’t UN-know his story and I shudder to think what would have happened to this boy I barely liked had he not had an alibi that night.

My life with Zion, the love of my life!!

Zion in the middle of a flashback of the one month he went to day care when he was four, at the end of the, "We need to go there and if those women are still alive, we need to save the children because if they (the adults) are any thing like they were when I was there, a child is being spanked right now!"

Then he says, "Hey mom, did any black people die in Wolverine?"
"No Zion. A black bear bought it though."
Silence
"Mom, you know my favorite part of Wolverine?"
"No black people died?"
"So that was you're favorite part too! That proves it. I'm your son!"

So, I'll tell you if I haven't already, about when Zion walked out of the last last X-Men movie because the black character named Darwin, who is supposed to be able to adapt to his surroundings was killed. I believe the declaration as he stomped out of the theater was, "HOW THE HECK YOU GOING TO CALL THE BLACK CHARACTER DARWIN AND HIS POWER IS TO ADAPT TO HIS SURROUNDINGS AND HE DIES BECAUSE HE CAN'T ADAPT TO HIS SURROUNDING!!THAT'S IT!! I'M MAKING MY OWN MOVE AND GUESS WHAT MOM? EVERYBODY IN IT WILL BE BLACK MOM. AND GUESS WHAT MOM? NO ONES GONNA DIES!"

It was a very proud moment for me. I get all teary just thinking about it... That's my baby. Hercules, Hercules!!

Phone Date FAIL!!!####

The first one went well. Discovery, similar interests, closer to my age. This one started off fine. I told her how I just had dinner with my best boy friend The Ken of J, how I wanted to kidnap him to Savannah but he couldn't but it's in the plans for the future. She told me about her day and her plans for the rest of the weekend and we chat about plans to meet face to face next week.

She says, " Let's play a game. I am going to ask you a random question and you answer it then you can ask me one."
I think, great!Let's play.
The question is , " What is a reason you might give your partner flowers?"
I say, "Saturday. I am a romantic any day is a reason to give flowers or office products or whatever thing I am looking at that makes me think of my partner and that my partner should have it."
She says, "Awww, that's beautiful. You know I can count on my hands and not use all of the fingers the number of times my EX gave me flowers."
Then she documents the times. A lot!
I say, " Well, situations change and so do people. When would you give flowers or the like?"
She says, " Well, I have so little experience with that because my EX....."
I'm not sure how it happened but suddenly we are talking about her ex, and when I say we I mean she. For over an hour.

Now several things occur to me as I zone out of the conversation.

1 - I am tired of seeing/dating/fucking folks still hung up on their EX's.
2 - Internet dating kinda sucks.
3 - Why isn't there a class or something for this?
4 - I should paint this room.
5 - Is it that I am having some insecurity about breathing on the neck of fifty, that I think I will not be desirable and this is why I have put myself in this place?

I try to redirect. "What's the last movie you saw?"
"Well, my EX and I saw......"

?
?
?

Done.

I am lonely. But not this lonely.

Encounter #5

I pretend you don't exist sometimes
place your image in a box next to my heart
I pull you from my chest every once in a while
to be dazzled by your smile
resist the urge to sink
because you could drown me beautiful.

When you called today
I felt the shimmy under my ribs
heard the want in your voice
decided it might be safe to call you real
that my old-fashioned heart could
forget a decade plus and maybe
one day you'll call me cougar.

What I notice first is my need to write
make you etched and hope
push the "R" harder on this keyboard
so I know how Real this could be
and maybe I need these words
to remind myself not to be afraid
not to move too fast a known flaw
because you could drown me beautiful.

~Encounter #2

when she asks what I am feeling
I don't tell her
she doesn't really want to know
the question is so vague and my answer
could be unwanted shrapnel
lodged between breast bone
instead I ask for specifics
about the what and why
she smiles
asks for a kiss instead
that answer
I give freely
without question

sigh

The problem with falling for a friend
is that you won't know if it is love
till the moment you are about to lose her
forever.

Taher Shakir

Common Sense

I always find it interesting when people target groups of people having no idea what they are talking about. Like just because they say a thing, it is so! It’s pathetic really the amount of time spent spinning old yarns like if I spin it the right way it will somehow make sense this time. I won’t. The sweater is still too tight, too ugly and smells of lies, lied so long ago they just get more pungent in the re-telling.

It seems that the more we evolve (some of us), the more we de-evolve. I get that the idea of someone living their lives on their own terms is frightening but shouldn’t it be more frightening to the one living that life, not the one fantasizing on how other’s live their lives? I mean I don’t worry about how you are going to pay your bill. Those are YOUR bills. I am certainly not going to worry about what is happening (or not) in your bedroom. That’s YOUR bedroom!

So, unless respect for self and others has been out sourced with oh so many jobs, I’m thinking it’s your job to mind your business, not anyone else’s.

Bully Culture Alive And Well And on a Television or Facebook Status Near You!

We live in a world where we celebrate the bad and tear down the good. It teaches it's citizens to vilify and pigeon hole and hate. It pushes lies an almost fact until we are all full and we can't see the good in people. There are no perfect humans. They are going to churn this man who did something good until he is as bad as the man who held these women captive. And the other humans with the bad things in their backyards that no one has discovered because their good hasn't made the little big screen will help smear this muck around until that is all there is. He's a hero and only the most fucked of the human race would get off on circumventing the good to glorify the bad.
I haven't slept much or well in a few days so the filters are loose.

This is the shyt that makes people not want to help each other and it's fucking bullying. When a society actively publicly bullies why the fuck is the same society shocked that it is a popular thing with the kids they have taught so well. It's the equivalent to the boy who slapped me in middle schools because he said I was too smart for my own good always getting A's and shit. The only difference he was one guy, what do you do when it's a nation bullying you? When it's one guy you can ambush his ass later try some of the tricks you learned in martial arts and threaten to cut off his goody parts and stuff them down his throat if he ever even thinks about touching you again. He won't be able to use my tactics on the nation. I personally am only going to share the positive. There is too much negative in this world I refuse to contribute. Now I get to add this to the other sad, thanks America.

32/30 Ethereal

There is a place inside of me unreachable by normal means
but normal hasn’t lived here in many years
so you may not recognize that objects
are not as close as they appear
and you are not as close as I thought
could be I need a stronger prescription
or my vision suffers from acute rose colored tint.

There was a time when I zombied my way through my existence
believing rejection was an anagram of my name
regardless of the lack of similar letters
I would write poems
hang them around my room
pretend they were mirrors
every once in a while I’d glimpse my own reflection
I’d wave and sometimes I waved back.

There was a winter when I felt less myself than usual
I took a walk without a coat
shivered myself calmer
held myself like a lover and in that instance
I wasn’t alone in my loneliness
I have never been truly warm since.

There is a place inside of me sometimes I scream in there
the echoes feel like pulse
so loud I cover my ears
but I am the only one who feels the terror of it
the only one who hears
this is probably a good thing.

31/30 Transparent

back in the bad old dark days
when I wore invisible
like forgotten in the margins
like a fancy shiny party dress
perfect for dancing
with a plunging neckline
to show off my self-esteem
slits up to my thigh
make-up thick like war paint
or the undertakings of undertakers
dead in my flesh
but hoping to catch your eye
you never remembered me
when I wore it
so I threw the dress away

now
every once in a while
like a haunting
someone else wearing your eyes
does not remember me
standing right there
invisible
and I feel that dress
the plunging neckline
a noose choking the breath
out of me
it does not fit the way it used to
something I cannot afford to be comfortable in
forgettable

besides
no one dances anymore

30/30 Do you have morals

my reaction
was not so much about the question
more about what you wanted to ask
but didn't

you were not concerned about my principles
or the distinction between right and wrong
you were calling me wrong
hoping my response would make you right

and it's sad really
me expressing conveying my truth
you judging
have I mentioned
I love the way you judge
the way you know wrong and right
because of the mere fact that
you are male and straight
quoting scriptures with that drink in your hand
Looking all sinful but with soul

but me
I'm too classy
won't ask if you've ever cheated on you wife
driven while high or imbibed
have you ever made a move
on someone young enough
to be your daughter
or fudged on your taxes
cut someone off in traffic
ever lied stole or gambled
because if i asked those
would be real questions
unlike the one you posed to me
I might be over reacting the way females do
and those lesbians they all radical and fringe

Now had you asked
do I conduct myself in such a way
that hundreds of parents entrusted
me with co-parenting privileges
or does anyone see me beyond my sexuality
or if the children I birthed and raised
hold my name in their hearts tight
or is it a fact that I can conform but choose not to
mostly because I refuse to be vague
in my existence

so excuse me
if I don't answer you question
but when you get brave enough
to ask the one lodged in you throat
the one tangled in your homophobia
when you ask the right question
trust me
I will have the right answer

29/30 What Some See As Hopeless

the problem with being a romantic
is that even though the siren song
blares it's warnings all ten decibels
a sound that clearly means
danger is ahead and you should run the fuck away
and on the faint of heart it works
they actually heed the warning
they avoid the sharp rock action
they head for calmer seas

but we romantic types
we run towards the sound
look for the storm clouds a smile
wrapped around sharp edges
we get just a little bit closer
closer, closer to the edge look over it
size up the fall decide well,
it isn't that far and besides our love
is so pure powerful
we feel a little indestructible
believe we can survive the rocks
choke our way through the waves
endure the storm
hell, we are lightning strike proof
and if we get destroyed
the more fanciful of us know
that at least we will look poetic
broken body strewn about the beach and
I'm so in love with you
spelled out in the sand in blood
seeping from our opened mouth
the same color of our hearts

i mean
we know we won't die
but there is just something
maybe
it's the color of you
the shape of your smile
that flutter kick stutter
thing that happens when our eyes meet
and the world tips
that's what does it
kills us every time

28/30 Digging For Lost Gold

so much of what happened
could have been avoided
a simple no
a withdrawal of eye contact
removal of the cables
before they attempt to
jump start old business
not accepting your friend request
that is what I should have done
had i done that actually listened
to my shoulder angels
both of them screaming
you know fucking better
with their flares and sirens
had i listened
so much of this could have been ignored

but honestly,
i don't think it could be avoided
i don't think i wanted to avoid it
i know i wanted to jump in
knew it was the deep end
but i was a fucking lifeguard once
and if i can save others surely
i can save myself plus
i wanted to see if for who it was in real time
wanted to touch it make it say my name again
hold it close again whisper in its ear
hands on my hips strapped in pleasure
breaking beds and climbing walls

i didn't avoid it because i
wondered if i sprawl under her
all X marks the spot my geography
all its boarders wide open
if she would remembered where
my treasure was buried
and plunder


she did

27/ 30 Sista's Grimm

she wants me to tell her a story
one full of dreams and hopes
white knights and fairytale fantasies
but I don't know those stories

I know of hurt and sorrow
sin and sex in and out of closets
tears and healing and what's for dinner
why is this house not clean
and are you going to answer that
with your straight gay face
tone it down bury yourself invisible
claw through your own heart
to surface breathe stuck in lungs
and sweat and fear
these are the stories that haunt me
trip off my tongue bullets and fury

she begs for a story
I warn her with my straight gay face
that my stories are full of guts and vulnerability
lost loves and fallen angels
heartstrings pulled to distortion distraction
shipwrecks, siren songs pit bulls and pirates
that take more than they give
pull you off center scatter your thoughts
break you and pisses on your future
while kissing you on the mouth
some would call them demons
dress them in colors all dark
and fangs shrouded in hind sight
they descend these stories sometimes
from place inside me where I hide
them and they surface all jack in the box
knock me off metaphorical horses
and punch people in their faces

I tell her all the ugly
pick at all the scabs let her watch
the ooze and glitter pull open my chest
show her my soft broken places
the punctures and broken promises
I bare myself naked show her my geography
highlighting the rough terrain trace my
stretch marks connect the dots of every mole
every blemish all the dirt and I wait for her
to walk away show me her polite retreating back
tether myself to the earth so her evacuation
will not leave me depleted

she surprises me
pulls open her chest shows me her
soft broken places guides my hand inside
invites me to stay tells me that those stories
the ones full of dreams and hopes
white knights and fairytale fantasies
without the hurt and helplessness
that real people feel in real time have
always frightened her

she wants the story where the two
heroins bring their hurt together heal each other
in the telling rediscover the beats in their hearts
unashamed of who knows
kissing in the light and pride
holding even when they both are accustomed
to letting go and disappointment and shame
I tell her I don't know that story
she tells me she doesn't know that story either
figures we can write one together
and gives me her pen

26/30 Cadaver

when you get the time
remove my corpse from the cold
lay me out
like you always do
you know the texture of my bones
my flesh goose under your touch
make sure the scalpel is sharp
so the incision is clean and “Y” perfect
when you cut through my rib cage
don’t go to any expense any
pruning shears you might find
at any random hardware store will do
you will need the leverage
to lift my chest plate and cut through
my heart
my lungs
my liver exposed
put your hands in deep
don’t bother to wear gloves
you have been here before
left you marks and bruises
enjoy the art of it
analyze and weigh
excavate the organs you want to display
frame them
hang them on a wall
walk by and view them from time to time
donate them to a museum
so everyone can see
what messy art you make

25/ 30 Everything She Wants

it started as a dare
you soon learned not to dare me
to do anything that wouldn't result in death
we became marathon runners
check list risk takers
we would have sex
everywhere

my favorite was in the elevator
both times
the first all concealed and safety
the second all glass open
like we were saying
watch me world as I go up and down
at the same time

it pleased you that I wasn't afraid
didn't know I was supposed to be
didn't know that the idea of two girls together
the way we two girls were together
might cause others to want to harm us
so wrapped up in the magic
I created scenarios to tease the sex out of you
the feathers were fun
adding honey not my best idea
and yes we ruined my sheets
and yes I let you leave for work
a feather stuck to your back
giggled thinking about how you would explain

I still have some of that in me
and there are times when I find myself
in places we made it in
and wonder where you are
when’s the last time you
fingered a girl at a ball game
or made love on a rooftop
I was in that elevator the other day the glass one
memory made my whole body blush
I could feel your breath in my ear whispering
I dare you

24/30 Shining Star

The year I turned ten St. Louis was a recent memory
Georgia red clay under foot mass exodus
to the black mecca of the south I was transplanted.
That year I became a southern bell
scraped knees and too thin.

Music was my everything in those days
my transistor in my pocket shaky reception grooving.
I wore ponytails back then and plastic shoes chasing down
the ice cream man in perfect rhythm.

School days filled with southern drawls that made me question
the English language the letter “r” in words where they did not belong.
The subtle differences of being black in the south
my northern fighting on playgrounds a different kind of civil war.

There seemed to be more sky here more future and forever.
Our roots the same growing in different dirt reshaping our tree.
I used to sit in the window listen to the city sounds my boom box tuned in.
While Earth Wind and Fire sang me into the world.

You're a shining star
No matter who you are
Shining bright to see
What you could truly be

23/30 when the moon is full and you remember

when the moon is full and you remember
those nights when our skin was the same
where you ended I began we could not tell
did not want to know

I was lighter then
my spirit not this weighed down vessel
feeling the best and worst at the same time
when love was simple
and you said it
you said you loved me
and I believed
how could you touch me like this
if you did not love me
stars in my eyes for you
blind and deaf ears

you did not mean it
not completely
I figured this was your way
of punishing me
to prove some point
I would never understand
because you would never explain
and now I do not want to know
the why of it

the aftermath has left me
second guessing myself
happy out of my reach
filled me with the fear
that every next lover
will not love me
the way you did not
even when they say they do
so I am afraid to act
afraid of my own tongue

the sting of rejection
is the gift that keeps on giving
the one you cannot return
it takes up so much space
my heart is full of it
and the scars are fresh
and open and seeping
and sad
and unworthy
and longing
and lonely
and you

when the moon is full and you remember
remember that time you taught me a lesson
I will never forget

sigh

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami

22/30 Help Me Rhonda

maybe it was an omen
a warning
letting me know from the day I was born
that I would be haunted by memories
of her
of them
the women who once cleaved to me
their truths tattooed on new skin
holding me like secrets
like time and times
like I am free to love the way I love
I don’t want to be rescued from my memories
don’t want to croon it over and over
Rhonda
I am sure you could have fit the bill
I love the feel the skin
could give a damn what color
they are wrapped in
I’m not afraid of losing love
I have lost it before
gender a metaphor
I have lost it by making the decision
to take love off life support
kiss it on the lips
as it goes up in flames
it haunts me like a scent
in my clothes on the wall
in my nose on my skin
in the fur of the pets that watched
gave their approval
licked my face the morning after
so I have lost nothing
and I want to keep
the memories
the feeling I've felt at and under
the hands of love in the moment
those memories
have never frightened me
I keep them
hold them promise
my fear is not that I have loved
it might be that they won’t remember
how much I loved them
so maybe in that respect you could
help me
Rhonda

21/30 A Haiku imagining Eve in modern times if she channeled Rick James and addressing those who blame her for Adams sort comings, their periods and a host of other shit.

Man, woman, apple
I am the beginning of
all life
I’m Eve Bitch

20/30 Why I Got to go and Make Things So Complicated?

if you and i get together
if you and i get together and like it
if you and i get together and we like it like a lot
if you and i get together and we like it a lot and then claim it
if you and i get together and we like it a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and the claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible


if you and i get together and we like it a like lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook because that is embarrassing


if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook because that is embarrassing I mean I slept with your mom

if you and i get together and we like it like a lot and then claim it and then decide we want to be together so we make promise then change our statuses and let everyone know and then folks start tripping trying to break us up and shit and your mom she's hot and more mature than you she starts doing stuff like flirting with me and something fucked up happened like i kicked your dog or slept with your mom because she's sexy only i really didn't kick your dog because that's mean but i did kind of sleep with your mom because she's kinda hot and really imaginative and flexible and you get so pissed well because you would have rather i kicked your dog can you not break up with me on Facebook because that is embarrassing I mean I slept with your mom can we both just agree that this shit is complicated

oh, and can you ask your mom to call me?

19/30 Construction Site

I walls
I protected
I walls protected
I heartbeat
I heartbreak
You beautiful
You wrecking ball
You beautiful wrecking ball
break
I white flag surrender
You beautiful destruction
I destroyed beautifully
You are if it's too good to be true then it's a lie
You are a lie
I am telling the truth
You are don't believe
I am reach
You are out of reach
You are pull away
I am hurt like broken notes
I am songs we never sing anymore
I am tooth ache
You are remember in reverse
You are reverse
you are forget the me you chose
You are locking me in closets
I've escaped from once before
You are hide the key
You magician poof change for me you wave wands

You are accuse me of not letting you in
not letting you see the real me
not letting you squeeze till it hurts
You are trying to earthquake me
You earthquake me
I am ornament
shiny hung on branches
I am telling you everything
You are ultimatums and balled up fist
I am bulls eye
I am you hurt me
I am remember
I am mason
I am remember I am mason
I am building the walls up again
I am been hurt one too many
You are walk away
You are like the others who walked away
You are me looking at your back
I am walls
I am protected
I am walls protected
I heartbeat
I heartbreak
You beautiful
Your wrecking ball
You beautiful wrecking ball
break
I am white flag surrender

18/ 30 Play

its about the way we fit
the hip and swagger sway of it
the you and me later
call me baby
if we can think of it
it can be done
should be done and
we should do it on a train
we should do it in the rain,
storms are best
skip a bus down town play
secret stranger baby
pick me up in a dive dyke bar
dance dirty with me out loud
shake and shimmy
fuck me senseless
one night stand
in the car baby
the way we play
keeps us honest
keeps us charged
pushing boundaries
binds us ribbon
hold me like a secret
on the tip of you thoughts
hold me in your mouth
and we will create the kind
of memories that magic
is made of baby
it should always be this way
it should always be this open honest
play date dating with you and me
understanding
until you don't
until you heard another woman
laugh in the key of your smile
until you started assuming the worst
stopped telling me your truths
turned trust into dis
you stopped playing with me baby
i felt your attraction slip
when you thought my focus
wasn't focused on you
mistook my busy for misadventure
when you forgot about the way we fit
the hip and swagger sway of it
the you and me later
call me baby
you don't call me baby
no more

17/30 Boxes and Stuff

when he asked me out and I declined
in a nice way I thought
he then asks how I identify myself
I think OK here we go again
this is the part where I am supposed
to box myself
make me compartmentalized
and small
enough for him to grasp
my disinterest
my I am just not interested in his advances
and I have to be something other
because he is the shit
and I should want some him on my shoes
because if a woman doesn't want him
she must be on some other
other
she must be a LESBIAN

when I say I’m pirate-queer
he laughs like I've made a joke
like I didn't understand the question
he says so, you identify as lesbian
I say no
I’m pirate-queer
now he thinks I’m fucking with him
and I kind of am but not simultaneously
I ask how does he identify
when he tells me he is
a straight black heterosexual man
I don’t explain the redundancy
of straight and hetero in the same statement
I don’t point out that he has told me
who he is not how he identifies
and maybe I’m wrong
and maybe people do identify this way
but I don’t, I believe who I am
is not always the same as how
I identify myself

I believe when you look at me
you know a few things right off the bat
you know I am female
I am black
and if I’m wearing my glasses
you can safely deduce that my
vision isn't what it used to be
what you can’t see is my sexuality
I and don’t think I have to naked myself for you
I tell him I don’t identify as a lesbian
It is what I am
like I am a mother
an educator
black
feminist
loud mouth poet
I AM a lot of people at the same time
and if I start putting all the people I am in tidy boxes
they start to add up and they start
feeling like so many little closets
I tell him pirate-queer embodies all the people I am
it’s how I identify

so, he says, I’m supposed to call you pirate-queer?
no, I explain you can call me Theresa,
because that is my fucking name
also who I am
and how or why would I stick all that on a label
and what is his point
then he goes on to tell me how he is
sick of women pretending to be lesbians
oh he means pirate-queer
when he’s trying to get to know them
I just kind of stare pensively
like I’m thinking about his conundrum
and not laughing my ass off in my brain

I say, that’s interesting
so how many pirate-queers have you met
you’re my first one he says
and I think not in this lifetime delusional one
and I’m kind of bummed because
maybe I was hoping he could show me the
path to the other pirate-queers
I mean I can’t be the only one
I tell him if I am going to give myself a label
it’s going to be something I can bedazzle
it’s going to be expression, shine and flair
and love of self
it’s going to be something I create
that speaks to all of me
and yes I am a lesbian
and no I’m not pretending
but you might want to consider
why you think women who don’t
want to go out with you
just don’t want to go out with you
and stop creating identity for them
to justify why they aren't interested in you
it may have absofuckinlutly nothing
to do with their sexuality

he just kind of stares pensively
nods smiles
I knew you were a lesbian
that explains why you won’t go out with me
well yes, I say, I guess it does
then I decide to piss him off
so I ask if he has a sister

16/ 30 True Art

when you unsheathe your tongue
check the blade the prickle sharp
make sure the handle fits your grip
so the splitting and slicing brings
you the maximum amount of pleasure
choose scythe or sickle
rip razor or machete
the type of blade is important
you want your lacerations clearly defined
want to make sure it penetrates
the intersection of your lie and the liar you've become
you want to make sure that the nick nip notch
of your scandalous revisionist history
hits the targeted audience
when I turn my back
remember
it’s not disrespect
it’s just me
unveiling canvas
arms splayed like on an easel
and when you stab
make sure you catch the groove in my spine
make it count
bury it to the hilt
make it steamy mental magic
make me monster
cum dripping off my tongue my chin
make me pornographic larger than life
the biggest dick in the yard
make sure you jiggle it some
get it really messy
stick in in deep
I want every single inch
and hold on tight

15/ 30 Suicidal Tendencies

At my worst I am kamikaze lover, reckless in my falling
Two months grounded, you enter the house through a door not a window
Wrapping my sex around your fingers, men are much too easy
I can never come back to you, this bridge has to burn

Two months grounded, you enter the house through a door not a window
Night-light and late love leaves marks that cannot be seen in day
I can never come back to you, this bridge has to burn
Maybe one day you will love me in daytime

Night-light and late love leaves marks that cannot be seen in day
Wrapping my sex around your fingers, men are much too easy
Maybe one day you will love me in daytime
At my worst I am kamikaze lover, reckless in my falling

14/ 30 It Rains Sometimes

in real time
focused
I saw you once
watched you striptease fancy
in my eyes wide open dreams
you, moving like wind and grace
and I don't deserve you
I wore your skin
played undress up with you
our tongues dancing forbidden
fingers wet in wonder
when you left I chased
but you were too fast for me
I could never catch up
moving you were always moving
like the rest of the sharks
afraid that if you slowed down
even a little bit
you might drown in me
still you swam away
you left
I became afterthought
a bump in the road
a misstep
a sneeze
gesundheit

you were my favorite snow globe
on a shelf
out of reach
from hands smaller than mine
high up
on a pedestal
revered
looked up to
you would shake a storm in me
relax as we settled in each other’s arms
the way we did that time
those times
rolling in the magic
of the way the same bodies fit
find the scene calmer that the scene
you created in your leaving
seems the imaginary scene
of the New York's skyline
under glass
covered in moth ball flakes and glitter
were more real the we would ever be

I could see a kind of forever with you
this statement fell out of your mouth
and it could have been the moon
or pillow talk channeling through you
but it made me feel
all spun sugar cotton candy
sweet
like melting in your mouth the way i did
those times that I did
you and me in some kind of forever

it was the sweetest thing you ever said to me

when I am nervous my body tells on me
the tapping of fingers
knees bouncing
could be you are too close
or I am too close to telling you how I really feel
could be I know this is train
waiting to derail and there are flames
and broken promises
the early warning system
my body tells me
but I ignore my body
sometimes
you remind me why
I should not make this a habit

I keep my love in a fist shaped hollow
it bangs on walls steady rhythm
in time
chambered like a weapon aimed in my defense
I listen to it sometimes when I am alone
It seems like I am always alone
Its Morse code reminds me that I am alive
With or without you
You left something broken in me
I touch myself to find the fissures
I listen hard for the skip in the beat
For the I love you I never heard
I sound like an ocean

I used to want to be a fish
all scaly gold mermaid
holding on to my memories of you
while holding my breath
forever

IN A MINUTE

13/30 Pallbearer

The box will be elaborate. A close fit
snug like your favorite closet. There will not
be enough room to turn or spin. Be prone.
Just lie there. I will do all the work.

Your hair arranged in such a way to cover
the damage from the years when vanity
and too many chemicals made it weak.
I remember your suggestion that I cut mine.

Remember that flash in your eyes when I called
you jealous. I made it a joke. Our first fight was born.
You never touched it gently. You only pulled to steer me
in the direction of your choosing.

The sex was rougher then when you could
rein me in strap me down. I thought of only
the pleasure in the act, the noisy slap and pull
not the fact that I couldn't see your face.

There will be no flowers. Just the sickly smell
of too many lit candles and cheap wine.
I brought you the good stuff once. You turned up your nose.
Another clue ignored.

You turned me cheap paper bag. I was folding
compromising my excellent taste.I bought you flowers once.
You chided me for wasting my money.I never occurred to me
that I was also wasting my time.

You told me you liked fake flowers because they never died.
Another clue ignored. Nothing breathed in your house including me.
Stale air recycling to poison.
Why couldn't I just be fake for you?

There will be no music. No food for consumption.
No one will be invited to this funeral.
Just my memories of you in this elaborate box
with your hair products, cheap wine
sickly scented candles and my favorite strap on.

I will bury these deep.Mark the spot with ugly
but alive flowers and try not to rethink
everything about you.
Everyday.

12/30 Flight 69

The TSA likes to touch me
The TSA likes to touch me in special places
The TSA likes to touch me like a lover, do you love me
The TSA likes feel my hair, feels my hair, thinks I'm hiding stuff up there, thinks me missle launch
The TSA likes reminds me that I can opt out and yet
The TSA likes to remind me that I can’t opt out
The TSA likes my curves, my dangle, my moans of pleasure
The TSA likes my first date, second, third base
The TSA likes my moans, my call me later breathy
The TSA likes my lotion and my vibrator together, wants to know if we can get together
The TSA thinks we are going steady and well maybe
The TSA wants to have my babies and I wonder if
The TSA is part unicorn so we can make that shit happen so I can stop feeling cheap
The TSA and I will have babies that shit glitter
The TSA wants a pre-nup
The TSA is going to be disappointed
The TSA sees me coming applies lip gloss and lube knows how I like it firm and rough
The TSA thinks I'm her girlfriend
The TSA dressed up for me today sent me a proper lesbian when she pats me down she feels me up
The TSA is feeling me up and she is the right build and type and she gives me her number
The TSA will get a call tonight, and I hope she brings those attractive blue gloves

11/30 Lupercalia (part found poem in response to jacked You Tube comment,"It is VALENTINE'S DAY. It should not be VAGINA-DAY. Have your cause on another day!")

very ancient
pastoral festival
avert evil spirits
purify
release health and fertility
februarius in the middle
worship
god of sheperds
founding a temple
wear your goatskin nude
burn the mealscakes
ask Romulus ask Remus
purify new life in the spring
sacrifice two male goats and a dog
anoint your forehead
sacrificial blood
bloody knife
soaked in milk
smile
cut thongs from skins of victims
februa
run around the walls
strike those who crowd near
receive lashes
ensure fertility
prevent sterility
ease the pains of childbirth
be outlawed
be still clinging to Lupercalia
be degraded
run nude around yourself
carry out the mockery
or
be seven men shot down
be Al Capone
be Bugs Moran
be 14 bullets in body and not talking
be so disgusted
be sickened and running away
be dead three hours later
be in love with the idea
be looking for love in wrong places
and held in Lupercalia's arms
early for spring
but cleaned up and ready to mate
be flowers and roses
and sentiment in the moment
be an idiot
ignoring the sex in your sexy
or the blood in your celebration
look at all the red
muse it love
muse it giving freely
blood flowing freely
call it roses and dark
like chocolate
like blood from vagina
carry out the mockery

then take your two hands
place them over your gaping mouth
secure them firmly
and shut the fuck up

10/30 Check Out

i’m done library lending
myself to disinterested readers
who want a story
but not the truth
not the cobwebs spinning
not the tears and bruise
they want to be entertained
and anything other
than that thing they want
they break my spine
re-shelf me crooked
call me liar and spent
hold expectation over my head
watch me jump
but not high and mighty enough
not good enough
to forestall the great waves
of disappointment left behind
above
in front of
it’s all very interesting
until it’s not
until it’s same shit different day
and my arms pinwheel
like I’m trying to hold the reader’s attention
trying to safe land, harbor home them
but my vocabulary strains the tongue
my geography lost on the pages
dog eared never to be revisited

I think I’m done with that
I think my branches have tried too hard
to reach the one who dare not be touched
dare not be this
you
why you try so hard
when you watch those reader
choose horror and chaos comic book
why you gotta be so not that
why do you care?

is it because that is how you are shaped
built
bred
because caring is how you navigate this world
built on other and destruction
so you destroy yourself in understanding
or trying to be understood
when you should care less
because if you did
they’d care more
cherish what’s not there
a quick read saying nothing
maybe you can be best seller
if you said nothing
think about it
what can they learn from you
when you've already been
cliff noted by you cover
why should they read
when they can just watch

tell them a story
one they can believe
one where no truth is evident
footnote the truths
no one reads those
the footnotes
no one cares where you come from

9/30 ranting again PET PEEVES

first let me begin by saying
we are not fighting
or rather i am not fighting with you
i just think some clarity
some light needs to shine
in this space
so you can see clearly
how much distance there really is
between us
and mind you i realize
that by the end of this
i will sound full of myself
fancy crackhead
who the fuck she think she is
and
i know you may not
have seen all of this coming
but since you think you know me so well,
maybe you should have expected it



do not begin to tell me
what i cheat myself out of
or who
i know what i've lost
kept every bandage
marked those hurts in ink
and stained
they are tattoed in places
you don't get to see
just because you want to
don't present yourself as treasure un-buried
tell me what i need to see
i have been a pirate longer
than you have been breathing
and am fully aware that
all that glitters
is not gold
and if you are really paying attention
you know i prefer silver
and if you are giving
it away
it can't be that valuable
i've got hand-me-downs of my own
i don't borrow trouble or other peoples dramas
my house has no room to store your shit

there are only a few rules to me
not complicated
and though i tend to put myself
in situations where taking advantage
of my kindness is possible
i sacrifice the bones
and heart muscles freely
and i know it's going to fucking hurt
but i make the decision to go down that road
not you

i appreciate honesty
skin that wants my touch
even if it's only in the moment
and those moments don't always last
regardless of how much I want them too
sometimes I linger long after dismissed
back tracking looking for missteps
that were never taken
maybe they just weren't taken with me
i fall fast and hard
and often
and if haven't fallen your way
there might be a reason

i don't let just anybody meet my kids
they love elephant like i do
you become family and needed and
if a connection is severed
we are a bum knee or toothache
we wonder about searching for remedies
to fix what cannot be fixed
it's a risk
and when i risk them
and i am wrong the guilt is a broken place
so no you will not meet my children
i have risked them for my sake to often
i have spent three years being wrong
if you don't believe they exist
then they don't
now that we have cleared that up
there are no children for you not to meet
don't ask
ever

and speaking of the children
i don't have that you will never meet
if you are old enough to be one of those children
who did not fall out of my vagina
you are not old enough to fall into my vagina
i am not being ageist or any other thing
you think i might be
i know my limitations
just respect that

i am not looking for anything
i don't want anything from you
these wounds have not healed
and i am not ready to settle
for what i do not want
the last time i settled
i lost my voice for a decade
the laryngitis left me empty
and i have no desire to be
invisible that way again

i'm working on the other parts
of me that are not seen
and yes i am flattered
that you see me all literal
and profile picture perfect
but i don't have the energy
or hope right now to dig
my way into a relationship
i don't believe in
maybe once i begin to stop
believing in the failures
but even then
you kinda fucked up by assuming you know me
by presuming you can just say anything to me
a foul attempt to shame me
because you think i should want you
as you finger wag in my direction
for plodding through my own shit

so even when i stop sulking
when the wounds have healed
as much as they ever do
i won't seek you out
because that ideal person you think you see
it's not me
i mean, i would never wear those colors

and i know what you are thinking
"she sound full of herself
fancy crackhead!
who the fuck she think she is"

8/30 Revival

in the church of poet
there are no pews
no tambourines
there are chairs
that have seen better days
a bar-stool or two or more
no pulpit
but music stands
and microphones
truth falls freely
sometimes
on it's own
sometimes
wrapped in bowdlerized lies
that look like something
we are running to or away from
heads bowed
praying for blessings
from muses we ignore
when the truth hurts too much
reveals too much
you cannot cover
surgery with band aids
or empty promise
of someday
turned never

I come here often
ears wide
reach within
show me more of something
anything
my only offering these words
confused and hurt
my skin hanging loosely
from bones grown weary
and heavy
when my legs
can't feel themselves
on knees I ask for forgiveness
sometimes they hear
they snap and the flies swarm my eyes
there is everything
and nothing in the moment
that sustains

head bowed
I hope to be strong enough
to hold myself together
keep the bad away
just today
just now
so I can breathe myself
whole again
this heart is too open
and everything buzzes and squeezes
every touch is bad
and my spirit cannot swim
not today
I give you my back
so the blade of you tongue
hits it mark
back handed compliments
and false sentiment
flavored tea steeped in lies
that taste no better
when they are expelled
over mics
or in porecelain toilets
where the water is blue
and I see myself floating
clockwise into no more
then refilled
revived to some degree
and sometimes not at all

7/30 Happy Hour

that time i told you i loved you
i meant it from the bottom of my glass
ice rattling like the bones wind chiming in your closet
you mistook me for salvation
for redemption, co-conspirator
for get away car

when we left our mess all over the floor
and on the walls the curtains rustled
told the neighbors there was problem
there were words thrown out with the baby and the bath water
they turned their heads as i turned away
there is a cost to living one foot in and out of closets

that time i told you i'd come by later
not to stay but to watch the sunrise between thighs
tiptoe through your tulips
never ever did forever seep through my pores
never did i tell you it was ok for you to connect
in the way that you did

we were trip wire waiting for explosion
messy with expectation
you expecting me to skeleton key myself invisible
me expecting you to be concrete
not some abstract version of affection
a panoramic view of fuckery

that time i told you i loved you
i meant it from the bottom of my glass

6/30 Playing with old poems that belong to other people

*It's official I'm depressed. Depression and insomnia. Not a great combo. Fuck!*


Monday’s child is full of face
and works double hard to keep the pace
to stay ahead remain on top
she runs her mouth it never stops
she forgets to eat and rarely sleeps
some stages will never feel her feet
she's working hard and wiping tears
remembers she's human faces her fears
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul

Tuesday’s child is full of grace
she's tall, head high, a swagger in her gate
her progeny makes her full lips peel
a grin to show a pride so strong
her legacy, it will live on and on
family is priority for this girl with teeth
she brings home the bacon that she will also eat
the week is just starting so far so good
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul

Wednesday’s child is full of woe
She works real hard not to let it show
But it’s on her face and it’s on her skin
She wonders if she’ll ever love again
It it’s worth taking down the walls she’s worked hard to erect
So her name once again sounds the same as reject
She forces a smile and hopes no one can see
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul

Wednesday’s child has far to go
in which direction I doubt she knows
but she keeps moving despite the tears,
despite the lonely and the fears
she know if she stops she will cease to be
and believes no one will notice she’s taken her leave
so she jumps in the car and take long rides
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul

Friday’s child is loving and giving
and angry and hurt and placidly forgiving
the week has turned long and her faith has gotten low
she has no one to talk to so nobody knows
she runs errands buys groceries and plans a great meal
today she has her son he makes her laugh and feel healed
his love has no sanctions, no conditions or trapdoors
and she knows in her heart this boy’s mom he adores
the only way to soothe her soul

Saturday’s child works hard for a living
She drives, she performs when venues are willing
this work that she does will put food on her table
she gives it her all and opens her heart
then at home she stares at the ceiling or cries in the dark
she is extremely happy and times ridiculously sad
she hope real soon that this shyt will pass (or at least even out)
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul

Sunday’s child is fair and wise and good and gay
that pretty much sums it up and describes her to a “T”
though her fair may look different
her wisdom she doubts
she’s as good as she can be except that pirate part
and gay ????? she is very much that
and when the day is done she writes a poem
the only way to soothe her soul

5/30 Before You Dream

5/30 Before You Dream


before you dream of me tonight, you must first know

that the strongest muscle in proportion to its size in the human body is the tongue

I once held mine in the roof of my mouth for almost a decade now I appreciate its power



and a person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva

every time I see you my mouth dries to desert

I haven’t had a tasty meal in months



and your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks

otherwise it will digest itself and thirty-five percent of the people who

use personal ads for dating are already married

my biological father used to take me on dates with the woman

he cheated on my mother with

I have tried to find someone not you

but I do not trust the process

I’ve seen what cheating does

I want no part of it



did you know a duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why

I have screamed to the sky in nightmares

no one stirred

maybe in my dream I was a Teal

waters churning

if I drowned

who would know those times

I woke heart pounding



and banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

I’ve been losing weight steadily these past months and I have a little headache



If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,

you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee

I start the day with at least two cups

for you I might consider switching to tea



butterflies taste with their feet

if I could forget the sound of my dad no longer breathing

maybe my hands wouldn’t shake so much

you once asked about my rings

I wear them to control the tremors



bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,

and laser printers were all invented by women

I have a scar on my forehead

I don’t remember the impact

or the passing out just waking

with blood in my eye



honey is the only food that doesn't spoil

and most lipstick contains fish scales
the first time I kissed you
that night I dreamed oceans and mermaids



*Teal is a type of duck

# 4 Cordwainer

# 4 Cordwainer

I never wanted quick fix in the moment
I wanted just sometimes
occasionally, every once in a while to know
that when you opened your mouth
something
anything resembling the truth would fall out
not the make believe
cheap wine induce
I’m going to make you believe this
version of happy bullshyt
you piled at my feet
and now look,
you have fucked up my shoes
yes you toyed with my emotions
a kid with new blocks
set me up and knocked me down proper
I’ll let you have the playtime
I should have known better than walk into your yard
damaged toys called ex littering the landscape
here a heart there a heart everywhere a heart, heart

but The shoes

you are paying for the fucking shoes
those innocent bystanders
minding their own business
forced to walk through all that bullshyt!
They deserved so much better.

3/30 for fifth graders who consider homicide when dealing with your own shit is just too much like enough

no one here was born with a manual
no instructions to guide us through
impressions given to us by the world around us
our village takes us at birth
place their hands around our mass
form us
maybe your village was preoccupied
with other things
with leave you on your own
let television and violent games grow you
maybe they should have paid more attention

when I was fifth grade
I was riding bike no helmet
hopscotch and double dutch
be home before the street lights come on
but be outside breathing air
feeling it on your skin
fall and fuck a Band-Aid
put some spit on it and shine
walk it off
I was too busy plotting out my next adventure
how my backyard was a paradise
others could earn entry
if they had the password
when bully was one
everyone knew its name
never looked it in the eye
gave it wide birth
and when the day came
and it called you by name
it would be the day
and at the end of the day
a bloody lip would heal
almost a relief because bully knew
there were other fish to fry
but never did I ever hear of guns
and rape
and premeditated murder
we were too busy kicking the can
and book mobilizing to our next adventure

what were you lacking?
who led you believe that the people
on this planet had to revere you?
what were you learning in that home,
that school of yours?
where is your village?
in my village
I raised three used to be fifth grader
who knew their worth came from within
and hard work
and keep your head up
and there may have been tears
hurt feelings
slaps to pride
but the hands that molded them
held comfort in a touch
support with a smile
or a pat on the back
they knew this world was not required
to love them or respect them
life is precious and time passes everyday
they were freeze tag
and mud pies
jump rope
and flag football
never knives
never guns
never rape
never premeditated murder
where is your village?
who and why didn't they love you
mold you
enough?

2/30 Miscommunication

those times I didn’t pay attention
my heart and mind wandering in different directions
I stumbled over the truth of you
the taste of you singed my tongue
I wanted more
my heart was all about this
pleasure is what it loves best
and pleasure is what she had designed for you
my mind thought you complicated
knew my simple ways
my cut and dry demeanor
it knows how easily my feelings get hurt
and how while I can speak about the injustices in the world
I am slow to come to my own defense
there was a meeting once
my heart was late as usual
at picking up on nuances after engaged
it can’t see the rejection until it hurts
leaves marks that builds walls and self-doubt
my mind remembers
sends down flairs of warning
distracted by the flames my heart mistook
it for burning
for passion
for love
for invitation to fall

1/30 The Problem With Giving Yourself a Pep Talk...

Rough Rant


the problem with giving yourself a pep talk
is that half way through the conversation
you begin to believe it’s all bullshit
like heard it all before
going to change your ways
quit repeating past mistakes
you are not insane
got a bead on the problem
it’s not you it’s them
it’s not over it’s just beginning
and you are mad because all around you is madness
and when they call you paranoid
you punch first and often
aim for their lying throat
because you see what you see despite the spin
the media machine and all the slant
the mass amnesia of forgotten home

and for the life of you
you can't understand
why they are holding their tongues
while yours is flapping flag and no one salutes
you feel the distortion, the rage
it bubbles fist clinched raised
they call you feminist and defensive like that’s a bad thing
when you tell them to go fuck themselves they
blame your disposition on PMS
then you remember where you live
how in this place your kind is just vessel
you are female
some see that as rape-able
breakable
commodity
you remember that talk you had with that cop
the cop who watched as a man let the air out of your tires
then lay in wait for your retuen dark night
that cop who waited and watched
as would be predator ran in terror because
he picked the wrong chick
on the wrong day
the chick who kicks and screams
when she know the tires are brand new
that chick who punches brick walls in an empty parking lots
smacked her chest and says what the fuck are you looking at
in the direction of his fleeing shadow
how he that cop sat and watched
and if it had been another day
and you were not that chick all spit fire and pissed
all brand new tire confident
distracted by the calm
he, that cop might have watched you victim,
raped,
robbed woman
later explaining to you
that how you were dressed made you made
dressing like some long haired sexy pirate
men find that attractive tone down your attractive
dress differently girl
woman
female
know your geography where you live
remember they are men they can't help what they do
remember weak ass Adam
remember the fruit
remember you are fruit
soft skin and sweet
ripe for the picking
pick you up off floor
off dirt road
off asphalt in well-lit parking lot
drag you across town
drag you across Ohio
on and off buses
piss on your skin
why you wearing your skin
look how you wearing that skin
it’s so tight that skin
the way it clings to all your parts
they can see you parts underneath all that skin
you know some men find skin sexy
why you out here wearing all that skin
you fruit
you woman
you asking to be peeled back and tasted
don't you know you are fruit and they don't
want you to own your tree
remember where you live
that you are female just like your daughters
it’s not you it’s them
it’s not over it’s just beginning
the problem with giving your daughters a pep talk
is that half way through the conversation
you begin to fear that they will believe it’s all bullshit
so you dig your roots in deeper
stand firm in your own tree
make them understand this is real